OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

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Rich Bingham
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu May 20, 2021 3:10 pm

It's certainly easy to confuse these actors and literary characters after fifty years or more. I, for one had often confused Catmuth Ballou with Balloo the Bear in Richard Kipslinger's seminal novel, "The Jumble Book". In the immortal words of Kid Shelleen, "My, how that booze does fog yer mind !"
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu May 20, 2021 3:34 pm

Actually it was Kid Shelleen who bought the second Ford Large Port engine with KD's modifications.
FordLgPort.jpg
The Ford large port four cylinder motor was one of Kalamity Dick’s favorite mechanisms to tinker with. Here we see reverse static ignition with his zabrogauta spin cycle and Gifford clutch. Gabredeen insulated cables with a sateen burgundy hue connect to tungsten filament scintillation plugs with corrugated fling prongs. Vanadium carbonate allows them to be adjusted for skim.
A Showenhooth twin vector carburizer was modified to atomize liquid obsidian. Undisolved crystals are expelled through the klavis port. Three levels of torrent flues are required. A dual brush vegitizer injects whizzer fluid at 500 RPM or more. Individual port adjustments encourage even distribution.
A dynoratimor test revealed nearly 29 HP at 2000 revolutions and a consumption of 30 miles per gallon was attained at the Rafter J Ranch track. Possibly better mileage could be enjoyed if gasoline were used.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu May 20, 2021 4:50 pm

It should be noted here that KD eschewed to install any of these wonderful experimental improvements on his own raceabout. "Souping up" the Kid's personal transportation was KD's way of repaying Shelleen's manifold generosity when the two of them visited Ernie's Saloon (which was frequently). The Kid always stood for the Happy Sally.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Thu May 20, 2021 8:44 pm

With the new and improved engine installed in Martha's washing machine she could do 120 loads of laundry a day!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri May 21, 2021 2:27 pm

It seems like I remember a story about Martha getting her foot caught in the ringer.
Maybe not.
Marvin was kind to send in a photo of his spare large port block. He says it's not for sale.
4Block.jpg
One can readily see how much better cooling would be with the larger ports.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri May 21, 2021 11:53 pm

Martha herself, was known for having large ports. Even Marvin could verify.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat May 22, 2021 9:01 pm

Maybe Marvin could appreciate her ports but when Cuthbert called her portly she knocked him down and roughed him up.
Marth.jpg
She liked it less when he spoke of boring and stroking. Cuthbert's way with words was more appreciated by the Zebroids and Paraducks.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun May 23, 2021 12:54 am

Say what one might about Martha, she was capable of taking care of business,
no matter the caller. During the Gonad pandemic, she pioneered this unique
method of social distancing, that still allowed her to salonate, while fenistrating
the daily list of thrip deliveries. She ultimately joined the East German women's
weightlifting team.

KDcovid1.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun May 23, 2021 4:26 pm

While that doesn't appear to be Martha inside the social distance armor, it's plain her brute strength and size advantage were decisive factors in the drubbing she gave Cuthbert Maddox. Ever a humble soul, Cuthbert allowed that she was justified by his inept choice of words. However, he did press suit for the damage to his hat, claiming it was an innocent bystander and undeserving of the destruction which Martha inflicted upon it. The photograph below was presented as evidence, and a sympathetic jury awarded Cuthbert a new 4-X beaver Stetson. The incident coincided with Cuthbert's new enthusiasm for mumbling. (See "mumbling academy" a few pages back for more background.)
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun May 23, 2021 7:01 pm

If it isn't Martha in the suit she wouldn't be far away. The MacDuffee pressure proof suit with ball bearing joints was her passion for all those months and well into her salinity.
MarthSuit.jpg
Not a single gonad was able to penetrate one during the entire epidemic.
Ernie had diagnosed her as snippy and disagreeable after the desecration of Mr. Maddox's hat. Though through the mumbling we learned they had mended the barricades and even played backgammon with Ferd at the Blue Cheese Lobby after the benediction.
As the sun set over Chugwater Lake not a single willoughby could be heard.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun May 23, 2021 10:32 pm

A lot of things were said of Martha, but "womanly" was never
one of them. On the contrary, she was a master of different
manly looks, often being taken for Cary Gooper, Humphrey Morgart,
and Ernest Borgheim. Cuthbert got off easy in their kerfuffle.
Martha was known to put her fist through the back of an opponent's
skull. Not surprising, given that she regularly shoveled 10-20 tons
of coal per shift, and often worked doubles .... even before the
Gonad pandemic.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon May 24, 2021 9:46 am

