OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Mar 25, 2021 6:52 pm

Interestingly enough, Ma Hoopstring had cooked diners for Oliver and Wilbur Wright during the harmonization stages. She often made suggestions on rise and yank coefficients. She had traded wing tips for the down payment on the home.
Hoopstring.jpg
Fergler gave her quite the discount on nails during renovations. "D"'s were always a favorite with KD. As a child he would turn them on their sides and get them rocking. It was long before Lincoln logs and snap hoops.
Agnass Flogglogger and the Filstner twins were there same time as Rosemary. Shenanigan's Galore!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Mar 27, 2021 11:10 pm

With news of the heavy rains and wind expected for Sunday, Heinrich
came by in the surrey to farkle through the trunk of values today while
I screened rock out of the area of lawn that struggles to stay green. With
much excitement, he shouted from the attic that he had found an important
photo that tied in with the rocket program than KD headed for the War
Department. Not many photos are known, as it was a Top Secret project.

KDrockets1.jpg

Hiding in plain sight behind the T.F. Howard News Depot & Cigar Store, it
appears the War Department had set Kalamity Dick with a twin silo launch
facility, anchored on each end of the Vestibule Factory. The Pispacattiquauttimawken
Bridge made direct access to the harbor and moss supplies steady and econnomical.
Buff Pucker's Bay mare waits in quiet repose as the Pucker team unloads
cobble for the bridge repaving. The heavy wagons bringing news and cigars
to the depot had worn the bridge deck down to a dangerous state, and the
War Dept. insisted on a new surface before the Regatta brought the throngs
of patrons to the area, citing both safety and appearance concerns.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Mar 28, 2021 6:27 pm

Regatta throngs were thrilled when General Douglas McWormser walked ashore
with his entourage to light the torch at the foot of Pispacattiquauttimawken Ave.,
deliver the opening ceremony speech, and call for more self-adhesive envelopes.
As the attention of the crowd turned to the unicycle jousting event, the military
brass slipped away to inspect the rocket laboratory seen above. Each member
left Chugwater with a goat as a parting gift.

KDMcWormser1.jpg

McWormser seems oblivious to the flames before him, but Chief of Staff Yuletide
Pomegranate has his eye on the situation. No mention is made in the final report,
so Heinrich believes that nothing came of it. Viewers will remember that it was
McWormser that landed the expeditionary force on the Upper Terrace and routed
the evildoers that brought about the Nutmeg Incident.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Mar 29, 2021 12:27 pm

McWormser expressed his thanks to Kalamity Dick for much of the equipment and paraphernalia he contributed to the cause.
His staff car is on display at the Institute's General Transportation Annex.
PckrdSrt.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Mar 29, 2021 12:54 pm

I believe that's the custom cabriolet, experimental in-line twelve cylinder Packard after its collision with the Bugatti Royale. The elephant eloped with the flying lady. See prior posts in this thread on circus personalities for more information.

Annie Xochimilco was General Wormser's personal driver. The transportation annex was named after her. After unicycle jousting was outlawed, Wormser was demoted to Brevet Lieutenant Colonel. Confused as to whether he should be addressed as "Lieutenant" or "Colonel", and refusing to change from wearing boxers, Wormser retained his prior form of address by developing a potent vermifuge marketed as "Wormser's General Wormer". Pleasant-tasting and only 40% alcohol by volume, it was popular in Ernie's Saloon with a beer chaser. This was so especially after the Nutmeg Incident resulted in a plague of mace maggots that last springtime.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Mar 30, 2021 11:15 am

Life is a Cabriolet Old Chum. At one point McWormser was promoted from Lieutenant to Lieuelevenant according to Victor Borge.
40% by volume can yield up to 52.6 Mpg if not more or less and a pacific gravity of a similar dentistry.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Mar 30, 2021 1:25 pm

Rocket project Chief Chemist and program spokeperson was none other than
Annie Xochimilco's college roomate, Amanda "Rockets" Reckonwith. Amanda
was recruited to the program after exhibiting exceptional skill and understanding
in War Science and tactics during her freshman year, and rapidly rose through
the ranks, using her 200+ IQ and outstanding leadership skills. Seen here as a
Major General, she was made Project Manager, overseeing the administration of
the entire program and its 400+ staff. Kalamity Dick worked closely with the
MajGen and was quite smitten with her natural ability to theorize into 5th
dimensional logic and application.

KDrockets2.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Wed Mar 31, 2021 12:09 pm

You can tell she's a brainy gal...
When in trouble, do not fear, blame the second engineer ! 8-)
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Mar 31, 2021 4:27 pm

An excellent observation, Leo. In a similar vein, Cuthbert had a Jersey milk cow who could count to 100 and solve simple mathematics problems. When dealing with calculations on the ranch, such as how much barbed wire would be needed to cross-fence a section, or the amount of seed required to plant a given acreage in alfalfa, Cuthbert would always consult with his cow (whose name was Marigold) as it obviated the need for his taking off his boots in order to count past ten.

