OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Feb 08, 2019 10:01 pm

Leo, I see the sides of that lorry have been plated.
Yes, those photos are right here somewhere. Just give ma a second......
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Fri Feb 08, 2019 10:34 pm

Take your time. The main question is, so what if the goat doesn't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world. The goat claimed to have bonespurs.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:23 am

Goats, Camels and Pandas? What ever happened with the trip to the Amazon and the development of the Capybara ranch? Did he really walk a mile with the Camel? These are historical facts that need to be explored.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:31 am

Fulk Hogan was known to always show up late. In this case, continental drift had already separated
Asia from the Americas by the time he took action, so Hogan decided to go with the Asia plan, as his
main priorities were goats, camels, and cornering the mushroom futures market. There was a big
write up on it in the Fungi Retailer last April.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sat Feb 09, 2019 5:21 am

The picture posted by Kaiser » Fri Feb 08, 2019 12:16 pm is truly amazing. What I mistook for a panda on the guys shoulder is actually a ???? Maybe the nose of an aardvark? But the ears are too small. and the machine gun on the roof of the TT, was that mounted on an airplane. If someone could identify the license plates it would help.


Kaiser, could you repost the picture on this page of the thread for easier reference?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by mtntee20 » Sat Feb 09, 2019 6:43 am

That animal is a coati mundi from South America. When Fulk was meeting with the fake KD in Tibet, the real KD was in South America. That's where he found his pet shown in Kaiser's photo. KD couldn't understand the native language and thought the name of that animal species was coat of mud. Hence the pet's name: Muddy. KD often referred to him as his Muddy Buddy. All was well until KD took Muddy to play auto polo. Tragedy struck in the third period when an errant mallet missed it's mark and sent Muddy through the goal posts. If anyone can find the one and only photo of KD wearing what looks to be a raccoon skin hat, that's Muddy. Coati mundis are in the raccoon family and KD thought it fitting tribute to his long time Muddy Buddy. I wonder what ever happened to that hat?

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Feb 09, 2019 9:20 am

Sebastian is running the plates even as we speak. Virginia 1923 is the only obvious one. When you said "nose of an aardvark" Did you mean "Noah's Ark"? Sometimes spill chick changes the litters. We do have a menagerie of critters mentioned here. Can anyone tell if the horn sticking out front is magneto or "BAT" as we used to say around the shop?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sat Feb 09, 2019 10:34 am

"The Coati is a raccoon-like omnivore, but is more slender and possesses a longer snout. It is a nosy, busy little creature with an insatiable appetite. The Coati is gregarious and noisy as it travel about in groups of from 6 to 24, holding its tail almost erect and chattering with others."

Range
"The Sonoran and Chihuahuan deserts of southwestern Arizona, southwestern New Mexico and the Big Bend to Brownsville areas of Texas."
https://www.desertusa.com/animals/coatimundi.html

"nosy, busy little creature with an insatiable appetite. The Coati is gregarious and noisy", wow, no wonder it fit in so well with our little group. And it looks like it escaped and started breeding, becoming an invasive species in the Southwest. Maybe a wall would have helped?

There was something about that erect tail that fascinated Hogan's goat, but the Coati couldn't stand the stench. And Mildred had a thing for Hogan, but she was suffering from the midriff bulge. What could possibly go wrong?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:10 pm

What could possibly go wrong ? .... always an excellent question to be asking, no matter
the subject.

I contacted Heinrich, in the bowels of the Library archives at the Institute to ask him what
could possibly go wrong, but he required that I fill in the subject line, as indicated by the red
asterisk in the left margin's edge. I grew beligerent, and refused, so we moved on to other
subjects. Ultimately, he referred me to a cat named Hans Zbranek, at the North Dakota School
of Mines and Midriff Bulge Studies. "Z" (as he likes to be called), said that a steady diet of hot
dish has proven itself to hold the upper hand in battles of the baggage cart of life, when posited
against the weak of will, sedantary, or those who just love cheese and carbs, leaving said person
in a state of heft and placing additional strain on their Model T's crankshaft when accelerating.
Studies have shown the same results for coati mundis, however, few know how to cook da hot
dish, and therefore documented incidences are rare. "Z" cited the cases of both Grunda Fulpants
and her daughter Watda Fulk Hogan, but was unable to explain the latter's prolific facial hair,
saying only, "Perhaps the goat got in there somehow ?"
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Scott_Conger » Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:18 pm