That's a rare photo showing Martha outside the pressure suit. Clearly it was taken in the shed behind KD's kaphistulator calibrating shop on Mud Street. Also clearly shown is KD's patented sky-hook, keeping the pressure suit erect. No documents have been found recording transactions between Martha and KD. This is most likely owing to Ernie's strenuous objection to ball-bearing joints, dives, gin-mills or joints of any kind, that may have drawn custom away from his saloon. Kalamity Dick was always very careful not to offend Ernie; he knew which side of the butter his bread was on, so to speak. Then there was the issue of Martha's violent nature, and her vicious left hook - also clearly seen in the photo. It's not unlikely she may have applied some pressure on KD to get some assistance.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Mon May 24, 2021 1:41 pm

Martha was chosen to care and clean the suit as she was the only one who was strong enough to iron the wrinkles out of it after she washed it in her modified Maytag with the super sized engine as pictured above.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon May 24, 2021 4:33 pm

During the times that the War Dept. was operating in the
Chugwater basin, KD was engaged in his rocket program,
while Martha was fixated on perfecting a manual method,
much like the field and track "hammer toss". In one trial
run, she was able to put Beusy Parlor's Alto Sax into orbit,
but larger payloads proved impossible.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Mon May 24, 2021 5:27 pm

The suit was definatly made for a woman by the looks of the breast plate.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon May 24, 2021 7:23 pm

I think so too Dallas.
There was an article about Martha and the violence in "Violets to Violins" magazine just after the pandemic.
Mach-April issue I believe.
VioVio.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue May 25, 2021 1:53 pm

As a young girl, Martha rebelled at taking violin lessons and ran away to the Veedawoo. She was not averse to music, however, and while there mastered the concertina, taught to her by a sheepherder. She remained a devotee of the instrument throughout her life, which she fondly referred to as her "squeeze-box". Ability as a pugilist followed shortly as suitors would sometimes get a false impression of her from invitations to the recitals she periodically hosted in her home on Frumpert Street, just below the skunk works.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue May 25, 2021 3:55 pm

It's interesting that you mention that. I was just dusting off the old photo album when the buzzer rang.
MarthSqz.jpg
The boys of the 115th Cavalry Regiment much enjoyed her playing. She also made sandwiches when they went rock climbing. She caught one who fell from the top of Long's peak. She was awarded a medal that is on display at the Institute next to Weller's Jackalope horn display.
Being modest about it not many heard the story from herself but Corporal Finsbury mumbled about in form time to time.
Eldon caught a 19-footer off the Veedawoo cross over on the same day 11 years later.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue May 25, 2021 7:44 pm

While we're on the subject, perhaps our readers can shed some light on rumors that Kalamity Dick designed some of the sophisticated processing equipment for the Chugwater Skunk Works & Delicatessen Co. , Inc.

Not infrequently, patrons of Ernie's Saloon would accuse KD of having been down at the skunk works. He always denied it, claiming the tell-tale aroma was coming from Cuthbert's chaps. It was common knowledge Cuthbert had a pet skunk he named Esmeralda, but she was very ladylike (for a skunk) and certainly never sprayed Cuthbert, as she was devoted to him for many reasons.

The photograph below shows the interior of the skunk works before it was remodeled.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue May 25, 2021 7:52 pm

Martha did the demo on that remodel job. She could move a 12lb.
sledge like no one else in Calhoun County, and the includes the Pecker
Bros. She packed the debris to Zumwalt's Gulch in giant bundles on
her back.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Wed May 26, 2021 8:51 am

I'd bet she could whale the tar out of Carrie Nation.... and then drink her under the table!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed May 26, 2021 10:54 am

Carrie was no match for Martha at 105lbs., but Martha took a serious whoopin'
from Grunda Fulpants in all 17 of their meetings. Martha was tough AND big,
but Grunda was tough, bigger, and trained in bear juggling. Martha never really
had a chance. Besides, Grunda had the full support of the Uvula League and
performed piano lifting and boxcar shunting every Saturday night down in the
yards.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed May 26, 2021 10:56 am

Adventures of Kalamity Dick disclaimer:

Who drinks under the table, STAYS under the table.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed May 26, 2021 1:56 pm

Dick wanted to keep the rumors about the Skunk Works & Delicatessen equipment to a minimum as there was an incident or two during the pucker cycle.
Incedent.jpg
KD and Cuthbert found drinking under the table was more efficient during a meandering bar fight. Ernie commission the Pecker Bros. to build some stout tables for the bouts.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jun 06, 2021 12:12 pm

The year was 1931, and near as anyone could tell, it only
happened once.