Kalamity Dick became intrigued by Marigold's mathematical skills, and for a while delved quite deeply into bovine intelligence until it became apparent he was lactose intolerant. In spite of this handicap, he continued to document comparisons with Marigold and neighboring Guernseys and Holsteins, a study that eventually brought him into very close contact with General Reckonwith. He would often fondlely recall this segment of his career in later years.

For reasons known only to herself, General Reckonwith was obsessed with researching all correlation between mammary capacity and higher intelligence. Ultimately devoting herself to the study full-time, circumstances found her in Bali, where informal accommodations were elastic enough to support her ample data.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Apr 01, 2021 1:10 am

General Reckonwith remained close to General McWormser even after both retired
from active duty. General Reckonwith's Bali research station was an inviting getaway
for McWormser during the cold months, but while McWormser indulged himself with an
actual retirement, Reckonwith worked on her various research projects until her death,
particularly on the weaponization of select body parts to melt the brains of the enemy.
While the weapon's effectiveness proved reliable and devastating, the delivery systems
remained difficult in open combat.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Apr 02, 2021 3:14 am

Heinrich, intrigued by General Reckonwith's data curves, dug into the
trunk of values and found this photo of work being done in the research
lab in 1927.

KDstudio1.jpg
KDstudio1.jpg (78.85 KiB) Viewed 34866 times

In a related photo, we see the construction team hauling one of the test
rocket sections to the launch pad, where it will be assembled and fitted
with test equipment. The Pucker Wheelwright Co. built the special wagons
for these hauls, and Cuthbert handled the drays, as seen here with his high
speed goggles.

KDrockets2.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Apr 03, 2021 10:19 am

The rocket assembly team included Gilbert Larkvonnet and the Klampsmith twins. Parts were glued together with a mucilaginous salina developed by KD at the cusping plant and spring clamps.
Gilbert.jpg
Gilbert had previously been occupied at the Marina.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:06 pm

Another photo of the rocket assembly team. Gilbert Larkvonnet
and the twins can be seen here with their masks on. The Mace
Maggot plague was the reason for the masks, as themaggots emit a
horrendous stench when off-gassing, and the team found the smell
distracting, even if it was pleasantly sporting.

KDmasks1.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Apr 04, 2021 3:12 pm

I would think that Mace Maggots sort of defeat the whole purpose. Cushioning the blow and perhaps soothing the injury.
McMgtzz.jpg
I don't recall the odor. Perhaps it was overpowered by the limburger.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Apr 04, 2021 3:24 pm

I believe the "mace" being referred to was the kind they now put
in a spray for self-defense. Hence the masks. When the Mace Maggot
plague swept the area, the ball-and-chain mace weapon had yet to
gain the popularity it enjoys today. Looks like it will be Baylor against
Gonzaga for the team mace fighting championship this year.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Apr 04, 2021 3:57 pm

Just slightly changing the subject, this photo sifted to the top layer of the trunk of values during last week's windstorm. Bartholomew is certain it's KD in the first version of his famous raceabout. Without his signature top hat we can't be certain, but it's been well documented on these boards that early on he adopted a flat cap when driving at speed. The scene is the Huddlestone race track, 1917 in the lull between the Chugwater Derby and the Bemount Stakes.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Apr 04, 2021 4:55 pm

It most certainly is one of Kalamity Dicks early race cars. The high
mounted single headlight garnered the car the nickname "The Cyclops",
and the low radiator/high cowl combo only added to the look. The
former was for dealing with the mace maggot issue during night races,
and the latter was just a fashion statement, ... although Pepper Poonzipper
wrote in Hair and Organs magazine that Kalamity Dick was experimenting
with drag and wind resistance, using the unused A adit at the Alphabet
Mine as a wind tunnel test facility. The mine's kaphistulator provided
ample wind volume when the hootenannies were shifted to the east side
intake shaft. Heinrich is looking for a photo of KD in drag.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Apr 04, 2021 5:28 pm

Various forms were noted in the perfection of the Raceabout. I find it delightful that the last metamorphosis is currently coming to auction in Montana soon.
I'm not sure any of the versions included a windshield.
Rich
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Apr 04, 2021 5:53 pm

The windshield was present during the mace maggot plague, for obvious
reasons, but disappeared when that subsided. KD was not adverse to having
"bugs in his teeth", but the mace maggots were an entirely different issue.

