OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

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Rich Bingham
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Apr 21, 2020 3:19 pm

Sebastian wishes to point out that the Farkle Brothers were definitely NOT the marginally successful vaudeville team “Heptolloid & Zebulon” who toured the Outer Banks at the same time. Just an amusing coincidence I guess.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Apr 21, 2020 3:33 pm

Thank Sebastian for that. It's important to know. Neither were they part of the Flatacaster crew on the old H & M during the Wienfester Episode. Yes, Zebulon was often mistaken for Abernathy, lower left behind the Abnochister Plemb, but his attitude towards rail work was not at all the same.
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The later did marry one of the Plathamster girls but found it difficult. You know how they were.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Apr 22, 2020 2:23 am

It's been said that all their time was taken by the Humptulips twins.

You never want to cut corners when doing railroad work.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Wayne Sheldon » Wed Apr 22, 2020 5:04 am

CLEANUP on TRESTLE number TWO!

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Apr 22, 2020 8:29 am

Apparently poor ambitions and loco motives.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Apr 22, 2020 10:54 am

The Vanderbilt tender didn't help, and the Humptulips twins were no help at all.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Apr 22, 2020 11:11 am

Some of them are trained specialists.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Apr 22, 2020 12:11 pm

The training wheels were taken off the train for the trainee. Trained on curves, the trainee lost his train of thought trying to take a corner with the train. A loco motive indeed!

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Apr 22, 2020 12:18 pm

He probably had a one-track-mind. If you don't mind. That's a switch but he was a Freight to Express himself. Fit to be tied as it were.
Ulysess.jpg
Meanwhile down the track Ulysses was waiting for them.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Apr 22, 2020 12:28 pm

Puns were banned in Chugwater, under Chugwater City Revised Code A-2113, Ch.617,
paragraph 31. 21 Sept. 1911. Ruling was subsequently tabled and adopted by Calhoun
County in April of the following year. Both cited undue public suffering. Punishment
was 30 days in the stocks.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Apr 22, 2020 12:31 pm

Could have been just blowing off steam or just boxed in. Maybe he just would not use his engine ears while in training. You may be on the right track Rich. Hard to guage the situation now but I bet he was kicked in the caboose for that !


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Apr 22, 2020 12:34 pm

Rich, waiting or watching ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Apr 22, 2020 12:49 pm

For some reason, there was a spike in unscheduled derailments on Ulysses’ watch . . .
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Apr 22, 2020 1:37 pm

His wife often mis-spelt his name "Useless". They were an interesting couple. His poor choices proved terminal. Perhaps too many High-balls and maybe an occasional reefer. He didn't die Right of way but eventually became a deadman.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Apr 22, 2020 3:21 pm

She may have been unfair. Perhaps it was a low thyroid or a vitamin deficiency that caused Ulysses to run out of steam ? Regardless, it meant the end of the line for him.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Apr 22, 2020 8:03 pm

The Flatacaster crew on the old H&M were racers at heart. Lets not forget the winning team from that year.
unnamed.jpg
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Some said they were loony but as the photo shows they were Boony's.
Anothe photo found not to be lost, was of the race tracks just outside town. The lower basin was full of tracks.
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Here we see the boys making a timed pass. Noted by Ulysses as he watched.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Apr 22, 2020 11:48 pm

Kalamity, ever the mechanical tinkerer, would have nothing of this pump car
business, and did his racing with "The Bug". A kaphistulator-based propulsion
unit that ran on mushroom gas allowed strong lift off, without wheel spin thru
a steam integrator, coupled at the third drive link.

KDsportabout.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Apr 23, 2020 8:26 am

Mushroom gas eh?
Did the conductor or the engineer toot the whistle?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Apr 23, 2020 9:09 am

"The Bug" was quite an improvement over the Guilderfluke powered ambler. The Guilderfluke was not very suitable for high speed traffic. Low festern pressure for one thing. Here we see Emanuel Ciliftonbopper about to crown his Brother, frustrated by the slow speed.
Ciliftonbopper.jpg
In this case, both tooted but nobody noticed.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Apr 23, 2020 11:26 am

Sebastian just crossed my desk with a sheaf of notes from KD’s briefcase. (There was also a well preserved ham sandwich in the briefcase which will be displayed in the Institute’s kaphistulator display along with KD’s favorite pair of pliers)

Pertinent to this discussion are the details for upgrading the kaphistulator drive from a “steam litigator” to the better-known “steam integrator”. The Cliftonbopper brothers never understood the underlying principles, but became experts in adjusting the machine for optimal festern pressures, a tricky proposition at high altitudes.