Fulk's first experiments with ballast for the epic journey was met with mixed success and casual skepicism.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Scott_Conger » Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:22 pm

but his efforts were no more ill advised than Conger's posting against a 1 week old posting! :shock:
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:32 pm

Obviously, the holes in the front tyres let out too much weight allowing an extreme rearward weight bias. If they just reinstall the lead weight bars in the holes everything will be alright...or at least more forward or the pivoting point. Perhaps they were just looking for an easy way to inspect the underside of the vehicle?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by mtntee20 » Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:48 pm

That's a photo showing one of KD's less than stellar "works in progress", the self-dumping dump truck. Everything would have been fine if Hogan's goat would have stayed perched on the front bumper. But, NOOOO, he had to jump off, chasing a tin can because he was irresistibly "canivorous".
It wasn't as bad as it looks. The boys just unloaded a couple more sacks, grabbed the running boards, and pulled her back down to earth.

This is a fairly rare but very interesting shot of grain being delivered for the production of Happy Sally. Firewood for stoking the still can be clearly seen in the doorway.


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Sat Feb 09, 2019 3:41 pm

It also shows the local airport control tower over the roof. Pretty fancy for bi-planes.


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Feb 09, 2019 6:26 pm

drumright explosion nov 1916.jpg
Can someone give me the details of the Drumright explosion?

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Feb 09, 2019 6:45 pm

You can't blame this one on Kalamity Dick. He wasn't even near Oklahoma that week. I see it was a two pedal car. No great loss of those older Fords. Nitroglycerin is a colorless odorless by-product of vaporizing vanadium as we all know. Dick put out countless warnings to be careful around it. Obviously some biker was trying to get high and over compressed it. See if you can talk them out of the two pedals. Signing off for the afternoon.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Sat Feb 09, 2019 7:19 pm

The Drumright explosion was the 4th of MANY, resulting from mushroom gas and the
roadside mushroom stands.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sat Feb 09, 2019 7:38 pm

Herb posted this, I'm sure, in answer to Raoul's query, "what could possibly go wrong ?" Apparently, everything goes wrong in Drumright. Thanks to Heinrich's relentless research, the Institute's files produced a news clipping from a Houston, Texas newspaper, November, 1916 which stated a gas explosion and subsequent fire took out the entire Drumright, Okla. business district, losses valued at $ 110.98. A lot of money back then.

As for the two-pedal Ford wrecked by nitroglycerin, well, it's all speculation, but through interviews and family histories, it's most likely that old '09 flivver was the one Slug Spaydaford was driving. After serving his time for parking violations in Rawlins (you'll recall he had tied his horse to a parking meter without putting in a nickel) Spaydaford had determined the old days were done, being a highway robber mounted horseback wasn't putting beans on the table, so he branched out into blowing safes. He was waiting for nightfall, to make an attempt on the Drumright Bank & Mistrust Co. when the gas explosion so rattled the nitro in his Ford, the nitro also exploded. Fortunately for him, Slug was far from his car at the time, enjoying a plate of ginger-snaps and a flagon of milk at the local saloon, which was also miraculously saved from the conflagration which took out Drumright's business section.

If you should happen to Giggle "Drumright Oklahoma Explosion", you'll find that the community has become accustomed to regular massive explosions through the years even as recently as 2007. Sebastian calculates they are about due for another one.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Sat Feb 09, 2019 8:48 pm

Because of restrictive State laws, KD had to incorporate the regional sales office for the
vestibule company as the Jesus Christ, Fish, Vestibule and Mattress Co., and diversify the
offerings of said concern to include Christian/church supplies, seafood, and bedding, in
order to open the office in Drumright. Citing an obvious void in the supply of podiums,
pews, and hymnals, as well as clams, salmon, and blankets, it was a perfect fit. Grunda
Fulpants was the natural choice of office manager, and was a primary reason for the romance
between Fulk Hogan and the 1917 Dust Bowl Princess 3rd place runner-up. Kalamity traveled
irregularly to the office to give nitroglycerin handling lessons and to oversee the building
of the railroad to the mine.