I too saw KD's final iteration coming up for auction, and was going to write
to you backchannel to confirm. You beat me to it ! 👍
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Apr 05, 2021 10:51 am

The spotlight was essential for spotting Quibbles at night. Here we see later versions at the hunting camp (on our left) and the present day version. High speed running has necessitated the removal of said illuminator.
rnaboot.jpg
Hootenanny deflector and spiroflagon have also been removed.
Oh yes, Top hats were optional but chin straps often added.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Apr 06, 2021 1:40 am

At last Tuesday's meeting, Heinrich was speaking about the Quibble
Catastrophe. He said that in 1913, Armbruster Dinksmelter was waxing
the overhead caternary in the K-Adit at the Alphabet mine, when the
support, driven into the overhead rock, came loose, opening a cavern
above that held 1000's of quibbles. Naturally, the quibbles broke for the
light at the end of the tunnel and escaped. 100+ years later, quibbles
are both a tourist draw and an annoyance to Chugwater natives, and
"Dinksmelter" is a term commonly associated stote smoking and dolphin
polish application.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Apr 06, 2021 4:59 pm

Milksky Flanrodd always protested the serenading of the Quibbles during the moss welching season. He claimed it made them too complacent and even surly.
Zooooo.jpg
Having come from where they did certainly entitled them to their dispositions but the locals deserved their platitudes as well. The Chronikel was of coarse on their side. Don't get me started. I'm still a little peeved over it.
Some proposed moving the Alphabet mine for that very reason but reading between the lines you can unmistakably see why.
SKRUD!

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Apr 06, 2021 5:47 pm

Simoniz was THE wax choice of any Tri-Burg area brass or woodwind player
worth his salt in those days. Not only for the smooth delivery of notes, but
it was good for the complexion too. I suspect the latter was Milksky's reason
for protest. At any rate, the quibbles liked the Souza marches and jazz, making
for much easier containment and fewer injuries to both public and staff, alike.

Grunda's Daughter Lucretia often showed up with flowers in hair to provide the
necessary dance and cleanup after the waxing.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Apr 08, 2021 2:31 pm

One of the more beguiling parts of the Simoniz story is the acquiring of it's name. It was, of course, Simon Van Briggle who developed the tallow for his oboe. As a child he was nicknamed "Simon-Eyes" referring to his peepers by his classmates. The alias stuck into his adult years. The highschool yearbook even predicted him to be "Most likely to develop a Wax".
Simon.jpg
Coincidentally to our present exchange the original formula included Quibble scraps, Elm droppings and essential oils.
Aldo Van Pinksberg penned a number of sketches for the initial container logo.
Just another fruitful episode of the triple-berg-valley.

The Instrument grade WAS a favorite.
Simonnn.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Apr 08, 2021 9:39 pm

Outstanding photo documentation there, Rich ! I wish I had your
talents, that way.

Simon did cut a striking appearance. Some say, from any angle. But he was
true to his own words, and never ate blue food. The Simoniz line of waxes
included all keys, including major, minor, and diminished. Noted skin flutist
Torval Funknard could cover 4 full octaves using the Simoniz Instrument Grade
wax in A sharp, major, and often did so to the delight of assembled crowds.
The full range of notes in the wax offering could not have been possible without
the research done by General Reckonwith.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 10, 2021 12:08 am

Heinrich showed this photo around at the Tuesday night meeting
of Simon Van Briggle after he had his head amputated to prevent
the spread of Wombat's Disease. While it complicated reading of
unfamiliar music while playing the oboe, Simon told Hair & Organs
Magazine that he otherwise felt no ill effects, and the decision was
one of the best he ever made.

KDeyes1.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Apr 10, 2021 10:36 am

The second best seller was ceiling wax. Blue food was thought to be a myth from the 17th century but many still don't eat it. After the head amputation Van Briggle teamed up with Table Top Joe, the man without a body. He "had trouble with the pedals But ... had a strong left hand And ... could play Stravinsky on a baby grand" according to Tom Waits.
The piano wax was doubly fortified with essential oils.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 10, 2021 1:51 pm

Essential oils are an oft-overlooked part of the Chugwater historical
narrative. As early as 1863, pioneers were harvesting the oils from the
deep lake oil sponges. Here we see Bung Chugwater and his diving crew
at the shore, after a day of diving. The sponges were originally just squeezed
of excess oil and placed back amongst the lake bottom sediments, but
later technology applied Kalamity Dick's kaphistulator reversed vacuum
modulator to extract more oil with less disturbance of the sponges. This
was both a positive economy, and left the sponge habitat unmolested.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Apr 11, 2021 6:13 pm

Yes, even with the additional oil it was essentially the same. Some of that sediment has washed up on the beach if the photo is accurate. You may recognize Chatsworth Lake standing next to the fellow wearing the top had. It was his great great grandfather that Chugwater Lake was named for.
One caution on reversing the vacuum, be sure to switch it back after completion.
More Later.
Rich

My how handsome they all look. :)
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Apr 11, 2021 11:54 pm

Before the coming of the automobile, when one heard the word "oil",
it meant "essential oil/s", and not the current meaning. Chugwater's
big oil boom came before the automobile, and is still strong today. The
harvest practice has not changed much in the last 120 years, with divers
and hand processing being the norm. Early on, management realized the
need to stay in shape and present handsomely, and it was mandatory for
all divers to follow a strict workout regimen. Several spas sprang up to
accomodate, including Steve's, on Funkbunkler Street. Photo E8 shows
diver Feenitz Oglethorp working out on the Zumwaldt Bench. The observant
viewer will note our Kalamity Dick's woodling mendator was used as the
evunculation unit.

Chugwater's first big league team was the Oilers. We see the Oilers' head
office to the right of Steve's Spa. The divers brawny hands made them natural
champions at duck squeezing, the Oilers being league champs 17 times in the
first 30 years.