Speaking of underlying principals, the “bug” got away from its operators on a steep incline and tragically ran over a gathering of Tri-burg school district administrators on their way to a picnic outing, May 26, 1926. These things come up regularly when you’re researching the other thing.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Apr 23, 2020 1:10 pm

I know those pliers. They had a Phillips screwdriver tip ground into one handle. He wouldn't lower himself to have a real Phillips.
Emanuel and "Cilift" (as they called him) would gauge the ambler's speed by driving a stake near one wheel and then measure the distance moved in ten minutes with a yardstick. Had they only had the filistreamer pins aligned vertically they could have tripled the rapidity.
Was the sandwich ham and cheese by any chance?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Apr 23, 2020 2:45 pm

Kalamity Dick had so many endearing personality quirks. Cuthbert claimed KD's aversion to Philips screws was rooted in an unfortunate incident involving milk of magnesia, but we can't be sure of that. For a short time, Ernie's Saloon offered a cocktail called a Philips Screwdriver, but it proved unpopular. The cocktail was "invented" by Ernie's part-time bartender Philo, whose mixology tended toward bizarre combinations. Possibly a connection ?

As for the sandwich, curators at the Institute believe it included a slice of Camembert originally, but it's most likely the mouse who chewed random holes in Dick's journal ate it. The omissions in the journal make for very entertaining reading at times.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Apr 23, 2020 5:33 pm

"Milk of Magnesia"? My info claims he used "Cream of Vanadium". We found it filed under "B".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Apr 24, 2020 12:07 pm

“Ketone’s Compendium of Mineral Marinades” lists milk of magnesia and cream of vanadium as interchangeable. Philo used milk of magnesia only because the drug store was next door to Ernie’s. Being particular as he was, KD always preferred cream of vanadium, and separated it from fresh vanadium milk himself. On festive occasions he would churn some for vanadium butter, a special treat, but high in calories. Cuthbert kept a tin-horn Milking Vanadium cow on his place just for him.

That picture reminds me that all of the documents in the lower forty need to be harrowed again this spring. The file is just for “touching up”.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 25, 2020 2:09 am

Personally, I found Ketone's "Transport of Toxic Slurries" to be the most
compelling read I have ever had the pleasure to run my eyes across.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sat Apr 25, 2020 10:15 am

Burger, you may want to avail yourself of all five volumes of the Ketone manuals. They were collated, updated and re-published as a set, titled “Ketone’s Mineral and Mining Sampler” in 1939. Great bedtime reading, but it’s heavy. As many reviewers commented, “ I couldn’t pick it up.”
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 25, 2020 12:31 pm

Funny you should mention that, as Ketone worked directly with KD to produce the
"Ketone Bedside Lifter, a revolutionary idea in the practice of bedtime reading".
Essentially a tripod crane, it used a manually cranked hypoid gearset, coupled with
a kaphistulator-inspired Roff spindle to lift and swivel the heavy volumes above the
reader's position of nocturne. Standard paint color was a dark blue nitrocellulose
lacquer with gold pinstriping, but a Spring Colors series was offered each year to
spark mid-year sales. New year models generally appeared the first week of September,
after the furnaces had been rebuilt over the summer break. Aunt Velma got hers as
a child and still uses it today at the nursing home. She is the envy of the entire place.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sat Apr 25, 2020 2:29 pm

AH Aunt Velma I always enjoyed her homemade Mushroom moss and vanadium crunch cookies. I hope she is well at the nursing home.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 25, 2020 7:08 pm

Aunt Melva is as suspicious and untrusting as ever, but she does whip up some wicked
mushroom moss, and the crunch in those vanadium cookies is to die for. Melva is doing
amazingly well for being over 100 years old. She still picks her own mushroom moss up
at the moss beds, but she takes the train now. The train crews make a special stop for
her at Speculum Creek. She still occasionally rides her water bike up the Chugwater to
keep up her cardio, but no longer competes. The guys from the Alphabet Mine bring her
vanadium ore, in trade for cookies.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sun Apr 26, 2020 12:51 pm

What about gilsonite?

I have been doing some research and have found this out:


Gilsonite is a solid hydrocarbon mined in vertical veins in southern Uintah County, Utah. It is found in veins anywhere from a foot to twenty-two feet in width, and a depth of a few feet up to 2,000 feet. The black shiny mineral is not commercially mined anywhere else in the world and only found in a few other places.

