OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

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Burger in Spokane
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Feb 13, 2022 8:18 pm

The Uvula League opened up the Uvula Opera House portion of
their building to present the longest running stage production in
Chugwater history, with their version of Invasion of the Hollyhocks.
While Uvula League members played most parts in the play, a number
of local talents were recruited for the song and dance numbers. This
is where Heinrich got his start, playing the part of Uncle Lumby in
his childhood years.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sun Feb 13, 2022 8:40 pm

Interesting.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Mon Feb 14, 2022 11:21 am

Sadly, Uncle Lumby was not amused by Heinrich's performance. In spite of his tender years (Heinrich was three at the time) Columbus set about "teaching that young scamp to respect his elders". Carrying a shotgun loaded with rock-salt, and mounted on his horse, Satan, Uncle Lumby prowled the streets and alleyways near the opera house for the chance to give Heinrich "a dose of medicine". Fortunately for Heinrich, Satan pulled up lame with a bog spavin about the same time Lumby took to his bed with a severe episode of lumbago. Both passed away within hours of each other, and so ended another Tri-burg legend.

Linguists will note the cognate linking the ailment to Columbus' nickname. Heinrich has refused outright to do any research on the connection. Understandable, we think.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Feb 14, 2022 11:30 am

The Opera House was also used as seating for those waiting for their Shuffleboard permits. Dillman Whitburple was in charge later that same year.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Mon Feb 14, 2022 4:03 pm

The Uvula League spared no expense making the Opera House a notably opulent facility. One of the most popular performances that entertained the shuffleboard applicants was a series of short skits enacted without dialogue, where the audience was asked to relate the plot of each skit upon conclusion. Many entertaining mis-guesses livened the evening with much laughter and good-natured ribbing. The performances were billed as "Pantomime of the Opera".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Feb 15, 2022 4:56 pm

Well said Rich. The play presented here is mummery of William Shpereshake's " Much to do about nothing". Guesses included "Steamboat Willie", "The Passion of Joan of Arc" and "The Thief of Big Piney". A posse was formed at the Home for unwed Deputies and rushed to the scene to quell the tittering and howling. Horseplay ensued and could only be stopped by several cases of Happy Sally. This resulted in Ernie being short for the next week.
League.jpg
He did regain his normal 5'-3.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Feb 15, 2022 7:31 pm

Horse Play you say?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Feb 15, 2022 8:20 pm

Thanks Herb. That is Feindvolt Van Dugembrgerr in the Rophf Larkvonnet version of the play. Cast as the javelin chucker Al Freido he was acclaimed as "Marvelous" by the Prince himself. We see him seated happily with a glass of Chandilou de Corpuncle at bottom center in the previous photo. Many guessed he was Boatswain in the H.M.S. Pinafore.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Thu Feb 17, 2022 2:40 pm

Feindvoldt VanDugenbrgerr's manly good looks soon propelled him to stardom in the silent movie era. Moving seamlessly from his role as a javelin catching extra in Larkvonnet's "Joan of Arc-welding" (above) to the lead role of Juan Charrasquiado in Larkvonnet's epic "Blood and Sandwiches", the stirring drama of a young matador's rise to fame as a sous chef in Madrid's famed Restauran El Escorial. The cheese blintzes weren't bad either. He and Rophf became close friends and worked closely on a number of successful films. His career came to an abrupt end with the advent of "talkies" when it was discovered he spoke Dutch with a Polish accent. "Say lager", as Rophf was often wont to quip.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Feb 17, 2022 4:18 pm

There is so much to learn. I wonder if we will ever know it all.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Feb 17, 2022 10:53 pm

For a short time, there was a fad of silo tipping going on around the area.
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It looks like it didn't end well.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Feb 18, 2022 10:10 am

The sucess rate among silo-tipping crews improved once the use of small dogs for job foreman was discontinued.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Feb 18, 2022 4:00 pm

Silo T. Farnsworth had a vision of how to do that but he didn't take tips and couldn't afford to go on a crews. There wasn't a grain of truth to the rumor that his rye cents of humor won him a bran new Graham Sedan. Hominy corny stories have we heard about that?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Fri Feb 18, 2022 4:04 pm

Your silage may vary with silo tiping.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Feb 19, 2022 2:32 pm

Farnsworth favored the Hinkenflanel silos because of their unique interlocking joints, distribution of support hoops, and concrete.
Hink.jpg
Tipping could be easily accomplished by a 3 step process outlined in the "inclining storage receptacles" chapter of "Better Farms and Plantation Applicaytions"
Mary Cauprowstinken wrote the index and the benediction for it.
Of coarse nowadays this is all done by steam power.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sat Feb 19, 2022 3:23 pm