Sebastian informs me that he has located photos relating to the above and will forward
as soon as the bleeding stops.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sat Feb 09, 2019 9:32 pm

I would like to suggest to all posters that Jesus Christ, Christianity, and recognized religions be left off of this thread, and the forum.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Sat Feb 09, 2019 11:48 pm

Sampled some of the roadside mushrooms with tonight's pasta. The gas hasen't arrived yet so stay clear of Southern California for tonight. We're overdue for "the big one" anyway, so no need to press the issue.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sat Feb 09, 2019 11:52 pm

Hogan had finished off the can of spam, the goat was working on the can.

"Almost midnight", said Hogan, "do you know where your kids are?"

"Naaaaaaaaaa" , said the goat.


What was that peering in the window?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sun Feb 10, 2019 7:25 am

The goat's attraction to the coitis mundi was real and eventually the affection was returned. This cross was no exception and the mutations in PADI3, TCHH, and TGM3 were to be expected. This phenotype was expressed in the offspring as sparse hair growth in unusual patterns and the hair had the feel of wheat straw. This particular hybrid was called "Chupacabra" and was known for its ugly disposition and habit of sucking the blood out of goats. And this particular Chupacabra was looking in the window as Hogan finished the spam. It was hungry. Its long tongue angled from the side of its long snout as saliva drooled off its tip.

Hogan looked over at the goat which had vanadium steel caught between it's teeth. These new spam cans were excellent for storing nut, bolts, washers, etc. but much more difficult to ingest than the old style. Hogan offered the goat a mushroom. "Naaaaaaa" said the goat. Hogan had gotten the stools on the roadside, but not at a stand, they were wild caught and organic, what could go wrong? Hogan downed the first shroom and found it a bit bitter. He reached for a glass of chugwater as the room began to spin.

The goat was happily half way through the vanadium can when the Chupacabra burst through the door, a veritable buzzsaw of anger and hunger with its crossed red eyes on the goat. It always saw double, but Hogan was seeing more than that, his hallucinations were having hallucinations.

Things were looking to get ugly, then Hogan's hallucination offered the Chupacabra a mushroom. Being rabidly ravenous the chup eagerly devoured Hogan's whole stash before Hogan's hallucination realized what was happening. The chup fell back on the floor and Hogan began lecturing blathering... "If broccoli looks like a tree, and a Mushroom looks like an umbrella, and a Walnut looks like a brain, then a banana...

"SCREELALALALLASHOOOM" was the evil sound from the chup's throat, a sound so loud, so eerie, and so heinous that even Hogan's hallucination's hallucination knew there was something wrong.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:10 am

:shock: Then what happened ?!? Tom, don't leave us hanging :shock:
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sun Feb 10, 2019 11:01 am

Rich Bingham wrote:
Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:10 am
:shock: Then what happened ?!? Tom, don't leave us hanging :shock:
I don't have any idea. There are at least six people writing this. Someone will pick it up and continue the thought. Or not. I'll get back to it later this evening if no one else does. So far the morrell seems to be avoid sillycyban...
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Sun Feb 10, 2019 11:45 am

Don't know about the Chupacabra, but the goat went into business farting vanadium steel lock washers for use in the automotive repair trades.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sun Feb 10, 2019 12:06 pm

I finally found something I think I can attribute to Kalamity.
musical instruments.jpg
Did Kalamity invent this and did it lead to the Drumright explosion?
I just can't read all of the inscription.

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Feb 10, 2019 12:15 pm

I think so Herb. It looks like some carburetor technology to me. I'll check the manual when I get time. I have been bogged down in Hoganius Goaticuss research this week.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sun Feb 10, 2019 1:02 pm

For those unfamiliar with billy goats, they are a nasty animal that stinks. The reason is that they regularly download their bladder into their beards, then rub the results into the rest of their fur. Typically their odor is a mix of recent urine, yesterday's urine, and week old urine. And I won't go into how they download their prostates, just take my word for it, they are nasty and they stink.

Have you ever driven home when you had too much to drink, made it into the driveway, gotten out of your truck, and couldn't make it in the door. If you lay down on the ground to rest and have a billy goat be prepared to awake to the warm feel of fresh goat urine splashing on your face. Don't ask me how I know. So now hopefully you understand what Hogan awoke to.