Following discovery, miners began working the gilsonite mines in the late 1800s. With the remoteness and distance to the mines, mining camps were set up at the various mine sites. The Uintah Railway was built from Mack, Colorado, over Baxter Pass, to transport gilsonite and eventually passengers and freight to and from the mining communities.

Families joined their husbands and fathers at the camps. Communities sprang up, namely the communities of Dragon, Rainbow, Watson, and Bonanza, along with others. Stores and boarding houses were opened to accommodate the miners and their families and schools were built for the children to attend.

The rich history left behind from the gilsonite mining communities gives an understanding of those that worked and lived there and certainly deserves its place in history.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Apr 26, 2020 2:09 pm

They’re still mining Gilsonite and adding it to asphalt mixes for paving. Good post Herb, thanks ! (Honest ! No joke !! You can check with Heinrich at the Institute if you doubt me. )
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sun Apr 26, 2020 7:07 pm

Was Kalamity in on this?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Apr 26, 2020 7:43 pm

I’m glad you asked that Herb. Kalamity Dick and Sam Gilson never did see eye to eye. Part of their disaffection stemmed from the fact that at the time the mineral was discovered, the Uintas Basin was Indian reservation land and for that reason, pretty much out of KD’s usual path as he made his rounds of travel through the West. He strenuously objected to Gilson’s plan to have some 7,000 acres removed from reservation boundaries to enable his mining venture to operate. KD once threw Sam out of a bar in Ouray bodily and thrashed him with a buggy whip for bragging on his proposal to defraud the Indians.

It was all for naught, as Gilson’s lobbying proved effective in Congress and his mining concessions were eventually parted off of reservation lands and his claims legally approved. Disillusionment over this turn of events is partly what turned Dick into something of a recluse. As a gesture of protest, KD stripped all the factory paint from the chassis of his Model T when he assembled his raceabout.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Apr 26, 2020 9:14 pm

Not unlike the recent news story, where CU Boulder student Tyler Snowflake
cut off his legs to protest the war ...

When asked about it, Tyler said he couldn't take it anymore, citing 10 credits
of Gender Studies per semester was an unfair burden, that it looked like the
4-year degree was going to take 12, and that job prospects weren't looking too
promising, outside the public sector.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Apr 28, 2020 12:01 pm

MIckey Trickle, back from the war, taking the Farkler out for a turn on
Farkle Flats Farm with Ferd Farkle.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Apr 29, 2020 2:13 am

There was quite a bit of this going on too.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Apr 29, 2020 12:48 pm

Arenith Van Whoscatlix raced pheasants as shown here. Originally part of the Regatta but after the Spadafords tipped the wagering odds it became a back alley proposition. KD and Cuthbert always bet on Arenith but the pheasant nearly always won.
Thanks as always, Burger, for bringing this up.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:18 pm

That's a load!
fancy poultry.jpg
Can anyone read the scale? They look like they ought to 200 lbs a piece!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:59 pm

Herb, you have the last photo of the open foul wagon. Seems the flash terrified the chicken and they flew to coupe! Being teathered to the rig seemed like a good idea till they lifted off and that scared the h€}{ out of the team. They ran till they touched down, plum wore out. The driver never hauled Bigbird again. To this day chickens are transported in enclosed rigs.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Apr 29, 2020 11:55 pm

I don't know much about this, but the boys from the Institute were mighty
excited when they found this volume of photos, covering the poultry livery
period around Chugwater in the trunk of values. They dropped in today, on
account of the lunch special at Ernie's and having to wait for the next trolley.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Thu Apr 30, 2020 7:47 am

That photo of the boy in the cart with the turkeys pulling it was given credit for creating the new dance craze known as the "Turkey Trot"
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Thu Apr 30, 2020 8:49 am

My Great Grandfather was a well known Turkey Wrangler, claimed he could have a Wild Turkey down in 2 seconds flat, but that is another story alltogether..
When in trouble, do not fear, blame the second engineer ! 8-)
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Apr 30, 2020 9:37 am

For some time the trunk of values has proved invaluable in providing details on obscure topics. The “Poultry Livery Period” in the Basin has been entirely overlooked up to now, so the Institute’s entire team of researchers has been at work with the files since discovery. Here’s a quick rundown on what they have found so far:
1. The PLP began shortly after word reached Chugwater about the Wright Bros. successful flight.
2. This coincided with one of KD’s extensive sojourns out of the basin, when he was not immediately available for the area’s amateur inventors to consult.
3. Said amateurs completely misconstrued the concept of a “flying machine”, and reckoned that like using oxen or draft horses, avian power would have to be harnessed in some fashion, beginning with ground drive.
4. The “PLP” lasted only a few short months, and was immediately followed by the “poultry liver period” when the glut of experimental birds had to be reduced. There always was a high demand for pate fois gras in the Tri-Burg area.
5. Kaiser’s great grandfather became an overnight celebrity at Ernie’s Saloon.