KDstevesspa.jpg
KDbench1.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Apr 12, 2021 3:52 pm

The fascinating aspect of all this was that the oil was essential to Kalamity Dick's Tri-figual kaspifluke. The meshing required ultra-slippery service to function at the mock momentum range.
OyleOfis.jpg
While Dick was not affiliated with the league itself, several of the team members were employed as Master Squeezers. Therefore Dick supported both Steve's and the head office with his time and embellishments.
Note the wagglings in the belfry.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Scott_Conger » Wed Apr 14, 2021 5:57 pm

Don Popiel, Ron Popiel's grandfather experimented briefly with replacing the cow catcher with a cow-processor. Results were spectacular, though not particularly profitable as it was months on end before the next cow found wearing high heels was suitably positioned for processing.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Apr 14, 2021 6:11 pm

Interestingly, Steve's Spa evolved from his father's enterprise in the same location. Unable to settle on a particular line of goods and services, his emporium became known for the availability of practically anything a person could want. Around the tri-burgs, the word was, "you can get it from Steve's Pa". The transition seemed logical to Steve when he inherited the business.

An aside, Hairriet Klamitboffer (no relation to KD) rented the belfry next door for a number of years. Neither a fan of the league, nor adept at duck-squeezing herself, she rarely went out, being afflicted with exceptionally dry hair, a condition that was aggravated by ambient static electricity generated by the tri-figual kaspifluke. The portrait below shows Hairriet on one if her rare "good hair" days. Wax may have helped.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Apr 14, 2021 9:01 pm

It was a sad day indeed, when Harriet passed away, and it was discovered that
she had the answer to all her hair problems right there in her blouse. The ample
endowment of bosom wax would have handily tamed that unruly thatch of hers, ...
and to think that all the time, .... it was right there at her fingertips !

She never "connected the dots", as they say in the dot business. So sad.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:33 am

I never knew Dot had a 'business', Hairriet would have been right at home there, what with her waxy bossom and all.
It continues to amaze me what history is reveiled here by the Institution, learn something every day!
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:42 pm

Learned scholars, thus are we. It has been an honor to be welcomed
into this august body, for as much as I might bring to the light, I am
forever learning and expanding my own understanding. We owe so
much to those toiling in the real work of archive study and research.

The dot business is tightly intertwined with the research wing of the
Institute. Without wholesale access to dots, nothing would get done.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Apr 16, 2021 9:15 am

"Dot's right !" -Heinrich
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Apr 16, 2021 1:50 pm

Few can still remember before the introduction of dots to mark the spot. Spots were used in their stead and often confused with smudges or blotches. It can readily be seen that the dot has a clean edge reducing drag and wind resistance. The pleasing appearance also is an benefit. I think it was Sizzmonsky who boasted "Perceive it as if it were just a square with the corners removed. No harm can come form that". Many may still baulk, even some Pythagoreans but time will prove them ever present.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Apr 16, 2021 5:59 pm

Wendell "Fingers" Padislav, interim president of the Chugwater Pythagorean Society (February 16-29th, 1912) vigorously opposed dots, insisting that equilateral triangles be used instead. Successful in convincing the county commissioners to pass an exclusive "triangles only" resolution, the ordinance was revoked when spotters using triangles pricked so many of their favorite fingers on the sharp points, causing a county-wide band-aid shortage. The return to using dots was appreciated by suppliers and spotters alike.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Apr 16, 2021 11:26 pm

It was right after the return to using dots referenced above, that the Helix
Mill opened up the Circular Wing and began milling the corners off the squares
and triangles, and the occasional hex and other symmetrical multipoint forms,
although the latter were rare in raw ore form. The assymetrical forms, like
rectangles and ovals were too time consuming to set up for trimming, and often
damaged the machines. This is why the huge tailings pile on Spuzzum Creek is
there. Circular Wing management has always hoped that technology will someday
allow them to turn that hillside dump into valuable product.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Apr 17, 2021 9:55 am

Tragedy struck when little Alisha Turnwhickle accidently fell into the tailings pile on Spuzzum Creek. Scrapes and abrasions cover much of the child and except for the Gilderfluke Ligature-o-matic she would have suffered certain death.
alisha.jpg
Here we see her a number of days after her Birthday admiring the effervescent "Sally". I believe this is Bartholomew Street before the Nutmeg Incident.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sat Apr 17, 2021 12:09 pm

Spot on with the location and the date Rich. This photo is a veritable treasure trove for the excellent view of the Bartholomew Street billboard display. One can see the beautiful illustrations and lettering created by Aldo VanPinksberg for a number of the tri-burg's popular products and establishments.

Forced to support his lifestyle through commercial art and sign-painting, VanPinksberg assumed the alias "Joe Wino, the wall-dog" to protect the integrity of his standing as a fine arts painter of lofty subjects. The huge sign painted on the brick wall in the background was painted by him in less than a day with the aid of KD's patented sky-hook. Perhaps his most famous line is quoted liberally to this day without credit: "Fine art is like crime. It doesn't pay."