It took him awhile to realize his situation, his brain was mush with no room for clear thinking. Eventually he started looking around for clues to what had transpired during his mushroom induced hallucinogenetic sleep. He wasn't even sure he was awake, but he was certain the goat's bladder was empty.

The Chupacabra was gone. The vanadium can was gone (probably eaten by the goat), and the goat had a very satisfied look on his face. Satisfied because its bladder was empty, or...
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Feb 10, 2019 1:09 pm

I remember Cuthbert's mom mentioning he was raised on goat's milk. His father would leave town for two weeks each time she changed his diaper. You can only appreciate that if you've been there.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sun Feb 10, 2019 4:37 pm

The goat had more problems than Carter had pills, and now it looked like the Chupacabra's rabbit would die. the goat was oblivious, but Hogan knew the ramifications. Chupacabra are a hybrid and therefore sterile, except when female and bred to their father or grandfather. the goat was proud, he felt he had done his biological duty, but if impregnated, the Chupacabra's offspring would be a terror time ten to the second. Think Tremor's worm on steroids.

"We have to have a plan", exclaimed Hogan pulling out a relief map. First, we have to find out where the restrooms are"!
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Feb 10, 2019 6:14 pm

Grandma Maddox's child care may have left a lot to be desired, but in later years Cuthbert attributed the fact that he never suffered from saddle sores to the rigors of his infancy. Another aspect is that he never, ever used an outdoor privy. Something to do with scent aversion, I understand.

On a similar note, I recall Uncle Lumby once stated that Kalamity Dick was raised on milk of magnesia, but perhaps he was just being peevish ?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Feb 10, 2019 6:20 pm

I recall he wore asbestos diapers into his teens also.
Having a plan is a good idea. I was impressed by Kalamity Dick basing his life on six basic principles. I think we all should do the same. Seven would be too many and five not enough to my way of thinking.
Thanks for reminding me of this Tom.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sun Feb 10, 2019 8:21 pm

"Its not as easy as garden peas", explained the doctor, "in some areas we can only guess. For example, although we can make a good edumacted guess as to the homozygotic nature of the Chupacabra's base genes, we have no idea what genetic (compound heterozgote) variants the Chupacabra carries."

"So we don't know what to expect?", asked Hogan.

"Well, since your goat is both the father and the grandfather, there is a 75% chance the offspring will be a goat with all of the personality traits of goat.", replied the doctor, "For example, no morals, no decency, no ethics, no respect for society's norms, total narcissist, always acts for its own good with no respect for how it affects others. The only thing a goat respects is something that it perceives as more powerful than itself. But this is no problem, this is all normal for a goat. Consider your goat's taking advantage of a hallucinating Chupacabra which is it its daughter, does the goat have any remorse?"

"Naaaaaa", said the goat.

"So that is good news, just a goat", asked Hogan?

"Yes, a normal goat in very respect except the sillycyban might result in a mushroom shaped body part, but we can't really predick", said the doctor.

How about the other 25% chance", asked Hogan?

Breaks down to 12.5 % chance of a Chupacabra with a goat's personality which could be very dangerous", said the doctor, and a 12.5 % chance of a human with unusual hair, possible mushroom appendage, and the goat's personality, I really don't want to contemplate it" said the doctor shaking his head.

After they left Hogan decided they needed to head to the vanadium mines, that is where he figured a pregnant Chupacabra would go. He was mistaken...
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Feb 10, 2019 8:32 pm

Well, I guess 12.5% isn't all that bad when you consider the alternative. %;Oo
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Sun Feb 10, 2019 9:30 pm

Funny, ... but I was just considering the alternative, when I got a call from
Viceroy Duntov, collector of parking fines and erstwhile afficianado of mint
flavored candies. He was complaining of incessant gas and his absentminded
misplacement of the Gastrometer that Kalamity Dick had built for him, leaving
him in much distress. He went on to say that he had been following along with
the thread on Kalamity Dick, and said that the chupacabra problem was dealt
with through breeding a Mexican Chupa with a Czech Wombat, leaving them
with a very docile strain, now called the Czexican Chubat, which just lazes about
and reminisces about "better times". It lives off of Hogan's Asian mushrooms, and
helps clean the latrines every Saturday. All-in-all, a welcome addition to the
Calhoun County community and a popular addition to every household.