More details as they arise.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Apr 30, 2020 10:42 am

The "I-staff", as they are wont to call themselves, are ectstatically pouring through
the PLP photo file.

KDplp1.jpg
KDplp1.jpg (55.64 KiB) Viewed 20283 times
KDplp2.jpg
KDplp3.jpg

Heinrich emphatically supports a return to the clothing styles shown in the last photo.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Apr 30, 2020 12:32 pm

Hephzibah sent this over from the changing room at the Marina.
Raggata-1931.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri May 01, 2020 11:15 am

It’s quite plain from this flood of informative photographs that the PLP inventors were very conscious of power to weight ratios in these early attempts; hence the use of small children.

Hepzibah claims the first trials for water-skiing chickens were aimed at achieving “escape velocity” to get them airborne. However, the old saw, “mad as a wet hen” proved true. Wet to the skin and sodden, the birds could not lift off. Eventually, the flock acquired a liking for water sports, and developed several amazing stunt routines like the one shown. “The Buff Orpington Follies” performed for several seasons at the annual regatta, thrilling the crowds with their daring-do.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri May 01, 2020 2:18 pm

Another pertinent photo is of Arenith's cousin Dinwiddie and Surge preparing to blow up a flat tire. It seems it was the day before the all-you-can eat Chicken Spinach Artichoke Rice Casserole at Ernie's. There was enough left over to pack in the ice box and save for the Regatta.
Flatt.jpg
Surge was missed by many.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri May 01, 2020 3:53 pm

A skilled hand with explosives when on the job in the alphabet mines, Surge seriously misjudged the amount of TNT required to blow up a 30 x 3-1/2” tire to 55psi. The Saddlestring Clarion did publish a very fine eulogy, however.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri May 01, 2020 6:20 pm

Yes Rich, he certainly knew the ABC's of detonation at work but pressure and inflation got the better of him in this incidence. It's not common knowledge but Neil Armstrong was the one to find his hall pass for Pit "D".
The service was completely translated in Pythagorean also.

Did I mention the green Jello salad with carrots?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri May 01, 2020 11:46 pm

You did not mention the green jello salad with carrots, but thanks for the late
mention. Which reminds me, the menu has been changed at Wo Fat Golden
Noodle, and the No.69 is now chow mein with snow pea.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sat May 02, 2020 7:51 am

Also at the Wo Fat Golden Noodle the fortune cookie is now stuffed with toilet paper instead of just a small message
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat May 02, 2020 2:17 pm

We all know that Kalamity Dick preferred the food at the Terminal Cafe or the Special at Ernie's but his Raceabout was often spotted outside the Golden Noodle. Was it the No.69 or was he just tuning the Vegitizer? Many parts from the guilderfluke catalog had been installed.
WoFat.jpg
You must try the green Jello salad with carrots if you haven't. It's wonderful with Vanadi-berries.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun May 03, 2020 1:08 am

Wo Fat was an interesting man. He came to Chugwater with the chinese to
build the railroad, but stayed and opened his noodle parlor. He never drove
a car, breeding some very strange looking "horses" he brought from China to
use both on the noodle farm and for personal transporation. Farm hands said
in private that Wo Fat actually crossbred anteaters with the native bears to
create this hybrid. Whatever the origins, they were reliable, covered rough
terrain with ease and speed, and kept the ants down out on the noodle farm.

fullsizeoutput_788.jpeg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun May 03, 2020 3:40 pm

Ah yes, the "Noddle Farm". You know Hennessy worked there for 2¢ an bushel. Wo was a though boss but fair. At lunch time they would always play Schtock. Wo Fat never won to my knowledge.
KDNodddlz.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun May 03, 2020 9:39 pm

It’s a curious fact of horticulture that Asian noodle varieties are annuals planted as row crops as seen in the above photo, whereas spaghetti and other Italian pasta varieties grow on trees, usually in olive orchards. Wo Fat’s noodle farm was successful enough to supply his restaurant, but never produced enough for outside markets. Winters in the basin were a bit too harsh.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun May 03, 2020 9:59 pm

Wo Fat was content to just supply his noodle parlor, but his twin brother Tu had
musical aspirations and took the noodle horticulture indoors to supply others, and
support himself while he worked on his music. Tu Fat and the Taildraggers achieved
modest success in the various Chinatowns of the Basin and sold a lot of records to
tourists.