KDbubble1.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Jun 06, 2021 12:44 pm

By golly! That's Queen Lucite! I heard she married a gaucho and moved to Belo Horizonte ... all we can be sure of it that she never made another film.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Jun 06, 2021 2:14 pm

See how rumors are started ? Lucinda Larkvonnet was born in Chugwater, and like many small-town kids, ran to the big city bright lights in her late 'teens. She met up with a salvage diver in San Francisco, and when he became abusive, she ran off with his bathysphere and started a successful career as "Queen Lucite, the Amazing Floating Bubble Dancer". The vaudeville circuit eventually brought her back to Chugwater and Ernie's Saloon where she fell in love with a Basque sheepherder named Gumersindo Marcos. The locals called him Gaucho Marx. The pair eloped into the Veedawoo in his sheep camp and lived happily ever after, in the blissful contentment known only to lifelong sheepherders.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jun 06, 2021 2:57 pm

The rumor/s revolve around the REAL Queen Lucite and the actress who
played the part in the movie. The two DID live interestingly similar lives,
and hence the confusion.

Queen Lucite, known locally as Ernestine Wartbrüggler, was a powerful
force in the Uvula League. Upon moving to Belo Horizonté, formed the
Southern Chapter that led to the UL's international expansion, particularly
appealing to South American audiences. She worked directly with Kalamity
Dick in the vestibule manufacturing and marketing there. Gaucho Bob, and
his brother Bill, provided ample income for Ernestine to live out her life as
a iconic celebrity known to the masses as "Queen Lucite". She would return
Chugwater annually to participate in the Regatta festival.

Heinrich told the Tuesday night meeting group that the way to tell the two
women apart is the location of their ankle tattoos.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Jun 06, 2021 3:58 pm

Brilliant research, Burger ! Thank you. This explains the puzzling conundrum that surfaced every Regatta Day, with reported "sightings" of Queen Lucite long after Lucinda Larkvonnet and Gumersindo Marcos had disappeared into the Veedawoo. Saddlestring rodeo fans still recall Gaucho Bob's remarkable demonstrations of the "boleadoras".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jun 06, 2021 4:36 pm

Formal photo of Gaucho Bob, taken for the potato celebration.

KDmoonhair1.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sun Jun 06, 2021 5:26 pm

Wasn't Gaucho Bob's nickname MOONBEAM ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sun Jun 06, 2021 5:32 pm

With Regatta Day just around the corner Blueball Billy Boy is getting the channel cleared of ice so the boats can travel safely to Chugwater

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jun 07, 2021 1:59 am

Goucho Bob's nickname was, in fact, "Gaucho Bob". He wanted no confusion
between himself and Gaucho Marx. It was already bad enough with all the
confusion over his wife Ernestine and the Queen Lucite title. Although Gaucho
Marx's wife never brought pain or ill repute to the name, it was never easy for
Ernestine to carry on as Queen Lucite, what with the demands of the southern
vestibule business.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon Jun 07, 2021 8:06 am

Are you sure that is Queen Lucite? It looks more like her cousin Lucite Ball. Who was she married to? It wasn't Ball, she kept her maiden name. I think he was another geometric shape. He was a Cube with a bad case of vertigo. Dizzy Arnez. That's the ticket!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Mon Jun 07, 2021 8:43 am

Dizzy Arnaz and his entire Conga orchestra were sued by Dizzy Gillespie on the grounds of Infringement. Old folks around Infringement still talk of the battle, which raged on several floors of the courthouse and down the block to the old Infringement livery stable and well bucket repair shops. They say the howling could be heard for miles. A truce was eventually reached and everyone took a number and waited. Finally, the train arrived and departed, taking the fancy folk and their slick lawyers back to Chicago and Points East, which is actually a ways south and west of Chicago. Clam has prevailed, more or less, ever since. Beats cream of mushroom!

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jun 07, 2021 1:24 pm

Many of those thoughts danced through Kalamity Dick's encephalon while descending the velodrome from the Transwongulator facility on Mount Stinkmore. "I Love Lucite", "Aminal Feathers" and "Lady in the Glass Ball" were among his favorite chapters.
KDrail.jpg
While an occasional borogove would fly along side or a yamacatch galumphing across the trackwork could distract him for a moment his concentration on all things enchanting and mechanized predominated.
Would Ernestine be waving from the cosgrove?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Jun 08, 2021 3:07 pm

One can easily see KD's concentration is hardly daunted, even with a rear
wheel slipped from the trestle deck. Such is the power of enchantment.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jun 08, 2021 3:59 pm