BTW - Herb's last photo sure looks like what Viceroy misplaced. Has anyone
contacted him ?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Sun Feb 10, 2019 9:52 pm

Hogan's vanadium mine hunch was actually pretty good, a pregnant Chupacabra would be ravenous, and the animals around a vanadium mine would be easy prey, plus something in the vanadium mine runoff caused plants to grow to 100 times there normal size. The mushrooms were enormous, and the Chupacabra had developed a taste for mushrooms! Dandelions towered overhead, as much as 35' tall . Decomposing dandelions had a dandy tang after short fermentation time.

But the Chupacabra had different plans, it was headed east, Mississippi catfish were on the menu.

Hogan and his goat had to move upriver to reach the mines, they had a boat for transport, but needed something to propel it. They finally found some paddles for sale, it was a real oar deal.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:01 am

So here's the dilemma: A waterpump salesman has a really vile, disgusting, ugly, smelly, miserable, no good, mean tempered and foul mooded goat, a pregnant Chupacabra and a Kingston 4-ball carburetor. He has to get them from on side of the river to the other. He only has room in the boat for two of them. If he leaves the goat and the carburetor alone the goat will eat the carburetor. If he leaves the pregnant Chupacabra and the carburetor alone the pregnant Chupacabra will drink gas from he carburetor and die. How does he get all three to the other side?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by mtntee20 » Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:48 am

He builds a Chupapult, puts the carb. in his coat pocket, the goat in the boat, launches the Chupacabra to the other shore, and paddles the goat in the boat over to where the Chupacabra landed.


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:53 am

Install the carb back on the T and drive them all across the bridge that the boat is tied off to.


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:41 am

Man, Chupacabra, foul smelling goat,
Overloaded in a tiny rowboat,
The goat had a smile
For he knew that the isle
Was the habitat of cute virgin shoat!
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:53 am

Discussions of goat urine should not be read while drinking the morning cup of tea. Something doesn't taste right. Perhaps a mushroom and dandelion omelette will help.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:15 am

46woodduck wrote:
Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:53 am
Discussions of goat urine should not be read while drinking the morning cup of tea. Something doesn't taste right. Perhaps a mushroom and dandelion omelette will help.
Yeah, sorry about that. I ruminated a lot before including it. I recognize this is a family forum. But, I have owned several Billy goats and what I posted was clean compared to some of their really nasty behavior. Not that being fact makes it allowable to post, I just wanted those not familiar with Billys to know what Hogan was dealing with. Billys do stink, and for good reason.

Again, my apologies. Maybe some spam from a vanadium can would help.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:31 am

The Chupacabra tired of the goat's odor and went to throw it overboard while it was snoozing. It slowly snuck over to the goat, then quickly snuck under biting the sharply in a soft area. "Naaaaaaaaa", went the goat in increasingly higher pitch and jumping up a few feet. But it landed on Hogan who had been rowing at a good rhythm when the altercation began. He tried to get between the two combatants and halfway to Shoat Island the boat overturned. Hogan, who didn't know how to swim, clung to the boat while the goat swam for the island. Their complete supply of supplies went downstream with the current, spam, dandelions, sillysiban stools, even the goat's tanning googles. Would Hogan make it to Shoat Island?

The Chupacabra turned back for shore. The goat didn't really love her anyway, even though she was his daughter and pregnant by him. Being pregnant brings on cravings, she wanted Mississippi cat fish. Some force beyond the realm of reality was calling her, guiding her, driving her. The supernatural is not to be denied.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:00 am

This is beginning to read like a livestock romance novel ....

Anyone remember Kalamity Dick ?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:09 am

Kalamity Dick? At first I thought the was the boy in my first grade reader, "Dick in Jane". So I did a google search and a bunch of porn sites came up. I don't go to porn sites because my computer might catch a virus or something worse.

However, I am certain there are others here who can tie a goat being a goat, a Chupacabra knocked up by its father, and a sillycyban loving Hogan with some type of Dark and Stormy porn. The goat figures the Chupacabra can be paid off like the others were if the payments are structured correctly.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Tom Hicks » Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:26 am

I will back off posting and allow those of you with more familiarity and love of Dick than I to redirect the thread.