Incidentally, effervescent Happy Sally was a short-lived fad, as the bottled product went flat almost immediately upon opening. Those who enjoyed the mix preferred to use seltzer bottles anyway.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 17, 2021 3:52 pm

During the teens and twenties, Wino Joe became quite a social sensation,
with the popular phrase perverting his name into a statement. It was common
to hear people say "Why no, Joe !" in conversation all over the Tri-Burgs. Demand
for his work never waned. Even Joe used a lot of dots.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Apr 17, 2021 9:24 pm

VanPinksberg took great pride in saying "I know Joe" and "the Wino Joe I know" They shared a tent while working the claxberry infestation before either became famous. One night a heavy rain floated them down to Tinklers Town. Neither woke up until the whistle sounded.
What a surprise that must have been. Two other tents passed them in the night.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 17, 2021 9:32 pm

Wartsburg wrote about this !

"The dogs may bark, but the caravan shall pass"
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Apr 21, 2021 12:07 pm

Despite her best efforts, while she was watching the caravan pass and not even paying that much attention to the barking, Ma Pucker had a fresh pot of dots frying on the range. While a "Watched Pot Seldom Explodes" a neglected one is likely too.
DotzKchn.jpg
These had been promised to Joe and set the Festivity back nearly two hours. No telling what a catastrophe might have taken place if "corners" had been involved.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Apr 21, 2021 2:58 pm

Ma can scarcely be blamed for the explosion, or for being inattentive. Certainly she deserved a moment's respite while the caravan passed (it's well worth watching, believe me !) . Examining the photograph, one can easily see the stove was either cold, or cooling down. The firebox door is open, no doubt to improve the draft, and both ovens are open as well, showing them to be filled with very wet or possibly green wood and kindling, a common technique used to dry them enough to burn. It's highly doubtful the fire would ever have been hot enough to cause the kettle of dots to explode.

This would not be the only instance of a spontaneous explosion of dots while processing. A similar debacle occurred in Maude Larkvonnet's Midway Kitchen and Brothel not three months later. Caught in flagrante delecto as exploding dots filled the building, Medicine Bow's mayor and two councilmen later claimed to their indignant spouses that they had all contracted a case of 12 hour measles from the privy behind the City Building. The ensuing scandal doubtless precipitated the infamous Nutmeg Incident.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Apr 21, 2021 9:24 pm

Dots funny!

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Apr 22, 2021 11:50 am

Well, Minnie was not that forgiving. She whipped some vile profanities on Ma and left the kitchen in a Huff.
Minnie.jpg
Down the road the Huff incurred a flat tire which mortified the young lady even further. Two gentlemen stopped to help but began snickering and, red faced, she hurled scads of dots their way. Some still wet and sticky.
Thank goodness my day is going better than that.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Apr 22, 2021 3:01 pm

Ironically, Minnie's flat tire was caused by a triangle that had fallen out of Wendell Padislav's tourabout as he was carting off the last bushel of triangles after the commissioners had banned them. So often it is that some road hazards can lie in wait, sometimes for years before putting a hapless traveler "on the spot", so to speak.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Thu Apr 22, 2021 6:19 pm

The great dot incident will soon be forgotten when the increased production of Happy Sally meets the demand to quench the thirsty regatta arrivals this summer

Happy Sally.jpg
1922 Coupe & 1927 Touring


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Apr 22, 2021 8:24 pm

A fine view of the Happy Sally production line. Thanks for that, Perry. A curious fact is the distillery only employed ladies named Sally. Caused a bit of confusion at times, however.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Apr 23, 2021 1:14 pm

Yes, Thanks Perry. I had forgotten how fetching Sally Larkvonnet looked in her toque blanche. You may remember that she dated Hobbelink Maddox for a couple of years. Here is a photo of her wearing that hat at the Prom.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Apr 23, 2021 3:50 pm

Prestwich "Hobbelink" Maddox was Cuthbert's nephew. To say the lad was a little "slow" is a great kindness. How he came by the sobriquet "Hobbelink" is perhaps illustrative:

Cuthbert's cousin Radford prevailed upon him to take Hobbelink on as ranch help for a season in the hope that fresh air and rugged outdoor work might develop a bit of common sense in his youngest son. All seemed to be going well, Cuthbert gave him the now aging and much-gentled zebra dun mule to ride as Hobbelink went about his job of riding the fences and making repairs.

After a while, Hobbelink complained that when he got down to mend fence, the mule was wont to begin straying further and further while he was occupied. Cuthbert advised him to hobble the mule, overlooking the fact the lad was unfamiliar with the procedure. Next morning hobbelink went to the barn looking for hobbles. When Sally Larkvonnet (who was milking for Cuthbert at that time) asked him what he was looking for, she helpfully produced a set of the chain hobbles sometimes placed on the hocks of uncooperative milk cows.