When Clem the "Cow Pro" Steinken (no relation to Mary) discovered horizontal sileage could increase butter fat by 5% in unoxidized Jersey crosses, he invested in a team of mammoth mules to assist other farmers tip loaded silos. Cuthbert asked where he could find a mammoth jackass at stud. Clem sent him to Ernie's Saloon. The clientele were not amused and threw Cuthbert out in the horse trough. Cuthbert was ever an innocent soul.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sat Feb 19, 2022 3:29 pm

I have disassembled silos like that one concrete stave at a time, carefully lowered them to the ground and used the slabs to make sidewalks and patios with. They worked great. I have also chopped a ceramic tile silo down just like a giant tree. Took a sledgehammer and made a hugh notch in the side like you would with a chainsaw in a tree and once it started cracking and popping ran like hell!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sat Feb 19, 2022 3:33 pm

One giant mule could fertilize 20 acres a week.... It was also said that Kalamity could do the same thing just by telling his stories.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Feb 19, 2022 4:32 pm

Producing giant mules was not difficult. All that was needed was a large dipping vat and enough Miracle Gro to submerge any ordinary size mule. A properly dipped mule would expand to a fine size overnight after a proper dipping. Of course, the EPA later banned the procedure on the ground that giant mules emitted too much methane. Practical-minded people pointed out that it was only necessary to avoid heading a mule into the wind while under load to avoid a methane overdose, but to no avail, there being no crat like a bureaucrat.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Feb 19, 2022 9:18 pm

I suppose I could write a book on what I don't know about giant Mules. Eubert Rilly's next door neighbor had one and he allowed Eubert to ride it on Sundays after Squamish practice. From what I hear they are quite tall.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Feb 19, 2022 11:52 pm

Rilly's nextdoor neighbor/s were the Farkle family. While not
Pythagorians themselves, they were party to some of the insider
trading that led to the giant mules. But they did not stop at mules,
and today their line of giant livestock is in great demand. Below
we see Ziptie Farkle riding bareback on a Texas Red hen, just before
the saints came marching in.
hens.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Feb 20, 2022 10:34 am

If you do decide to upsize your mule, be sure you have access to a large enough dipping vat and be sure to get your various permits in order and all fees and surcharges paid before proceeding. It's best to select a good mule for your upsizing project, since upsizing a bad mule will not correct the bad mule's issues, and will only result in you being saddled with a big bad mule, which is no little problem. Be aware that fuel consumption, even at idle, will increase, and stalls, tack, saddles, and other equipment will need to be modified to accomodate your upsized mule. Don't forget the mounting block or stepladder if you plan to ride the animal, appropriate safety gear is suggested to avoid injury in case of an unexpected dismount. Use of upsized mules for orchard work is generally discouraged by experts.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Feb 20, 2022 2:11 pm

It is precisely for the reasons you mention, that the Farkle
Family Farms shifted R&D focus to chickens for their "upsize"
program. The giant fowl easily move through any agricultural
handling situation and lack all the problems common to bad
mules. And when not in service, the owner can free range
them until needed again. It was actually suggested to Ferd
Farkle, while tipping a flask at Ernie's, by Kalamity Dick to
consider chickens as a potentially better option.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Feb 20, 2022 2:19 pm

Farming requires practical solutions, and KD's contributions to practical agricultural innovation were many, perhaps as many as those attributed to Henry Ford himself. Ziptie's antics with the hypersized fowl are said to have been the original inspiration for the "Avatar" science friction fantasy movie.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sun Feb 20, 2022 2:24 pm

And one fried egg would feed 20 patrons at Ernie's as they all sat around the table together.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Feb 20, 2022 5:08 pm

Poached, fried or scrambled too! I'd shell out for a meal like that and no chicken feed. Down the hatch and then off in the Coupe. You wouldn't have to egg me on or hen peck me.
Ernie just layed around and watched.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Feb 20, 2022 7:30 pm

I feel a purge from the Pun Police coming.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Feb 21, 2022 12:03 pm

Would the punishment fit the crime?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Mon Feb 21, 2022 3:33 pm

Ernie had a zero-tolerance policy against punning in his saloon. Punella Pinsonby, pundit for the Saddlestring Picayune was an inveterate punster who could reel off strings of related puns, and became even more voluble when in her cups. (There's an opening!). It didn't take long for her to be banned from Ernie's tap room, but his assistant barkeep, Reginald Blatherston (who was rather sweet on Punella) would set up a keg in the alley behind the saloon, dispensing flagons of local brew and shots of Happy Sally for Punella's sole benefit. Locals found her entertaining and often Reg's outside till garnered more cash than the indoor bar made of an evening. Breaking his own rules, Ernie himself had to admit it made "good cents" to have Punella around.
Photo shows Reginald serving Punella in the alleyway.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Mon Feb 21, 2022 9:02 pm