KD never was troubled by concentration, a regularity he attributed to his fondness for a cocktail Ernie had dubbed "The Pile Driver" in honor of the moss bed workers who constructed the swamp extension on the south shore of Lake Chugwater by driving pilings into the quicksand there. The recipe was Ernie's secret, but probably contained equal measures of Happy Sally and plum brandy with a dash of bitters.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Jun 09, 2021 9:54 am

The Pile Drivers experimented trying to duplicate Ernie's recipe.
KDpile.jpg
After carefully aligning the rig the equipment hammers on and the testing and tasting begins.
A happy crew is a joy to behold.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Wed Jun 09, 2021 3:10 pm

It was a happy crew except for "Little Jimmy" who once stood 7 ' 3" tall and was in charge of attaching the pile driver hammer to the rig. George mistakenly turned the rig on too soon while "Little Jimmy was attaching the hammer and he now stands 3" 7" tall. :roll:
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Jun 09, 2021 6:48 pm

And I thought he got smashed drinking Happy Sally.
They always kid George about that on St. Swithin's Day.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Jun 10, 2021 8:00 am

Was that kid George or boy George?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Jun 10, 2021 12:32 pm

Perhaps this photo will answer that query. From my left to your right are: Juvenile George, "Little Jimmy", Kid George, Kid Harold and Boy George.
guys.jpg
Provided with their instructions, they are ready to begin the mornings work. Perhaps the most challenging piles driven were the ones in George's Gorge just off the Mt. Stinkmore slope. Due to the artichoke tailings from the 1700s' the soil was unstable and poorous. Tenacity George finally solved the problem using mirrors and Brazilian Vodum. Today they are the only ones standing.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Thu Jun 10, 2021 1:20 pm

....Short kid in doorway... George S. Patton?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Jun 10, 2021 3:27 pm

By George I think you got it!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Jun 10, 2021 3:37 pm

Glad you asked, Pat. Not the George S. Patton you're probably thinking of, but George Smucker Patem III. (Note the spelling; cause for confusion with the famous general of WW II. They had parallel careers, but Patem never became famous.)

George Patem was a scion of the Cornhill Patems, who made a fortune speculating on moss futures when the first pilings were sunk on the south shore. George II lost it all when he invested in a mining claim that promised to produce high grade short-hand symbols. The vein played out within months, coinciding with plummeting demand and low prices owing to a nation-wide stenographers' strike.

Poverty forced young George III to leave home. He sought work as a newsboy in St. Louis (see photo) and soon after joined the army. As a helper to the mess cook's assistant, he was attached to the punitive force President Wilson sent into Mexico after Pancho Villa's raid on Columbus, N. M. , coincidentally serving under Lt. George S. Patton. The mission was a failure for all except Pvt. Patem, who managed to capture single-handedly, five bottles of Pancho's vanilla extract. A garbled headline in a Patagonia, AZ. newspaper reported "Paten Captures Pancho's Vanilla" but the military prevented the story from being picked up by the Associated Press, obviously to avoid confusion and further embarrassment.

However, General Pershing recommended Patem for a special citation to recognize the tasty desserts Patem had prepared for the officers' mess using the captured vanilla, but the War Dept. never acted on the commendation. Disillusioned with army life, and weary of peeling potatoes, George Smucker Patem III finished his "hitch" and left the army shortly before the U. S. entered WW I.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Jun 10, 2021 5:25 pm

And not to be confused with George's patent on the Venuela portable pile bang-thrust pounder.
HDp.jpg
Note the Van-oochi spring cam. "Leave the Driving to Us" captured the imagination and cornered the market for most of the Dillinger administration. Coincidentally, it could be used to peel potatoes as well.
Thanks for reminding me.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Jun 10, 2021 7:55 pm

Heinrich just reminded me that the Venuela bang-thrust pounder and its various patents is a minefield of confusion for the serious researcher. Part of the problem centers around the phonetic spelling of names associated with this versatile and adaptable machine. For example, the Van-oochi cam; Aldo Vanucci, Florentine physicist and tarot card reader was the originator of the unique spring cam, which resulted from late hours spent in consultations with KD, usually at Ernie's, over a bottle of Happy Sally. The bang-thrust pounder entailed a number of patents, confusing as they are, as the patent for the armature core confabulation was filed by a Dutchman name of VanOops. Then there was the red-barn adaptation system that was designed by a Japanese genius, name of Hirohito Ochi. Many thanks to Heinrich for straightening all this out.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jun 11, 2021 11:39 am

Only to be further confused with the Green-Barn adaptation by Hirohito O'Shay.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Jun 11, 2021 10:50 pm