Hobbelink went about his business and when he got down to re-string some fence wire, attempted to put the device on the mule. The zebra dun, surprised by the unfamiliar gadget, and more than a little offended by Hobbelink's clumsy attempts to install it, gave a powerful kick with both hind legs, splitting the center link which somehow became forced into the septum of Hobbelink's nose as the rest of it went flying into the brush.

With no means at the ranch to surgically remove the "hobble link" from his nose, Prestwich wore it through the summer, becoming accustomed to the unusual bit of jewelry, as well as to being called Hobbelink by the ranch crew. To the good, later on he did learn that one hobbles horses and mules by their front legs, and better with an old gunnysack or cotton rope - certainly never with cow hobbles linked with chain.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Fri Apr 23, 2021 7:16 pm

I never knew that!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Apr 24, 2021 12:08 am

It was from this experience that Hobbelink was inspired to perfect his
own method. Many said that no one could talk the hind leg off a mule
like Hobbelink, and nothing hobbled a mule like a missing hind leg.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sat Apr 24, 2021 7:44 pm

Curiously, Hobbelink chose not to have the link of chain removed from his nose. This resulted in a sort of mechanically induced speech impediment. Even more curious, when he would begin a non-stop soliloquy in the presence of a mule, the animal would invariably fall into a deep, hypnotic sleep. This earned him considerable fame in the basin as "Hobbelink the Mule Mumbler". Years later, a rough outline of his experiences was adapted for a major motion picture starring Robert Redford. Although much altered in content and detail, the movie had a similar soporific effect on most audiences.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Apr 25, 2021 11:13 am

Mule mumbling is still a big drawing event at the Regatta. Starting with
Cuthbert's zebra dun, KD was drawn in for sentimental reasons, and worked
directly with Hobbelink to perfect the method. Using transelectroconsphobulation
spectrometer theory, he built the headwire set we see at all the mule mumbling
training centers today. This early unit was gifted to the Institute by Karl Kasual,
when he retired from Karl's Casual Mule Mumbling School, on Bean Street. The
new owner bought the updated model with the P-pad and circular whistles.

At the Tuesday meeting in December, Heinrich said he believed the photo
captures a moustache-less Buff Pucker in the chair (Buff's pouty lips are the
giveaway) and Enid Scratchwhumper setting the electrodes. This would have
been about 1922.

KDwirehead.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Apr 25, 2021 11:42 am

Master Mumbler Martin Moldenhuth was quoted as saying "Mrble wabble bibble madder" and I can certainly agree with that.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Apr 26, 2021 2:31 am

Wartsburg wrote about this too, saying Moldenhuth was quoted this,
just before the big game. Heinrich is checking the credits now.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Apr 26, 2021 10:56 am

I believe the score was 61 to 7.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Apr 26, 2021 1:57 pm

"3M Corporation" meant something entirely different in the Tri-burgs in the early days. Martin Moldenhuth capitalized on his status as a Master Mumbler, establishing mumbling academies in the tri-burg towns. "3M" stood for "Master Mumbler Moldenhuth". Students paid high tuition fees to learn the secrets of effective mumbling, and for a short time, Moldenhuth became quite wealthy. His system of instruction collapsed eventually as wave after wave of eager students found it was impossible to understand their instructors.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Apr 26, 2021 2:57 pm

Martin taught his courses at the dinner taking in pocket change for meals served while lecturing. He would extend the session until every student had ordered.
Mumblezz.jpg
The better ones never knew what they were going to be served as Martin couldn't understand their order.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Apr 26, 2021 5:05 pm

Sebastian informs me that's old "Lemon-belly" Hermandollar standing by the diner on Forty-rod Road. An interesting character, he worked slaking chalk from the talings at the punctuation adit of the Alphabet Mine. He would stand around the diner "pan-handling" for dimes, annoying the customers, but he was able to sell a fair amount of chalk to Martin Moldenhuth who needed it to diagram sentences for his mumbling classes. Lemon-belly was reported to have had millions when he died, but no one seems to know for sure, millions of what ??
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Apr 27, 2021 2:35 am

Millions of punctuation, of course. That stuff was quite the
going commodity in those days !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Apr 30, 2021 4:59 pm

My research says that old Lemon-belly gave music lessons to some of the kids on Frostberry St. in exchange for chalk which they liberated from the classroom. At right is the wall they tore down and found the millions after he died.
LmnBlly.jpg
He had learned to mumble on his own and added some color to Moldenhuth's lectures.
Self made mumblers were far and few between after the nutmeg incident.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat May 01, 2021 12:22 am

The Mumblers Museum and Hall of Fame in Saddle String has quite
an exhibit on mainstream "schooled" mumblers and those who were
self-taught. They even have a nice assortment of punctuation that
was saved from the scavenging trophy hunters when the wall stash
was discovered.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat May 01, 2021 1:56 pm

Imaging little Johnny Flippenstaupher's surprise when the Quin valve blew out while playing Beethoven's 5th and the flood came forth from the wall.
PunchWall.jpg
And that was only the beginning as they say.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sat May 01, 2021 8:21 pm

It was at the height of interest in advanced mumbling that KD devised the following formula for the improved flackerpoth:

Mnuflb (bnxt) = 2(thrppt X lmnft)

He made it look easy, but years later, the secret was lost when mumbling had become passe. Of minor interest, the formula translates to "Get your goats out of my cheese." In Welsh.
"Get a horse !"