From the cover of their 16th album "Don't touch me there":

be1166f44a19e082f7bf0bc27252c2e8.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon May 04, 2020 12:17 pm

Tu Fat was a legend in the Basin. Most folks don’t know how deeply he influenced both the recording industry and the genre of Western music. The 16th album was the first time artwork was produced exclusively for an album cover. No mean feat in the era of wax gramophone cylinders. Tu and his Taildraggers “covered” classic cowboy trail songs, paving the way for the many other performers who came after and later immortalized them.
Among my favorites from the “Don’t Touch Me There” 16th album:

“Oh Led” , “Litta Langala Jo” , “Da Sta Belly Loan” , and “Mute Lane”.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon May 04, 2020 12:27 pm

Yes, indeed !

And we ALL owe a massive debt of gratitude to Tu Fat for the large presence of
orchestral interest in all of Calhoun County. From the Saddlestring Quintet Society
to the Chugwater Symphony, and school programs across the Basin, it was all begun
with Tu and his greenhouse noodle farm, allowing him to create all of the above and
more. He was a remarkable man.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon May 04, 2020 12:31 pm

I've been in the archives today and found some corroborating evidence.I know he doesn't look like it but this is Tu's cousin Hung One On.
Hung one on.jpg

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Mon May 04, 2020 12:49 pm

One thing you can say about Wo Fat and Tu Fat is that they sure used their noodle!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon May 04, 2020 2:38 pm

Supposedly, the Symphony was asked not to practice in the alley behind Ernie's on Wednesdays as it threw off the concentration of goatshoe players.
Simfunny.jpg
Heptasoph, drummer at right, went on to get a job polishing wax at the White House. I believe several newspaper clippings are on display at the institute.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon May 04, 2020 3:17 pm

The Fat family was a bit shy of their relationship to the Ons. They were all heavy drinkers, and the Fats were tee-totaling Methodists. Hung Wun achieved remarkable fame as the world’s first side-saddle bull rider in spite of his alcoholism. Rodeo fans thrilled to see him ride the salty ones in full Mandarin regalia (hence the side-saddle approach). He even came in second at Cheyenne once, and followed the circuit to Pendleton, and on to Calgary where a Brahma named “Noodlemaker” threw him in 7.5 seconds. Despondent at the failure, Hung hung one on and never returned to the States.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon May 04, 2020 5:35 pm

I wonder how that window got broken in Hung's photo.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon May 04, 2020 9:30 pm

Heinrich told Bertram that Heptasoph was an accomplished waxer of wildebeasts
and polisher of dolphins. The Whitehouse gig was just a step in his rise to fame. He
said that some speculate that he polished Hung Wun's dolphin during the annual Gay
90's festival and this may have precipitated his taking the position in Washington.
But he could not keep a straight face and confided to Bertram than he was just
pulling his noodle.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Tue May 05, 2020 8:04 am

Riding under the influence of Happy Sally was nothing new for Tu's cousin Hung One On but with colder weather approaching Hung was worried about his large bull getting cold at night so he contacted Kalamity Dick to see if he had any ideas on how to keep the large bulls in the Chugwater basin warm. It just so happens that Wo Fat had also recently contacted KD and ask if he had any ideas on what to do with the leftover noodles that the customers didn't eat. Well as we all know KD is a very resourceful fellow and took on both projects at the same time. After some trial and error he developed a large Noodle Weaving Loom and would take the left over noodles from Wo's diner and weave them into large blankets to cover the bulls to keep them warm at night thus solving both problems at one time. Kalamity Dick became known as the "Largest Bull Sheeter in the Chugwater Basin".