A pitcher is worth a thousand words and a barrel of fun Rich.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Feb 22, 2022 12:42 pm

J. C Whitney's cottin gin had to be started on battery but then could run all day on puns and dirty looks. Had Ernie known that he could have retired a wealthy man rather resorting to coaxing sparrows from the apple tree out back in his reclining years.
I guess that's all bridges under the water now but words to live by for the rest of us.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Feb 22, 2022 10:39 pm

Ognir Pojoli was a Guacamolean immigrant that first met Kalamity
Dick in the Tibetan monastery. Kalamity Dick was immediately drawn
to Pojoli, as he watched him service the steam system around the compound.
Pojoli was a natural, as his diminutive size allowed him to burnish the interior
fittings to a fine "Russian Blue" finish, which impressed KD mightily. Ognir
preferred dressing as a small child his whole life, telling close friends that
it allowed him to sneak extra servings from the condiment bar, and throw
wild tantrums in public without much fallout. Pojoli did all KD's pipework and
fabrication between the wars, and laughed with glee when people told
stories of the Nutmeg Incident. He kept a large collage of photos of Grunda
Fulpants and Uncle Lumby on his bedroom door.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Feb 23, 2022 8:31 am

Are you sure about that?
That looks like a cranky baby to me.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Wed Feb 23, 2022 10:44 am

Very cranky baby... do not approach it! IT WILL BITE! There is at least a pound of starch in that outfit!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Feb 23, 2022 12:57 pm

The boys from Ernie's used to roam around the town. Here is an example of them down at the train depot during one of their more sober exploits.
chugwater.JPG
They really could cause some mischief. Did you hear about the incident with the hurdy gurdy on the hand cart?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Wed Feb 23, 2022 1:02 pm

Ognir Pojoli is one of the very few of KD's contemporaries whose "provenance" is documented. Son of the famous Guacamolian arctic explorer, Wistinger Pognoli, Ognir grew up (well, not really) with every advantage. Of independent means, he traveled the world before settling down to burnish steam fitting interiors in the Basin. His wild public tantrums were notably instructive for tri-Burg children who were easily shamed.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Feb 23, 2022 3:07 pm

The old Chugwater station was known for several unsavory incidents guacamole or not. Spinehart Riggermortt is said to have buried the bulk of the Bells Cargo heist under it's foundation or possibly it's provocation. At any rate it was never recovered. Then there was the late night kidnapping of Mawrliss Larkvonnet. She too was never seen or herd from again. Sort of a substratum Bruhilda triangle as it were if you know what I mean.
The four fellows on the baggage cart are from left to right unidentified but were know by Ernie as "Those Guys". They often were the life of the party inside or in the alley with Punella and Reginald. They made life around the depot exciting until the station master ran them off.
It wouldn't happen in these times would it?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Wed Feb 23, 2022 4:33 pm

This photo shows the jolly companions after their release from jail in Silver Bow. The stationmaster had them arrested on a charge of being "those guys". Retaining counsel, their lawyer requested a change of venue, claiming they couldn't get a fair hearing in Chugwater. Judge Somnolen Benchbarter released the boys on a plea of nolo comprendere.

Left to right: Dingus Mouldbord (with horn), Hyrum "Windy" Warburton, Roger Crudebarger (looking tired - Dingus' horn playing kept him awake all night in jail before the hearing) , Willie "Weenie" Bitts, Pierre Rascaux (smiling), Ferd Voltschlagle, Jack Roycemustard and Clem Rudebough (with stick).

We are indebted to the Calhoun County District Court for preserving the record and names of the suspects for future generations to enjoy.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Feb 26, 2022 11:48 pm

Before we stray too far from the Ognir Pojoli story, At last Tuesday's meeting,
Heinrich presented a recently discovered photo of the test track that he and
Kalamity Dick built up the Chugwater in 1912. The Zmücker Ranch placed the
white fence along their frontage to draw attention away from the Pythagorians.

Ognir, and his twin brother Ringo did most the surveying and grading of the track.
Their elder brother Silvio provided bear repellant and did the soundtrack, available
on Kalamity Dick's "Vesuvius" label, with his 37 piece orchestra, many of which
were classically trained in Pythagoria before the war.