O'Shea was a master of origami, as evidenced by the wrinkles in this drawing of the Vanuela's derrick with the green barn attachment in place. It's a tragedy the piece was unfolded, as it represented Aldo Vanucci astride a unicorn.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jun 12, 2021 1:01 am

I think this should explain everything up to this point
in the conversation:

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jun 12, 2021 3:46 pm

Aldo Vanuchi was younger than history made him out to be. Warned not
to play with matches, 10-year-old Aldo managed to set off the largest explosion
in Chugwater history, decimating the mill, when the shorthand symbols tailings
pile detonated with incredible force. Were it not for the witherspoon in his
pocket, Aldo would have lost more than his leg. Although indirectly related,
this is said to be the only casualty of the violent stenographers' strike. On account
of the leg loss, young Aldo took the stage name "Nova" and mastered the mobile
bang-thrust pounder, which is why we see the statue in Chugwater Square today.
Aldo's mansion estate is open for tours during the Regatta festival.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jun 14, 2021 5:41 pm

Looking at the diagram I think it needs a jumper at terminal "F".
Things settled down a bit when several stenographers joined the Uvula League.
The town square originally was two triangles joined at their hypotenuses. They were sew together using flax thread by none other that Sonja Davenport, in between shillings.
Several of the previous rumors turned out to be true.
All for now.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Jun 15, 2021 12:28 am

The Electromechanical Committee made the same determination
regarding Terminal F, but the legal team requested that only be disclosed
if proper documents were presented. Thusly, the topic remained
ambrescient until now. Buff Pucker applied some pressure to the
board at the time of Kalamity Dick's foray's to Tibet, but nothing came
of it.

Last week, at the Tuesday night meeting, Heinrich gave a comprehensive
discussion on the Bang-Thrust Pounder. It was the first in a 3-part series.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Jun 16, 2021 12:49 pm

Chugwater Times photographist Scoop Shoffensbee snapped this pic of the legal team excogitating over the terminal F argumentation. Metallurgical fractionation suggested skim in the composition. It was a two to one recommendation with Hamberlon Folicks voting west of center.
TeamF.jpg
The Folicks's had always leaned towards the center ever since they crossed Marble Mountain on their migration to Wyoming. Judicial Prudence flowed through their nerves like marmalade.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Jun 16, 2021 2:43 pm

Victorian prudery preempted the cogitators from identifying in its entirety the full scope of "Terminal F" which practitioners knew stood for Terminal Flatulence. Offending vapors from man and beast alike prompted Prudence Plumpton to design the unique conveyance illustrated below. Never adopted as a popular form of transportation, it nevertheless gave rise to the term "high roller". It's true that Miss Plumpton was an addictive gambler who consistently won at high stakes games of faro and poker in Ernie's Saloon when gambling was legal.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sun Jun 20, 2021 8:48 am

This little fellow told me he was just waiting for the next adventure of Kalamity Dick!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Sun Jun 20, 2021 9:58 am

I want to know the back story on the married chicken.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Jun 20, 2021 11:05 am

Most of the chicken's saga is lost to History, but it is known that the kid had a great many schoolyard fights over his shoes, and that he became quite the pugilist, and later went on to become a champion saloon brawler. He was known to yell, "Timber!" as his opponents hit the floor. There was no fear of any man in him, but it is said that in his later years, he often voiced frustration over the fact that his fear of heights kept him from realizing his true ambition of becoming a Northwoods lumberjack.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Jun 20, 2021 12:46 pm

Interestingly, KD had a short-lived interest in gourmet cooking, and developed recipes enough to fill a small cookbook. Mostly they were borne out of that lengthy period when he and Cuthbert disappeared into the Veedawoo. The cookbook never became popular, as the majority of his recipes were for exotic meats, such as ground squirrel (in both senses of the term), rock-chuck, rattlesnake, Jack rabbit and porcupine. One recipe even required a "haunch of aged skunk". Whether that meant a geriatric skunk should be obtained, or the cut of meat not freshly killed, we can only speculate, not having tried either variation ourselves. The preparation of nearly all of the recipes involved a marinade of Happy Sally.