But I will be reading...
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by mtntee20 » Mon Feb 11, 2019 2:55 pm

Do not be fooled, KD was definitely familiar with the Chupacabra. He invented a grooming tool for the beast. He took great pains to get the cutters just right. They had to be able to trim the thick, dense, coarse, wavy coat of the Chupa. The tool had to cut and not pull on the individual hairs of the coat. Not an easy feat to master, but KD was able to perfect the Chupa-trimmer.

Does anyone ever wonder why you don't see any Chupacabras around today? That's because the Chupa-trimmer made it easy for them to groom themselves and blend into the crowd they chose to be associated with. In fact, you might sit next to one in your favorite restaurant and never know it, as long as it had been at least 30 days since it had last spent time with a billy goat.

KD, while satisfied with the Chupa-trimmer, often had the feeling there was more he could do with his invention. A traveling salesman happened by one day, hawking his wares. KD found a small motor he thought could be mounted on the Chupa-trimmer to make it easier to use cutting the dense coat. That small motor was the answer to his quest. The Chupas loved the improvement and KD went on to make a fortune selling the Chupa-trimmer for an alternate purpose. You all have seen and many of you have used, the double-sided, sickle bar type hedge trimmer. Yes, that's one of KD's inventions that are still being used today.

Now you Know!

I am wondering how Hogan got out of the "overturned canoe" incident?


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Feb 11, 2019 3:08 pm

Tom, while the posts may have strayed somewhat from the subject of "Fun With Dick and His Friends" *, Heinrich, Sebastian, and the entire staff at the Institute wish to thank you for contributing your valuable and informative posts dealing with goats, the chupacabra, Hogan, incest and all the details you have provided. They will be catalogued into the Institute's Remembry Bank, where posting members can withdraw them most any time, without losing interest.

*Incidentally, that was the title of a pilot version first grade reader based on the exploits of Kalamity Dick which was presented to educators for their approval in 1940. Most felt the story line, although simplified for young minds, dealt too heavily in complicated mechanical theory, to say nothing of the many references to imbibing "Happy Sally". Eventually the series was edited in 1946 and Dick's character re-written to become a six-year-old boy. Kalamity's many friends, associates, relations and acquaintances were written out, and the title changed. Editors reckoned young readers would have more fun with Jane, Sally, Puff and Spot. Needless to say, the plot lines of the revised book lacked a lot of depth.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Feb 11, 2019 3:37 pm

Before we stray too far from the nasty, vile, disgusting, ugly, smelly, miserable, no good, mean tempered, foul mooded and somewhat irritating goat subject, may I say it reminded me a little of the Aldo Van Pinksberg exhibit in Calbinky that very same summer. I'm not sure I know why.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Feb 11, 2019 5:05 pm

Rich, thank you for posting this. It is always a thrill to learn more about the fascinating career of Aldo Van Pinksberg. The genius of his work is further amplified in this sampling of important European portraits; likely they have never been seen before. Obviously, Van Pinksberg did not find goats objectionable; or, if he did, perhaps they provided him with very lucrative commissions ? Either way, these are very important paintings, both historically, and as works of art. I wish I knew more, but I do recognize the portrait of World War I flying ace, Baron Manfred Von Zeige, prominent in this sampling of the Calbinky exhibit. He is shown in dress uniform, and wearing the Verdienstorden (or Blue Max) Imperial Germany's highest commendation. To the left of the portrait of Von Zeige appears to be a painting of the renowned matador, Manolete Maria y Silva de Cabra, who was the hero of bull rings all over Spain and in the New World as well, until he was tragically gored by an angry Hereford range cow while vacationing on his uncle's ranch near Chugwater in 1926. The silent movie "Blood and Sand" was an unaccredited biography. (he never shoulda gone near her calf !)
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Feb 11, 2019 5:56 pm

Van Pinksberg did say the goat was an unusually nasty, vile, disgusting, ugly, smelly, miserable, no good, mean tempered, foul mooded and somewhat irritating animal but intriguing to paint. He often wore a scented mask while doing the portraits. He also like to paint the twin horned Lummox in Brazil but couldn't afford to go there often. Some thought Van Pinksberg was a little odd.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:15 pm