647952839.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sun Feb 27, 2022 10:17 am

Documents and photographs recently recycled through the Institute's new document amalgamator key right in with this post on the Pognoli brothers.
Silo T. Farnsworth's younger brother Phileas thoughtlessly applied silo-tipping principles to a locomotive on the Chugwater & Western line, resulting in much consternation. Of course there was no benefit for the milch-cows to be had. At last report, Phileas is considered a model prisoner, and will complete his hundred-year sentence this coming May.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sun Feb 27, 2022 10:30 am

Mating season on the railroad?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Feb 27, 2022 4:44 pm

Heinrich recently commented during an interview on KNDT,
that Phileas' undoing was the use of the alias "Milo T. Bugsworth"
while processing through the sedimentation portion of the
program. It made him a model inmate, but cost him 100 years
for the opportunitiy to prove himself as such. No nutmeg was
used during the making of film, and people said Heinrich appeared
to be "quite clean".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon Feb 28, 2022 8:42 am

Another unexplained photo found in the archives. Did this have anything to do with the milk shortage of 1909? One has to wonder at the lengths people had to go to back in those days to raise a child. Did KD invent this device? How did it work out in the long run? As a matter of fact, did KD have any children? Are there any descendants around today? Time for more research! Back to the Mason jar on Funk and Wagnell's back porch!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Mon Feb 28, 2022 9:30 am

That's a collapsible pneumatic cow. In a deflated state, hundreds could be shipped in a single box car, and many cattle producers cut overhead by using old piano crates in lieu of barns. Street urchins and even infants would often make pocket change re-inflating the cows using a rubber tube and a simple check valve made from a common marble. The cows did have a few drawbacks, being subject to puncture in brushy country, and many an early aviator reported encountering a deflating cow at altitudes of several hundred feet. The cows would blow about on the windy, open plains, which necessitated planting arboreal windrows to contain them. Many of the windrows still flourish today. Repair kits were sold in rural districts for patching punctured cows. The better kits contained both patches, a quick-drying, edible cement, and an auto-type air pump.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Mon Feb 28, 2022 9:48 am

Milk shakes for all after a big wind?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Mon Feb 28, 2022 9:51 am

Herb, KD may have had a hand in developing the inflatable cow. Bartholomew tells me facial recognition scans indicate the baby in the photo is likely KD's nephew Hennesey. A newspaper interview of Basin stockmen at the time quotes Cuthbert as being ". . . plumb again' all this inflatin' an deflatin' in the cow market. A lot o' hot air is what it is !"
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Mon Feb 28, 2022 10:03 am

KD may have been inspired by certain peculiarities of deflating inflateable cows to develop his popular novelty item, the "Whoopee Cushion".


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Mon Feb 28, 2022 3:05 pm

Much controversy surrounded KD's involvement with the item that became known as the "whoopee cushion". Initially designed as a methane collection device which KD hoped could provide fuel for the self-contained field kaphistulator, he found an avid supporter in Ignacio "Nacho" Coscorrón who dealt three card monte in Ernie's Saloon. Nacho rightly perceived that action at the card table paired with the bean-dip Ernie served at the bar provided a golden opportunity to supply an ample amount of filled collectors as a profitable side-line.

The whole scheme came undone when KDs supplier sent a shipment of defective collectors with the check-valves reversed. The result was the "whoopee cushion" familiar to pranksters ever since. Alas for Nacho, near-sighted Ephram "Devil" Blackhard took extreme offense, and shot up the saloon in an attempt to avenge his wounded pride. Thanks to his myopia Nacho escaped unharmed. When the laughter died down, "Devil" swore he'd kill the SOB who invented it, and the
B-----ds who made them. The incident corresponds with the impromptu tour of the Veedawoo taken by KD and Cuthbert. Upon their return years later, no mention was ever made again of fueling field kaphistulators. You might say the whole thing just blew over.

Photo of "Devil" Blackhard about to assault Nacho Coscorrón, courtesy of the Institute's Philpott Collection.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Mon Feb 28, 2022 4:24 pm

Some say that Dr. Werner von Braun must have been influenced by Ancient Aliens as a child. Others suggest that early exposure to the Whoopee Cushion was more likely the event that stimulated his genius mind to pursue Rocketry, regardless of the jeers of his less imaginative schoolmates. The Ancient Aliens have made no comment, at least on the record, though, speaking of records, it's rumored the aliens have a deep appreciation for Elvis's early recordings and that a complete Elvis library is maintained at Area 54 for their convenience. Elvis's audience continues to expand at the speed of light, and now extends for many light years across the Universe.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Feb 28, 2022 6:38 pm

Indecently, the day that photo was taken the cleaning lady brought her cat to Ernie's that night, where they both witnessed a ghost walking down the stairs. Word is, the cat was so terrified that it's fur was standing on end.
This has nothing to do with the Whoopee tribe who KD named the infamous hassock after. Monte himself had end the hostilities by sharing the bean dip recipe with them. The rumors of exploding Teepees were of course over blown by the press.
Previously, kaphistulators had been started on battery and run on vanadium butter as we mentioned several times at Tuesday meeting. (For those who missed them).
Thanks again for the pie.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Mar 01, 2022 10:52 pm