One dish actually became a staple at the Terminal Café, however: a variation of chicken and dumplings. Dick himself hated it. The dumplings were invariably soggy, and he listed it in his cookbook as "Chicken Soggy". Realizing the name had zero appeal, the owner of the Terminal Cafe listed it as "Chicken Saga" on his menu.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jun 21, 2021 3:20 am

At the time, the Terminal's General Manager was Leonid Brushbucker.
Leonid was a big fan of the picture show, and stole the "Chicken Saga"
from the movie of the same name. For a brief time, he offered a "zero
appeal menu" to try and pull in some lunch business, like Ernie enjoyed
with the trolley. For obvious reasons, the menu had no appeal at all and
the idea was quickly dispensed with. Some said the carmelized flackenpoth
shavings were pretty good.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Jun 22, 2021 8:35 am

Cliff's Gas 'n' Grub "Drop in any Time" carried the carmelized flackenpoth shavings too. It was served with sparrow broth and packaged for take-out.
Cliff.jpg
Located near the end of Van Briggle Ave it was convenient to most of the South and East side. Leonid changed tires and assembled batteries there while working his way through High School. The kid with the chicken swept out the bay and polished nozzles their too but asked not to smoke around the pumps. They employed a "Terminal 'F'" of their own on the kerosene dispenser. (negative ground if I remember correctly).
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jun 22, 2021 6:19 pm

All the old timers agree Cliff's Gas & Grub was sheer delight. The establishment never had a dissatisfied customer. Doubtless that was owing to Cliff's ability to assess the gravity of the situation when disagreements arose.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Tue Jun 22, 2021 7:08 pm

It was often said that Cliff's Gas 'n' Grub was one step away from Heaven!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jun 24, 2021 1:00 am

Leonid shows off the evasculator that he built as a teen, while working at
Cliff's gas-n-grub. Cliff often asked Leonid to retrieve the parcels that came
in on the boat. While the descent to the river was easy enough, the return
with load was a bit of a challenge.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Thu Jun 24, 2021 8:32 am

It's said the Postmaster General considered adopting Leonid's machine for use as a giant postage stamp perforator, but wartime paper restrictions coupled with the worldwide India ink collapse in '17 derailed the entire Giant Postage Stamp Program. The program proposed to combine writing paper, the envelope, and the stamp in one postal product which users would purchase by the roll. Portions of the roll would then be separated at the provided perforations and used as writing paper. This was then folded, licked, addressed, and sealed by the writer and placed in the nearest convenient postal drop box for speedy delivery. Motion study experts postulated that combining paper, envelope, and postage stamp in one standardized product could have saved the nation upwards of 2,433,000 person-hours per year, and quite a substantial quantity of foolscap besides, but, alas, due to the belligerence of Kaiser Wilhelm, it was not to be.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jun 24, 2021 2:04 pm

It was a dirty, rotten shame, what the Kaiser did there.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Thu Jun 24, 2021 4:29 pm

It is funny this came up this week on the forum because just last month I looked up the history of Leonid's machine and if I remember correctly that when the deal with the post office fell through the army bought it and used it to mash potatoes for the troops during the war and after the war it was used to separate letters at the alphabet mine
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Thu Jun 24, 2021 10:58 pm

The military later decided to scrap the devices, since they interfered with traditional training and discipline protocols. So it was that the Leonidian mechanized mashers were phased out and old school punitive KP was re-instated. In the years following the mechanized masher phase-out, potato peeling pie gradually disappeared from cafe and lunch counter menus across the country as mess kitchen by-products were diverted to mass bacon production on the new, vertically-integrated bacon fullfillment centres. A few old codgers still bemoan the passing of potato peeling pie, insisting that its demise was brought about by plotters connected with well-heeled bacon interests within the Department of The Army, and that Vinegar pie, although tasty, was no adequate substitute.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Fri Jun 25, 2021 9:38 am

Ve have no recollection of zese affairs, so please be so kind to keep my person out of zis discussion, or ze international repercussions could become very severe !
When in trouble, do not fear, blame the second engineer ! 8-)
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Jun 25, 2021 10:06 am

Please to be excused, Herr Willie. Your Hohenzollerness has been placed in a pasture, and your cannon have been hammered into butter churns!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jun 26, 2021 2:08 am

Big Bacon was big business, and not to be trifled with. The vast bacon plantations
of the lower Chugwater were second only to mushrooms and moss (and the related
gas) in Calhoun County. Irving Bacon, nee Schlomo, perfected the bacon vine trellis
system that led to his wealth, fame, and empire, ... and the change of name from
Schlomo. By 1924, Irving was a fabulously wealthy man, turning the administration
his Bacon interests over to Carl Casual, who had won Irving's confidence during the
Nutmeg Incident. Irving turned his resources and attention to growing watermelon
trees. Irving was well connected with the Kaiser, exporting huge rafts of the succulent
melons to the Fatherland in log form. Below we see Carl with Dirk Diggler, inspecting
the bacon buds on the spring vines.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Sat Jun 26, 2021 7:07 am