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun May 02, 2021 2:44 pm

Welsh translation is difficult, at best. Particularly if Happy Sally
has any part in the work. As an example, "cheese" can be translated
as government handouts, a dairy byproduct, a movie or joke of "bad
form", and a painful rectal itch, often associated with the sound made
by bagpipes. Karl Kasual performed excellent Welsh translation using
4-tub bathing process at his booth on Funkbunkler Street. Many area
residents depended on his services.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon May 03, 2021 8:27 am

Here is an obscure bit of information, little known by researchers of the Tri-Burg saga.
Did you know that Moe Howard was, for a short time an intern at the local hospital?
Moe Howard younger days.JPG


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Mon May 03, 2021 11:39 am

The "Hangnail Incedent" was famous in the ER for years. Over the years they phased out the crow bar in the ER but retain the hammer to this day.

The dentist can still be seen in the Crow Bar down the street from Earnies after its remoal from the hospitol.
Thank you Herb for the photo.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue May 04, 2021 11:39 am

The patterned border around the wall indicates that is room #2. Dr. Moe was one of the flounders of the hospital and later became a brain sturgeon. Dr. Phillips, screw driver in hand and flowered dress, was noted to have developed nyckelharpa therapy. Several volumes of this thecies are packaged at the Institute's Remedial Library. The patient in Herb's photo recovered while they were out to lunch.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue May 04, 2021 1:22 pm

In spite of Dr. Moe's notable humanitarian contributions, not the least being establishment of the hospital, he left the tri-burgs under a cloud when it was discovered there was something definitely "fishy" about his medical credentials.

Dr. Moe consulted KD on the feasibility of in vitro lobotomies, but nothing crystallized from their brain-storming sessions.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed May 05, 2021 10:52 am

Yes, who was it that said "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed May 05, 2021 4:23 pm

Heinrich credits that quote to Ferd Farkle. It is also said that
Ferd never ate blue food.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed May 05, 2021 8:06 pm

Bartholomew came up with three credible citations to prove the quote was first stated by Cuthbert Maddox. Confusion ensued owing to the fact that Cuthbert did not actually know what a frontal lobotomy was, therefore giving credence to Ferd Farkle as the originator.

Interesting side note, it was actually against the law in Calhoun County to serve blue food. The statute was in place from 1881 through 1912, when the Wyoming supreme court struck it down as unconstitutional. The bleu cheese lobby in Laramie financed the lawsuits that resulted in the decision.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu May 06, 2021 12:52 am

Another factor may have been that Cuthbert and Ferd often traded
appearances and identities, as a matter of throwing off would-be doers
of evil, which was quite a problem at the time. The two looked a lot
alike, especially from above. Records show that their plan was quite
successful and no evil was ever done to either, with the possible exception
of the No Lefthand Turns Rule.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu May 06, 2021 10:53 am

Ferd and Cuthbert often met in the Blue Cheese Lobby for a game of backgammon and some tea and cheese. Ferd often had to be reminded which one he was while Cuthbert remained neutral.
BluChzz.jpg
This was long after the infamous shootout between the Spadafords and the Whimpleys.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu May 06, 2021 10:17 pm

Viewers will note that the tempral seating pads seen here are the same
ones that one will see in the east wing of the Institute's grand foyer. The
Bleu Cheese Lobby updated to tufted volmerine in 1927 and donated the
originals to the Regents, in an exchange for the good will and tacos that
the two organizations have enjoyed together now for 150 years.

My, .... where has the time gone ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat May 08, 2021 11:53 am

It should be mentioned how well those hassocks have held up. Originally they were crafted by Sonja Davenport in the pantry of her shanty down by Pinckney Creek. Employed as a substitute teacher and bar maid, she often had time to stich up some cushioning fixtures for local entrepreneurs. Shaggings from the balking plant and the fernqiller,s were plentiful and made it profitable.
Thanks for offering that photo.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat May 08, 2021 4:31 pm

Heinrich just happened to have this photo of Sonja, taken while spooling
thread for the Uvula League's annual Nutmeg Incident Memorial fundraiser.