The Whoopees are one of many peoples that have roamed the Basin
since the dawn of time. Since European settlers arrived, the primary
tribes were the Whoopees, the Killalots, and of course, the Fred'skins,
the latter all being decendants of Fred Washington (1612-1691). Fred's
native name was isi?skwa~nunu, which Pythagorian scholars translate to
"Runs with Corndog". The Killalots were a hostile lot until the Uvula League
intervened with cherries and berries and an operatic rendition of The Farkle
Family Gets a New Puppy in 1903, and a sense of greater community pride
has been the norm ever since. That is until the Whoopees start with the
pranks and practical jokes ....
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Wed Mar 02, 2022 9:22 am

The adoption by the Whoopee of what we call civilization was not without hiccups. As commercial canned beans became widely available, not a few Whoopee teepees unexpectedly became rockets. Follwing an evening's indulgence in canned beans, goat cheese, salmon sushi slaw, and raw celery by the several occupants, it seems that emissions would accumulate in the interior of the conical shelters to the point that the firepit would ignite said fumes, impelling the entire structure and its occupants into the stratosphere. Luckily, the teepees would reach apogee, then function as parachutes, and descend gently to earth, often in remote districts far from where the flight originated. A klavern of predatory lawyers once solicited the Whoopee with the aim of ginning-up a class action lawsuit against Big Bean, but a Whoopee spokesman dismissed them, saying, "Are you kidding? This is a lot cheaper and faster than taking the train, and we don't have to hitch up the dogs!"

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Mar 05, 2022 10:02 am

This photo of Argyille Spagomontt explaining wigwam telemetry to Monte shows the intents fascination the experimenter had for it all. Goat cheese and raw celery forming the basic thrust essentials and salmon sushi slaw as the cattleist. Overcoming his stratus fear had bin one of the elephantine stumbling blocks along with a misplaced roller skate.
Monte.jpg
"Misbegotten Projectiles Bi-Monthly" had two great articles on this, one after the other as I recall.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sat Mar 05, 2022 10:29 am

Spagomontt's stratus fear stemmed largely from the feeling his bald head was exceptionally vulnerable should landings go awry when his wig-wam went aloft. Here we see Abner Toadworthy demonstrating the effectiveness of his "cranial contusion elemonater" for Spagomontt and his research assistants.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Mar 05, 2022 11:38 am

The tests were apparently held in the alley behind Ernie's. I see Reginald Blatherston's keg still set up for Punella Pinsonby's pun sessions unless I miss my guess.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sat Mar 05, 2022 12:58 pm

Right you are, Rich. There's no mistaking the clabbered construction of Ernie's establishment. Of further interest, Abner liked to train by butting heads with Cuthbert's favorite ram, Boris. The connection was made when Spagomontt was discussing cattleists and Cuthbert's name came up. Boris delighted in the practice sessions, and won 47 out of 47 matches with Abner, all by KO in the first round.

Photo of Boris on the occasion of his 33rd victory, courtesy of the Tri-Burg Wool Growers Association.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Mar 05, 2022 1:00 pm

Toadworthy was a former All-Pro noggin hurtler, ending his career
with the Saddlestring Indians in 1928. Not much is spoken of the
game today, but the Indians were national champs in 1871, 1889,
1901, and 1917. Toadworthy's professional skills proved highly useful
to the researchers.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Sat Mar 05, 2022 1:02 pm

Abner Toadworthy was never quite the same after testing Cranial Contusion Eliminator and suffered a hearing loss that almost led to tragedy when he was asked to supply the soup for the next group meeting. When ask to bring INSTANT soup he thought they said INFANT soup and was about to light the stove when Kalamity Dick arrived just in time to shut off the burners! That's Abner without his helmet.
children soup.png
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Mar 05, 2022 8:32 pm

Not an uncommon mistake in the day, many children would later learn
that they narrowly escaped becoming "part of the soup". This was not
just a Tri-Burg area thing. Although medically unproven, many say this
was why so many children were born without skin back then.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Mar 06, 2022 11:55 am

Evidently Crambler's Cream of Toddler was not as popular as hoped for. Diaper rash being blamed.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sun Mar 06, 2022 12:48 pm

Evelyn Crambler came under censure shortly after her canned soups hit grocer's shelves in the Basin. Living secluded in an ornate edible cottage deep in the woods raised all manner of suspicion when the occasional child went missing in the Tri-burg counties. The usual assumption was to blame coyotes or a prowling cougar. On the occasion of her first visit to Ernie's Saloon, the town folk became alarmed when she ordered a "hot toddler", and expressed disgust that the beverage was concocted with rum, sugar, hot water and cloves. Perhaps there was more to Evelyn than met the eye?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Mar 06, 2022 1:25 pm

Evelyn never smiled when sitting for a photograph... perhaps because of her extremely large canine teeth....