Mr Irving Bacon allways gave me great pleasure by sending me ze girls wit ze huge melons !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Jun 26, 2021 10:35 am

Indeed ... from such massive melons arose the rough and tumble sport of melon kayaking, which thrived for several months until falling out of favor after a spectacular mash-up at the Kern River Open Melon Kayaking Challenge of 1921 in which several dozen melons were lost and crowd favorite Washbyrne Tollet-Bletchley III's beloved biocular cockatoo mascot, Friable, escaped to parts unknown following the breakup of Tollet's melon. Unconfirmed sightings of the colorful bird were reported from as far south as Tampico, but Tollet-Bletchley, to his dismay, was never to recover the creature. Rumors persist that Tollet joined the French Foreign Legion and was involved in the Battle of the Bulgars, but no official records of any such affilliation or action have survived.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Jun 26, 2021 11:15 pm

It seems now would be a good time to bring up the melon hatching era of the area. I think that child is still sitting on that melon waiting for it to hatch.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jun 27, 2021 1:11 am

Young Euline Bonksnonkler was a watermelon brooder from a very
early age. It is obvious where she got her natural abilities. Her
Grandmother Wombat Bonksnonkler was 3/4 watermelon, on her
Father's side.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Jun 27, 2021 9:59 am

Used to be some Bonksnonklers down near May, Texas. They had some good pie melon acreage, but lost everything during the Depression when the nine Bonksnonkler sisters got married off to various traveling drummers, leaving no one to sit the melons. A local lawyer, A. Wiley Flenser, who had connections to the local bank, managed to get control of the property via foreclosure and proceded to build a rather splendid railway station on it, expecting that such a fine facility would attract a railroad. It did not, and the land and structure were eventually abandoned to Nature. Some say old Purvis Bonksnonkler's ghost still haunts the remains of the old station, but that tale has yet to be verified by professional ghostiers and a proper TV camera crew.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jun 27, 2021 5:18 pm

Purvis Bonksnonkler was a close friend of Carl Casual and the two
often spent many happy hours tending the bacon vines. The May, Tx.
Bonksnonkler crew was related to the Chugwater Bonksnonklers by
blood ancestry and melon brooding history. Outside of their common
interest in water dogs, Purvis oversaw production at KD's Texas vestibule
factory and he and KD were known to matriculate on KD's visits to the
Lone Star state.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Jun 27, 2021 5:34 pm

Mother Wombat, affectionately known as "Mom Wom" only rarely traveled, but when she did, it took a ten mule hitch and a heavy freight wagon to get her to the nearest railway stop. Once there, she was carefully crated, listed as freight, and loaded aboard a flat car or cattle car or a crane car if one was available. She actually preferred travel by crane car, about which she often said, "It makes getting up after a long ride so much easier".

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Jun 27, 2021 8:50 pm

The face of modern transportation was irreparably reformed during the Wombat-Bonksnonkler convocation.
Wdgz.jpg
"shun the frumious Bandersnatch!” perhaps is the best warning.
I myself prefer a juliped borogove.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jun 27, 2021 9:31 pm

Borogové !

I mean, who doesn't ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jul 02, 2021 6:09 pm

Just as expected, the photograph of John H. Borogove and his extended family waiting for the 3:10 at Momrath Station. (often pronounced Momerath)
Boro ect.jpg
KD wasn't able to attend the "Sendoff" due to swollen
Fakenpoth windings. (Or Pakenfoth if you live down stream.)
The train ended up being late requiring second servings for the young ones.
I'll try to get a letter off to the Institute.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Jul 02, 2021 7:01 pm

Momrath had little to recommend it other than the convenience of family camping at The End Of the Line, located just a few feet beyond the station. The campgrounds had almost nothing in the way of improvements, but did offer the assurance that one would not be run over by an errant night train. Clean towels were on offer most weekdays at 5 cents each, with 3 cents each to be refunded to the customer upon return of the towel in a sanitary condition.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jul 03, 2021 2:00 am

Purvis Bonksnonkler was night manager at the End of the Line campground.
He inherited the position from Ernie Fergler, when Ernie inherited the hardware
store. Purvis did a fine job of keeping the grounds clean of traspinoids and made
sure the quarterly taxes were paid on time, in addition to yodeling in his native
Lesbian. Guests were enchanted by his accent and stories of the old country.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sat Jul 03, 2021 7:17 am

He built a very small welcome lodge at the campground or he took over the beaver hut and threw them out!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Jul 03, 2021 8:42 am

When questioned by a nosey reporter from a big paper back East concerning the Lodge Affair, Attorney Wiley Flenser replied, "There is no issue here, attestations to the contrary emitted by certain disgruntled furry animals notwithstanding. These so-called "Beaver" have produced no title to the referenced property, or to any furnishings or fixtures attached thereto, and thus they do not, did not, and likely will not legally possess said property or any adjuncts thereto. Suggestions by self-interested agitators that I am in any way party to alleged actions that may have led to the removal of certain furry animals from a particular location in or near this community are patently false."