Few folks recall that the little remembered Baron Manfred Von Zeige was famously recalled as the first person in history to drop attack trained goats from Model T powered Zeppelins over the western front during the days of trench warfare. The effects of those air drops were particularly demoralizing to the French troops having to protect their wine and croissants from the voracious beasts.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:20 pm

The rise of the goat in cultural circles in the 19th and early 20th century is truly amazing to
ponder. While the Baron was earning the Verdienstorden in the skies over Europe, Uncle Lumby
and others were digging fossil remains from the tar beds of the Upper Chugwater that showed
goats had recently evolved from similar-looking water creatures. The Chugwater Tar Beds fossil
exhibit has been a focal display at the Institute for over 100 years, drawing scientists from all
over Calhoun County and the Tri-Burg area, especially during seminal moments and rush hour.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by mtntee20 » Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:41 pm

How did Van Pinksberg obtain the police mug shot (lower right corner) of Hogan's goat from the 1927 Chugwater Fungi Festival debacle? While his paintings are simply extraordinary, I feel a painting of a mug shot is inappropriate in the company of the other such dignified subjects. If it hadn't been for the adequate submissions of Happy Sally to the Judge, Hogan's goat would have spent time behind chrome vanadium bars until he could have chewed his way out.

Was Van Pinksberg trying to compete with all the great artists who always put a "pimple" on their subject just so some dumb guy can complain about it? :o

Rich, Thank you for the collage of the dignified and not so dignified subjects of Van Pinksberg. What a painter.


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:56 pm

They say "No photo, it never happened". Well, here you go !

TTgoat.jpg

Note the Farkleberry bush in the foreground. It wasn't until 1924 that Kalamity Dick discovered
this was the answer to his perfecting the Wood and Liver Swirl flavor ice cream flavor. KD had
just been named Farkler Emeritus at the Institute's Department of Redundancy Dept. after successfully
farkling 27 quart-size jars of gubbins in 32 hours, 9 minutes, 52 seconds, beating out all competitors
by over 12 hours. The bush, previously known as Monkberry, was renamed in honor of the event and
title. The ice cream, while nutritious, had an "acquired" taste that many attributed to the goats.
By 1934, it was banned in all 27 states, except in institutionalized sterilization procedings.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Tue Feb 12, 2019 1:26 am

And everyone knows of the importance of sterilizing institutions, which is part of the reason Hogan and his goat were banned from being institutionalized.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Feb 12, 2019 7:01 am

Interestingly, by running Wood and Liver Swirl flavor ice cream through the Whitworth scabinfauber Dick could produce an adhesive superior to the hide glue used to build Battle ships for the Death Valley Navy. Van Pinksberg started using it to extend the life of his oil paint but often the brushes would adhede to the canvas and had to sawn off with a knife. The painting Raoul shared with us inspired the saying "The goats are on the house". I don't believe it is an original Van Pinksberg or "Pinkie" as the Battenists called them. Thanks for mentioning the 1927 Chugwater Fungi Festival. Although several people nearly drown it was the highlight of dick's summer.

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Tue Feb 12, 2019 10:45 am

Although it is unknown who the owner of the above TT was, Kalamity's presence is obviated by
the mismatched pair of headlight rings, a trick Dick learned in 1917, to polarize the triculation
during thymian inducement, while the vehicle was in motion. He found he could increase mocular
efficiency by 74%, if the coils and magnets were galaxially aligned. The process was seen by Ford
as an overlooked "plus" to their existing design, and incorporated it in select vehicles built after 01
June, 1919. Aesthetist complained about the mismatch, so company engineers figured out that if
the rings were bathed in a vat of Happy Sally, they could then be painted to look the same, while
still delivering superior results. At that time, the process was installed on all vehicles, including the
car Wozzlewood Dorfmunder took the Chugwater Cup with for 7 straight years. Ford would later name
a model line after the Galaxial process.