I will check my files again but I seem to have lost my photo of the Noodle Loom. I hope some one has one they can share. Rumor has it that KD made several different models.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue May 05, 2020 11:49 am

Hi Perry. I'm not sure if this is the Noodle Loomery or the Bait Factory. Smithers worked both places although at different times. He was the "Master Noodler" at the first spot. Not sure what he did at the second?? Master something no doubt.
Nooodlzz.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed May 06, 2020 1:09 am

In THAT way, noodling remains a popular sport for young and old in the
Chugwater Basin. Pro Noodler is still the hottest selling magazine on the racks,
and leagues are forming up like always, this time of year. Silver Plume has
fielded a strong team now for several years running. Heinrich thinks they'll go
to State this season.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed May 06, 2020 8:01 am

Rich thanks for finding an interior view of the Noodle Factory. I could only find an outside view of the building.
noodle factory.JPG
It seem like a pretty big bid operation with even a railroad spur going to it.
They must have shipped oodles of noodles.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed May 06, 2020 10:46 am

That was Tu Fat's shipping operation at the base of Wombeekler St. The
Chugwater & Northern extended the spur in 1898. The careful study will
note the Wilfley's Patent Noodle Separator on the roof. These worked like
a table operation, with the snifting grids interlocked on a radius. Wilfley
was able to process low grade noodle base into usable concentrates that
had theretofore been left in the tailings dump. As a result, all the tailings
dumps throughout the Basin were reprocessed and that is why we see no
tailings dumps anywhere today, except in that color-free zone in the canyon.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed May 06, 2020 4:50 pm

Wilfley's Patent Noodle Separator was a miracle in itself. Cutting snifting time nearly in half saved the industry. Here we see the second shift warming themselves by the Buditilator.
DaBoys.jpg
Leonidas, posing center, went on to have 23 grandchildren and not one ever worked in the Noodle industry. However the second youngest worked as a Butler for Emmett Kelly.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed May 06, 2020 7:00 pm

The information available on this forum is unbelievable.
What a wealth of historical information.
I hope someone has all this backed up for posterior.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed May 06, 2020 11:43 pm

Wilfley had his own mill and spur off the C&S, just downgrade from Kokomo,
but it was his musical connection with Tu Fat that put that concentrator on Tu's
mill. Wilfley played spoozaphone since the age of 4 and toured several seasons
with Tu after the Nutmeg Incident. He was gifted that way, and was the first
ever inducted into the Spoozaphone Hall of Fame. The two remained lifelong
friends.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed May 06, 2020 11:59 pm

Interesting how music captured him at an early age. He, Duke Fitzellwitz and Leonidas, pictured here with the Brass Baritone Euphonium Horn Three Valve, gave concerts in grade school at the Home for unwed Deputies during the siege.
Leonidas.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu May 07, 2020 12:23 am

Oh my, lest we forget the Home for Unwed Deputies ! Such a sad tale of
life, misery, and woe. Is the six-point Deputy's star neon sign still shining
brightly ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu May 07, 2020 11:54 am

Due to budget restraints the neon is only turned on Tuesday and Thursday knights. This photo was taken on a Friday accommodating the photographer.
This, of course, is the Slickpoo Road location.
DepHmm.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu May 07, 2020 7:09 pm

As a former deputy himself, Bartholomew was especially motivated to research the home on Slickpoo Road. While digging through the files, he found this photo of the prototype bicycle Kalamity Dick designed and built for sheriff Chauncey T. Dumbrow shortly before he was voted out of office. Personally frightened of horses and phobic to the extreme, Dumbrow demanded his deputies patrol the county on bicycles but the rough roads and trails through the Chugwater district were extremely hard on conventional two-wheelers. When asked if his improved bicycle would hold up under the rigorous conditions, KD quipped “Hope springs eternal.”
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri May 08, 2020 1:18 am

Calhoun County Sheriff's Dept. still uses those in Sectors 3, 4, 6, 9, and 12.
They are infinitely rebuildable and Ziptie Puckermore, head of vehicle maintenance,
not only thinks they are awesome, but has trained the understaff to do all
the more technical aspects of refurnishment and restoration, ensuring that
the entire fleet (26) will be around for a long time to come. Ziptie is son of
Gondor, and an elder in the Pythagorian establishment. But you probably already
knew that.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Fri May 08, 2020 8:13 am

Is the rifle an option or an accessory?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri May 08, 2020 10:17 am

Actually, Herb, the rifle is structural, forming the brace between the seat upright and the front fork. Recoil dramatically improves the bicycle’s brakes which are marginal at best. Once, descending Killmotor Hill, Deputy Clodworth Beezley was obliged to fire thirty six rounds in order to avoid certain death. Four of farmer Seamus Owlsley’s prize Jersey milk cows were killed in the fusillade, but the county commission unanimously voted to deny Owlsley any compensation on the grounds the cows were “obstructing justice”.