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Mar 06, 2022 2:39 pm

Gerber telegraphed this photo of Evelyn sharing samples one of her soups with the Gackermill Brothers. It might have been tail of newt strogenough.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sun Mar 06, 2022 3:53 pm

It was lucky for the Gackermill brothers they were past the "young, tender and juicy" stage of adolescence when they stumbled onto Evelyn's gingerbread house. Evelyn could sense disaster for her domicile if those kids in the "hollow leg" phase tasted her siding. She enticed them to have a bowl or two of her newt strogenough. The boys thought it was strangenough, but filling. Harveyarnold said he'd rather have fig newtons. His brother Bosworth said it reminded him of wild hickory nuts. Evelyn said they were both nuts.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Mar 06, 2022 9:41 pm

A chance check of the official records shows that all three of these
people were rejected for membership in the Uvula League.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sun Mar 06, 2022 9:44 pm

However, they were accepted by the Filtrum Forum. Fraternal organizations were very important in the early days.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Mar 07, 2022 2:44 am

At the time, there was an intense rivalry between the Filtrum Forum,
the Fulcrum Forum, and the Frustrum Cone Society, with book burnings,
shoutdowns, and occasional streetfighting. It took a sitdown with the
Uvula Union to finally settle matters, and each group was given a designated
Thursday to do their business. If it weren't for pressure applied by the
Pythagorians and the Alphabet Miners League, the three likely would have
never been brought to the negotiating table.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Mon Mar 07, 2022 10:12 am

Some researchers posit that the Filtrums may have been an offshoot of the Wobblies. The annual Filtrum conventions typically featured circular pickpocketing along with mutual criticism and browbeating sessions for the general membership followed by a dinner of no-fat milo soup. Culmination of the convention progamme was the elevation of a new Dear Leader, chosen by a committee of Experts. The Dear Leaders enjoyed a lavish lifestyle at no cost to themselves with no co-pays, but a good many of them came to a tragic end, with some being demoted to fertilizer. Others had books written about them, which was usually worse than the former.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Wed Mar 09, 2022 11:00 am

Malachi Spidroft was a well-known Tri-burg entrepreneur who purchased the first motorcycle in the Basin. Quick to apprehend the marketing possibilities in mobile service, he tried a number of for-profit schemes by providing mobile convenience to his customers. At one time or another he ran a mobile food cart and later, gasoline delivery for out-of-gas, stranded travelers. From the sign, it's difficult to tell which is the product in this photo.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Mar 09, 2022 11:22 am

Malachi was way head of his time and an inventive ontromanuer. The motor bike was an early Harley Larkvonnet which ran completely on vacuum. This was accomplished by reversing the valves and using dual surple pumps. Kalamity Dick provided the dynamo free of charge.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Mar 09, 2022 11:49 am

Little known fact:
Thats where Mobile Gas got the idea for their name.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Mar 10, 2022 10:35 am

Yes Dallas, Mobile Gas inspired several clever ideas.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Fri Mar 11, 2022 9:53 am

Plant-based "mobile gas" vehicle illuminating systems gained some popularity during the late horse & buggy era, with the readily-available gas being collected and used for lighting purposes. Popularity of the systems declined when Washington State placed a heavy tax on green apples used as animal feed...

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Mar 15, 2022 8:37 pm

It was an easy conversion for KD to make the kadasstraffer into a gas collector. Switching the filster valves from horizontal to left tither and using a clepting fan did the job perfectly. Zebulerk Zumwaldt volunteered to operate it during the even months and proved that farkling would not be a problem. Paper napkins and corndogs were furnished by Philo as well.
Gasss.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Mar 15, 2022 9:10 pm

What ever happened to Philo?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Tue Mar 15, 2022 9:16 pm

He disappeared mysteriously while vacationing at Coney Island during the summer of '21. Some say thugs from Nathan's Famous may have done him in.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Mar 16, 2022 9:38 am

Philo may have been a lot of things. But one thing Philo was not,
was a tuliphumper. Even though he was born and raised right there
at the Junction. Philo's father was Junction Superintendent for
decades, making sure the rails were aligned and the trains shunted.
This is where Philo's passion for meats on a stick was hatched, and
why the statue now stands of Philo holding a corndog to the sky right
there beside the tracks. The Coney Island experience only further
solidified his commitment to bringing meats on a stick to ALL Americans.
More people are doing it today than ever before !