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jul 03, 2021 11:34 am

Wiley's stance on many Tri-Burg area issues ultimately led to
his lofty end. It was said that the final straw was the claim of
royalties owed for Happy Sally, which he said he held patent for.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Jul 03, 2021 11:53 am

Ah... the Shakespearian Solution....


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sat Jul 03, 2021 12:01 pm

Wiley always claimed he sought the "high ground" in his practice. Having achieved many acquittals in his career owing to a hung jury, his retirement was seen as poetic justice by most of the tri-burgs population.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jul 05, 2021 3:12 pm

"My dear old grandfather Litcock said, just before they sprung the trap, you can't cheat an honest man, never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump."
W. C. Fields
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jul 05, 2021 6:39 pm

Cuthbert and KD were both of the opinion that Saddlestring and
Fecklersburg produced a lot of chumps. Skippy Polemo is just one
that comes to mind.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jul 05, 2021 8:20 pm

Klutesworth Frumplnest would surely have agreed about that the minute Skippy hopped on board.
Klutesworth.jpg
The scuffle that ensued sent women and children under their coach seats and brave men to the lounge car. Screams were heard in Rawlins and boobries stopped mating for a month. The entire floor and 3 sections of wall had to be re-carpentered before the next scheduled trip.
It seems Skippy claimed Klutesworth had a hidden Loggin' Larry card up his sleeve.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 07, 2021 3:23 pm

For obvious reasons, Loggin' Larry was close friends with both Buck Futz
and Buff Pucker. The three took 18 Tri-Burg championships on the 4-man
snoozaphone, playing to a packed house everywhere they went. They opened
all their concerts with a rousing rendition of Sawing Timber, Kid Shelleen's
signature number. Kid was playing lead in this photo.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Wed Jul 07, 2021 6:24 pm

That looks like a lot of hard labor just to produce one garbanzo bean vine trellis....


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jul 08, 2021 1:23 am

Buff Pucker was a well known accoustics specialist. He found the trellis
greatly buffered the low end vibrato of the Spoozaphone.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Thu Jul 08, 2021 8:59 am

John Phillip Spooza, speaking on the occasion of the 37th Amythyst & Feldspar Fest, flatly stated that the spoozaphone, to which he disclaimed any connection, was "The greatest nuisance to afflict Mankind since the pflugelhorn". He went on to suggest that it sounded like a cross between an amorous donkey, a bassoon, and a screech owl playing bagpipes badly. In spite of Spooza's scathing remarks, Alvin "Orly" Shanksmare had considerable success with his traveling all goat orchestra, which included a well-regulated spoozaphone section backed by a widely-acclaimed electric kettledrum section.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Jul 08, 2021 11:39 pm

One of the goat orchestra.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Jul 09, 2021 1:55 am

Makes sense. Spooza WAS a veteran of the Nutmeg Incident, and
was later a Commander in the Mormon Navy.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Jul 09, 2021 8:32 am

The Mormon Sand Navy distinguished itself in action against Yutish raiders at the Battle of the Cindercones in 1847. A stiff gale and the cunning of Admiral Ambergris drove the marauding Yutes off the desert floor and back into the rocky hills and canyons, where their agile, but fragile, sand canoes were dashed upon the rugged rocks. Loss of life, luckily, was minimal, and most Yutes elected to give up the exciting past time of open desert piracy to became door-to-door retailers for large eastern pharmaceutical companies. Thus did the Battle of the Cindercones serve to open vast new tracts of the uncharted Western desert for settlement and recreational venues. It's said that it took a wind of some 40 miles per hour to get a Mormon sandship underway, but once in motion, they were very nearly unstoppable. Of course, the coming of the railroads changed all that... ushering in strip malls, juice bars, and store-bought clothing.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jul 09, 2021 9:01 am

Another of the troop was Billey Fiddlestein.
Billey.jpg
He was great help to Kalamity Dick designing the ruminant chambers of the Flux Confabulator and rented a room at the boarding house. He was one of Skippy Polemo's only friends and chaperoned his wedding knight.
He also designed the hull of several sand canoes during sabbaticals from the orchestraw.
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