Citizens in the Basin have learned to give the sheriff’s patrols wide berth on steep grades.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri May 08, 2020 11:21 am

The upside to the poor braking was the devolopment of the No Brakes Race,
held in conjunction with the Annual Regatta, where competitors push their
bicycles over the edge of the special course that runs down from the summit
of Killmotor Mountain to the finish line at Owlsley's ranch. Much like Olympic
toboggan racing, the special course, with high banked curves, rolls, and death
defying drops take racers to speeds over 200mph. No small feat on steel spring
tires.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri May 08, 2020 11:33 am

It's great to see a copy of that photo survived the invocation. Also appropriate that the tandem speeders arrived at the same time as Deputy Drizzle's Spring Retirement. I was more than pleased to see the canvas saddle pack which held investigative tools and cosmetics. The Remington 'Model KD3' .62 Cal. musket was surplus from the Quadratic War in the 1890s.

We had biscuits at Owlsley's ranch just last St. Switin's day.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri May 08, 2020 2:16 pm

I’m glad to learn the Owlsleys keep up the tradition of holding a community biscuit feed each St. Swithin’s Day. That was started by Ma Owlsley on the occasion of the very first regatta. Her favorite saying was, “You can put horse turds in the oven, but that don’t make ‘em biscuits.”

There were times when KD wasn’t quite sure about that. Ma was a lousy cook, but her heart was in the right place.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri May 08, 2020 10:33 pm

Funny, ... that her heart was in the right place, but putting road apples in the oven
is clearly the wrong place. Ma wore a garter belt made of barbed wire, Heinrich says
it is in the archive collection in the South Wing.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat May 09, 2020 2:00 am

A photo of Ma Owlsley before the bad biscuit incident.

KDmaowlsley.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sat May 09, 2020 8:24 am

No one in town could ever keep a secret around Ol Ma Owlsely They said she could tell you stories of what was going on in the next county! They tried to sign her up during the big war to use her as an advanced radar installation
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat May 09, 2020 3:03 pm

Making fun of Ma's looks is what made her the angry and spiteful woman that she
could be. And none of this helped her cooking and created a constant inner conflict
between her good hearted nature and wishing to bite the heads off her antagonists.
It pains me to see this still going on.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun May 10, 2020 11:26 am

Heinrich sent this by. He said it shows the spandrel for KD's Spunctator being
delivered to Owlsley's farm.

In KD's notes, he wrote "By banding the nine temporally squared balance arms,
the diagonal inversion of the fields was neutralized, thereby overcoming the
lift leakdown that had foiled all attempts by others".

Owlsleys used it every season until they could no longer get whale blubber to
fuel it.
KDhrududu.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun May 10, 2020 1:46 pm

Burger, please thank Heinrich for supplying this photo next time he sees you. There’s a good reason why he is the Institute’s senior researcher and janitorial foreman.

At first I wondered why there were two steam traction engines pulling in tandem to deliver the spandrel beams. Then I realized the entire spunctuator mechanism was being hauled as well, slung from the spandrel beams (it’s covered with a white tarp between the trucks).

As Ma Owlsley would say, “Take a big ox son, to carry that load !” Given the enormous weight and massive proportions of so many of KD’s inventions, it’s small wonder that he spent so much of his time in solitude, contemplating methods of levitation. Keep in mind all this was accomplished long before the advent of the perambulator crane.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun May 10, 2020 2:18 pm

KD was a blessing to the Owlsleys in so many ways. He even drove the biscuit truck on Thursdays if there were no Drandbills to shear.
Rtruk.jpg
Speaking of neutralizing diagonal inversion fields reminds me of a funny story. This fellow walks into a bar and asked for a Bourbon. The bartender walks into the back and comes back with a fancy lady. "This is Cheryl Bourbon." The fellow says "No, I mean a shot of Bourbon!"
The bartender and Cheryl disappear and soon the bartender returns with a Exel/BD 60 CC- Luer Lock Syringe full of straw-gold colored liquid. "Is this better he asks?"
The customer pulls out a Nickle plated Iver Johnson Hammerless .38 S&W with ivory grips and puts two shots in his left Levator Labii Superioris. "Take that you Silly Son-of-a-B#@%h."
I still don't know why that strikes me funny but it does. :lol:
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun May 10, 2020 9:32 pm

Rich, thank you for providing the photo of KD behind the wheel of the Owlsley’s light delivery truck. Historically important for two reasons, the sign imprint on the van shows Ma Owlsley in her younger days, and the truck proves that scale receipts found in Seamus’ documents were indeed for truck loads in excess of five tons net. It also goes along with another of Ma’s folksy sayings, “Light biscuits are for sissies.”