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Wed Mar 16, 2022 12:02 pm

Indeed, Philo was not a tuliphumper, but his cousin Phileas was a certified tule pumper. The distinction is often lost on folks with a lisp. Though Phileas was also raised at the Junction, early in life he shunned the trains and removed himself to the remotest corners of Calhoun County.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Wed Mar 16, 2022 12:58 pm

Which came first, the corn dog, or the German mustard? Yellow mustard was quite popular after 1914 and before 1941, after which both the yellow and German varieties fell out of favor, to be replaced by Grey Poupon, teacup poodles, and monocles.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Mar 16, 2022 1:11 pm

Gustaf was mustered out early in the engagement.
Though it was commonly called a Junction the Amalgamated Denotation Bureau had designated it as a Convergence. This leads to difficulty finding it in the data base. Sliced pot roast was a favorite while waiting for the 8:15. Here we see Philo standing in front of some tuliphumping residuum.
junction.jpg
The 8:15 was often late and rumors of renaming it the 8:35 circulated at the corner office.
Quibbletomming also was discussed.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Wed Mar 16, 2022 3:22 pm

Yellow German mustard was popular in the Basin during WW I, but reports of mustard gas diminished enthusiasm for the condiment at the front as well as at home. Grey Poupon never gained any followers in the Tri-burgs. As Cuthbert was wont to say, "I don't want none o' that gray poop on my weenie !", he expressed the sentiment of nearly every one of the regulars at Ernie's Saloon.

Teacup poodles were never an item, either. The pair that Isidora Mutflad brought home from her trip back East were promptly eaten by hungry coyotes. However, the pack of stray dogs who met for a weekly poker game in Ernie's back room were tolerated by saloon patrons. As large families were the thing back then, practically no one had just one uncle.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Mar 16, 2022 5:48 pm

I had expected that the mustard gas emanated from the rear rather than the front. Excuse me.
Wasn't there a home for single uncles down behind the filtching shed?
Maybe not.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Wed Mar 16, 2022 6:16 pm

The picture of poor Philo standing by the tracks is his only way to contact his father a conductor on the train. He is holding up a paper Christmas tree he made in school to wish his father a merry Christmas because he very seldom got to spend time with him. As we all know Philo was born on the wrong side of the tracks.
1922 Coupe & 1927 Touring


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Mar 19, 2022 12:13 pm

There was the right way, the wrong way, and Philo's way. It seems he always plowed on the wrong side of the mule. He finally found his calling as a New England custom plowman, where his habit of plowing on the curve kept him in demand for plowing the hillside rock fields "on the contour".


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Mar 19, 2022 12:22 pm

Addendum: Professor E. Marlon Toadblatt issued a beer-reviewed paper in 1924 pointing out that French's Mustard is a bright, traffic yellow, and not grey at all. Rival academians took offense, issued contrary papers, and formed a united front against Toadblatt. He was summarily ejected from the Shrine the following year after being stripped of his pocket protector, paperweights, and funny hat. Little is known of his later life, though some evidence suggests that he fell into absinthe and was reduced to working as a doorstop at a seedy, downtown Los Angeles hotel.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Mar 19, 2022 1:37 pm

When interviewed by Sprockets & Industrial Smoke Weekly just
after the war, townsfolk were consistent in their assessment that
none could recall a time when Philo did not have a corndog in his
hand. Even when plowing the hillside rock fields. His celebrity was
far and wide, being voted mascot for the National Corndog Board,
speaking before the Uvula League convention on the merits of meats
on a stick, the use of nutmeg, and the dedication of the new south
wing of the Institute. An accomplished participant in the use of
Happy Sally for inspiration and philosophy, he was a celebrated friend
of both Cuthbert Maddox and Kalamity Dick.
More people are doing it today than ever before !


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Mar 19, 2022 4:08 pm

A pinch of nutmeg does add nuance to corn dog batter.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Mar 19, 2022 6:55 pm

Of course, it was the aforementioned nuance that led to
the infamous Nutmeg Incident. Carl Schörnberg was there,
and later told Ferndip Wallace, of the Saddlestring Hosepuller's
Daily, that it came on like a sneeze, .... sort of tingling, pain,
and burning, and then he found himself covered in a thick, viscous
fluid.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sat Mar 19, 2022 7:56 pm

Loyal readers of these boards will note that up to now, details of the nutmeg incident have been repressed so as to spare the delicate sensibilities of those who did not actually witness the debacle. After all, viscous liquids rarely appeal to a majority of the population, then, or now. Please don't let the modestly tasteful addition of a hint of nutmeg spoil your enjoyment of an occasional corndog, if not for your own sakes, at least in reverent memory of Philo.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sat Mar 19, 2022 9:19 pm

Let us remember that in the days before the corn dog, state fair goers had to make do with boiled spinach, head cheese, and Moxie.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Sun Mar 20, 2022 11:22 am

Many have asked how the Uvula League board of directors managed to escape from "ground zero" during the nutmeg incident. Thanks go to Kalamity Dick who quickly engineered this protective gear for Cuthbert's horse Hyperion. Hitched to Cuthbert's hay rack, Hyperion pulled a full load of semi-conscious Uvulites to high ground and safety before the second swarm erupted.