000cfa73b6521848871e0e1b11467bf9.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat May 08, 2021 7:01 pm

And doesn't she look just as lovely as the day she stepped out of the ventriloquist's portmanteau? The spool jordel shown in the photograph was originally designed by E. Pruden Huffmeyer and reformulated by KD for holding bobbins and wooden reels. Chestnut was often the favorite.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun May 09, 2021 1:28 am

Sonja was remarkably young looking for her age. She would have be 62 in
that photo. Perhaps it was the ventriloquist fluid she was working around ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun May 09, 2021 12:46 pm

It might have been living around her collection of spools. The various timbers they were spun from gave off rejuvenating wellness as they aged. She often commented "There's no spool like an old spool".
spoolz.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Fri May 14, 2021 10:17 am

I heard that Kalamity invented this stuff, and that it doesn't occur naturally.
dehydrated water.JPG
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But my question is, who was Bernard?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri May 14, 2021 11:56 am

A byproduct of the kaphistulation process. KD was too involved with the
War Dept. projects at the time, so he handed over the reigns on this to
Peutrid Bernard to market. There was a big article on this in the June, 1943
edition of Hair & Organs Magazine.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri May 14, 2021 9:33 pm

Shown earlier, regarding a different matter, this tram line was often used
to get dehydrated water to the other side. During the period of rationing,
school children and aspiring dolphin polishers smuggled the prized commodity
in special shoe linings, made of single digit numbers and lower case letters.
Al Cologne was one of those involved, and began his famed yodeling career
right here on the wire.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Fri May 14, 2021 10:44 pm

Al,s career started quite by accident. His finger got caught under the wheel on the line. The whole gang enjoyed the sound and his carreer began. Al got his feet wet on the wire yodeling so to speak.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat May 15, 2021 4:50 pm

Al's career is well documented in the film "Al's Career". Noted Tri-Burg area
film maker Capricorn Dawson used the original as a jumping off point for his
1948 romance sequel "Al's Career, the Sequel". Chugwater Review film critic
Heinz Dirtburner made no bones about his displeasure with Dawson's liberal
use of artistic license regarding Al's love life and skills with a vacuum cleaner.

All of this is a terrible distraction from the real story here, though ....

... the perils of handling dehydrated water, both in times of legal transaction,
and those times when it was a crime. So much to be told here ...
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon May 17, 2021 10:57 pm

kevin.JPG
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Another unexplained photo.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue May 18, 2021 4:25 pm

Why, thank you Herb ! Actually, that portrait is quite self-explanatory. It's a photograph of Woolford Woolstenhume and his "wonder cat" Mephistopheles. Woolford sheared sheep for Cuthbert Maddox on the upper forty most mid-Mays when the monsoons were not running. True to his calling, Woolford affected long shaggy scarves loosely knitted from raw wool. While the lanolin gave him a silky complexion as well as a distinctive odor, he was never especially perturbed by the presence of an occasional sheep tick, in spite of occasional out-breaks of Rockymountain Spotted Fever. Many folks could not tell where his beard left off and his garb began. All was well with Woolstenhume until the advent of mechanical shears. Unused to any sort of machinery as he was, one spring, as he wrestled simultaneously with the new powered shears and an especially fractious ram, Woolford accidentally sheared off his own hair, his beard, and most of his clothing, all of which went into the county wool pool along with the ram's fleece. He nearly froze to death in a severe cold snap that followed Decoration Day that year, but the up-side was higher prices for the entire Tri-Burg wool clip owing to a perceived improved quality in the Basin's wool.

Oh - by the way, Mephistopheles was referred to as the "wonder cat" because Woolford was always wondering where he was. (usually he was asleep in Woolford's vest pocket).
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Tue May 18, 2021 9:36 pm

It's just not the same world since beard cats went out of fashion. Folks today seem content with their beard gravy and beard ketchup, but our forebears were made of sterner stuff... and to a man, they insisted on beard cats!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed May 19, 2021 12:58 pm

Vostner Mugwumps is selling a locally made line of beard gravies, ketchups,
and other condiments in area shops. I have not tried any of them yet, but
others have said the musty aged taste is like nothing else on the market.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed May 19, 2021 2:42 pm

She "Hmm, smells like a dead cat in here."
He "Yes, it's in the soap dish."
She "But there's soap in the soap dish."
He " That's right dear, there's a whole dead cat in every bar on Dead Cat Soap"
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Wed May 19, 2021 3:40 pm

Indeed. With cats in play mice stay away. When beard cats were in vogue, one never had to worry about an infestation of beard mice. Some experts state that beard mice are worse than bedbugs, and I do not doubt it.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed May 19, 2021 7:24 pm

And then there was the Off-Broadway tune fest called Katzz.
Katzz.jpg
Some say it was inspired by happenings in the Valley and later plagued by Copy-Cats.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by TXGOAT2 » Wed May 19, 2021 8:57 pm

The cat on the right in the photo reminds me of Jimmy Stewart.... but it was Paladin who was in "Cat Ballou", unless I mis-remember.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed May 19, 2021 9:23 pm

Funny that this would just now come up, but Tri-Burg area sleens always tended
to look like their owners. The likenesses in the above photo are uncanny. Many
believe it is the dehydrated water in the water ....
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu May 20, 2021 1:31 pm

You may be thinking of Richard Boone, Pat. He was Palladin but it was Jack Elam, of coarse that played Catmuth Ballou and his brother Strawn in the movie. I know it's hard to keep track.
Noze.jpg
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The nickel plated nose piece inspired the one affixed to Barney Oldfield's goggles after being hit in the nose by rocks from the track. Both had cats but neither looked like the other. Of coarse they weren't from Chugwater were they?
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