The amusing story you related was much appreciated by the entire Institute staff. Sebastian laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. We had to send him home for another pair of trousers.

The funny story may have had some basis in fact. At one point, Ernie employed a barmaid named Sherry Bourbon. She was actually Scotch. You’ll recall the earlier reference to Philo, Ernie’s part-time bartender? (Surname unknown). Ernie often had to reprimand him for his unorthodox methods and mixology. At issue was his penchant for pouring double shots for the price of a jigger. At one point an unhappy customer left him with two .38 caliber holes through his zygomatic arches.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sun May 10, 2020 10:04 pm

I decided to do my own research today. I believe Heinrich took the day off.
Going through the file I came up with two hits for Biscuit.
loose wiles biscuit co.JPG
And
rat biscuit.jpg
I don't know which might apply to the current topic.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun May 10, 2020 10:34 pm

Anything involving the Levator Labii is pretty funny. Especially the Superioris.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon May 11, 2020 8:45 am

Thank you Herb, that explains the eighteen inch papier-mache rat 🐀 in the rotating displays artifacts bin. It frightens Bartholomew and his cat as well.
Last edited by Rich Bingham on Mon May 11, 2020 10:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon May 11, 2020 10:43 am

Ya, the point to the joke was why would a guy with a Nickle plated Iver Johnson Hammerless .38 S&W with ivory grips be drinking Bourbon?
Question, if your Wiles is Loose why would you be baking biscuits?
$3.60 for 3 dozen sounds fair to me and I did order the Yankee Roach Powder just in case.
I will mention Ernie's only ran the Racing for two seasons.
Rasing.jpg
Thanks as always.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon May 11, 2020 11:01 am

It is a shame that the cockroach racing only lasted two seasons. It really
brought the fashionable crowd into Ernie's.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon May 11, 2020 11:24 am

It did bring an interesting crowd in. By the way, the photo used in the ad was taken there just after Happy Hour.
CRErneezz.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon May 11, 2020 9:43 pm

It appears that Happy Hour resulted in the desired effect. The photo had the
background cut out because of the accidental inclusion of one of Chugwater's
saddest historical characters. Verna and Calderon Hickler opened the peptide
dispensary across the tracks from the depot in 1879. Ten years later they had
a son and named him after Calderon's maternal grandfather, Adolph. History
did not deal young Adolph a fair hand, as events a world away would make the
poor boy's life difficult. He spent most of his life hiding himself and his identity,
for fear of association with a notorious person of very similar name. In the original
photo, we can make out Adolph's upper head, poking out from behind Willard
Wonkmatter, champion cockroach racer from Calcutta. In spite of his self-imposed
sequestration, Adolph was able to solve the eternal conundrum, and resultantly
earned a comfortable life for himself from the royalties.

Many asked why Adolph why he didn't just change his name. The answer involved
the glitch in the system, that precipitated the Nutmeg Incident, and no names
could be changed, although he did fancy being known as "Zebulon Funkschmelter".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue May 12, 2020 12:34 pm

And we all know how unpopular schmelting Funks became after the War.
One reason cockroach racing was discontinued was that the gambling on it got out of hand. Shown here, Baby Face Frothingcap (no relation) made the stakes very inviting. As the crowds grew Ernie feared drug use and prostitution would creep in by outside sources and beyond what the Deputies could control. One day Frothingcap (no relation) met with an unfortunate accident on his way to visit his poor Aunt Martha.
Martha had been born in Twiddlesburg just outside Laramie not long after the Cheesecake Hostilities. Growing up in a family of manifold sweeps she learned at an early age not to flush the kingpins. Never the less she married well and had a number of children one being called Melvin. Funny name for a girl I thought. At any rate Martha grew a mustache and worked for Kalamity Dick at the malting bins most of here life. At one time she had a cat named Spot and three hamsters all before it became popular.
None of this had anything to do with gambling at Ernie's but I thought you all should know.
By the way, the cockroach steaks that Baby Face (no relation) made so inviting weren't bad unless overcooked.
More Later
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BByFc1.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Wayne Sheldon » Wed May 13, 2020 4:42 am

Ah-HA! More proof of time travel! A vintage photograph showing MODERN hundred dollar bills! A goodly sum to be sure back then.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Wayne Sheldon » Wed May 13, 2020 4:44 am

I just now noticed that my total (since reboot!) posts has just surpassed Columbus and the ocean blue.

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