Plans to erect a bronze statue of Hyperion to commemorate his heroism were delayed indefinitely when Uvula League Headquarters needed a new septic system.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Mar 20, 2022 6:29 pm

It might be added that our rather tainted media these days continues
to suppress the story that the Uvulan need for a new septic system
remains as such, on account of Pythagorian collusion at the highest
levels. A 02 May, 1937 copy of the Chugwater Swindle Monitor reports
that 3 Pyths were found behind the Farkle family barn on the Upper
Terrace, covered in a thick, viscous fluid as well, after a loud explosion
was heard. It was brushed off as being just another isolated and unrelated
incident. Coincidence ? I think not ! And neither did Cuthbert.
More people are doing it today than ever before !


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Sun Mar 20, 2022 7:51 pm

Gases accumulated at the glue factory ... an errant spark .... huge eruption of mucilage... animals trapped.... crops glued to fields ... but no mosquitos for several years afterward. A bargain, some said.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Wed Mar 23, 2022 11:37 am

Heinrich reported a bequest to the Institute's archives of a trunkful of documents from the Rowerbazzle Estate. Within was the personal diary of Miss Ludmilla Rowerbazzle. Perusing the entries, we learn that Ludmilla carried on a very discreet romance with Kalamity Dick in the early "oughts".

Kept in strict seclusion on their remote ranch by her widowed father Wolfgang, Cuthbert would send her his horse Hyperion, guided by his dog Buck, thus enabling Ludmilla to meet KD at Miss Penelope's Tea Room occasionally. Delivering the horse, Buck would trot on home. On her return, Ludmilla simply turned Hyperion loose, and he would head home to Cuthbert's ranch. Note the side-saddle.

Sadly, the romance was short-lived owing to KD's being extremely allergic to horses.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Mar 23, 2022 1:51 pm

If that was the case they did keep the coquetry inconspicuous. There seems to be no known photos of them together. However Maynard did submit this one of KD and Cuthbert planning the preparations on that very same vestibule. Ludmilla was indeed quite fetching and the attraction would have been difficult to resist even for a hardened mastermind as Kalamity Dick. "All inventing and no razzle-dazzle make Richard a dull celebrity".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Wed Mar 23, 2022 2:39 pm

Buck was also Cuthbert's designated driver on his many trips home from Ernie's place.
Designated driver.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Wed Mar 23, 2022 6:14 pm

Everyone loves a love story. Maynard, Bartholomew and Heinrich as well have been scouring the archives in the hope of locating a photograph of KD and Ludmilla together. So far, the search has only yielded this image of Miss Penelope in the garden annex to her popular tea rooms. Perhaps Ludmilla's choice of a trysting place was influenced by the fact that although Miss Penelope's Tea Room was considered a high-toned establishment entirely suitable for single young ladies to visit, Miss P. was also an accomplished mixologist whose Happy Sally cocktails were often favored by her gentlemen patrons.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich P. Bingham » Wed Mar 23, 2022 8:22 pm

perry kete wrote:
Wed Mar 23, 2022 2:39 pm
Buck was also Cuthbert's designated driver on his many trips home from Ernie's place.
Absolutely true, Dennis. Cuthbert had a very special connection with his animals. He took exceptional care of all his livestock, and they, in turn, took very good care of him. While embarrassing for Cuthbert, the photo you posted proves this out. That image has been widely circulated in recent years, much to the chagrin of the Maddox heirs. We're pretty sure Cuthbert himself would have either slept it off, or barring that, laughed it off. He was an unabashed admirerer of Happy Sally.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Mar 24, 2022 12:59 am

To the casual researcher, it might be easy to overlook the not
infrequent mention in contemporary periodicals that Miss Penelope
could pack a wallop. During the Wallop Boom, no Tri-Burg area
man or woman could pack them as fast or such volume as Miss
Penelope. The Chugwater & Northern Ry. even laid a spur to her
shed, by the tea gardens, where she might ship 3 cars a week to
eager buyers in all major cities.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Mar 24, 2022 7:30 am

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Lookouts waiting for the new phonebooks to come in?

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