No goats were harmed during filming.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Feb 12, 2019 11:39 am

I'm glad you explained that Raoul. I believe Dick called it the Phibin technique while Henry refered to it as the "Krapitboffer" method.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Feb 12, 2019 4:55 pm

More of the pieces of the puzzle seem to fit when properly filed. Alexis was reorganizing at the Institute and just now sent us an incomefax confirming that Wozzlewood Dorfmunder was one of the gang members who remained with Slug Spaydaford after his attempt to rob Kalamity Dick was foiled by Cuthbert's zebra dun mule. Dorfmunder claimed the so-called "Chugwater Cup" was really a prescription jar, and as such, legally belonged to the people of Medicine Bow. He took it back to Ernie's Saloon seven times. Each time, angry mobs of Chugwater supporters surrounded Ernie's, threatening to burn it to the ground if the Cup wasn't turned over to them. For some reason, the Medicine Bow constable was always out of town when this happened. Coincidence ?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Tue Feb 12, 2019 11:26 pm

I have never heard or read any account of the Constable being out of town during those hullaballoos.
The only information on the Constable I have came via Uncle Lumby. He was 3 sheets to the wind, after
an evening at Ernie's. He told this story of KD building a prosthetic leg for the Constable, with a wheel
on the end, much like a modern bicycle wheel, that allowed the wearer to wheel long like one might ride
a skateboard. Sort of a unicycle, combined with a prosthetic leg mounting to the stump. I was able to
confirm this, reading through old copies of the Fecklersburg Review. It said the constable could "outrun"
the fastest horse in the Tri-Burg area when rolling down the hill toward the pier and ferry terminal at the
foot of Hoozits Avenue. Perhaps he just lost control and rolled away ? The articles (there were several)
said KD never did put brakes on the wheel.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Feb 12, 2019 11:45 pm

The prosthetic leg did have it's drawbacks. By September the following year KD had apologized and fitted the Constable with a better device. However he skipped to Vegas during the next melee and dispute returned as before.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:05 am

Sorry to drag this backwards a little, but Heinrich just sent these over. Kalamity worked up a functional
rotary wing aircraft, he called "the whirligig", to get to the regional sales office in Drumright. Two primary
concerns were addressed in this contraption .... speed, AND the ability to sling-carry large amounts of
nitroglycerin safely.

whirligig 1.jpg

As Drumright has always been known to do, they bought locomotives and rolling stock for a railroad
they would never build. Impossible grades and curves simply would not allow it. Without money for rails,
the citizens of Drumright insisted on dragging the locomotives up and over the mountains, the nitroglycerin
carried in a wagon in the pack train. This show of foolish civic pride was massively time and energy
consuming and resulted in numberous accidents with the explosive.

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:31 am

Yes, I recall "the whirligig". It's good to see the photo.
Actually, nitroglycerin and Happy Sally are very much the same chemically. The former contains a large percentage of "Deton-8" while the Happy Sally is, well, let's just say happier. If you remember your chemistry class math, Kla103 over pie squared cooked at 300°for seven weeks in July makes Johnny a dull red. Never the less drinking an equal amount of either usually offsets the other.
You may notice the Mule Tenders far out front of the locomotive carrying the payload.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Feb 13, 2019 11:51 am

While I have the desk phone dialed up I will ask. Was it Cuthbert's nephews Kevin and Nate honored for their singing in the Christmas song "Joy to the World? You know the part that goes;.....annnd Kevin and Nate sure sing, annnd Kevin and Nate sure sing, and Kevin and Kevin and Nate sure sing.
Or is that just a coincidence?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:11 pm

I'm still trying to figure out how they had the harnesses rigged for the mules behind the locomotive so they could push the load. Maybe I'll be able to focus better after the coffee kicks in.

Does anyone know the connection between Kalamity Dick and references to Wednesday as "hump day". There was some mention of a bell ringer, but I believe there were Camels involved though the Camels may have actually been Luck Strikes. The memory gets blurry as the years flow by.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Wed Feb 13, 2019 2:32 pm

I for one actually prefer my memories blurry..
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:15 pm

You know Kalamity got around. He once made a journey o Scotland. It has never been the same since. They have a Tee shirt there to remember him by:

;
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:15 pm

Can you make goat Haggis?


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:25 pm

The bagpipes were Kalamity Dick's most successful and enduring invention. The idea was to mechanically
create the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. Add haggis and whisky, and the acceptance of them as a
musical instrument AND the origins of the kilt becomes obvious.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:07 pm

image.jpg
Herb, just as I was rounding up stray information for Rich about Cuthbert's twin nephews, your post about KD's journey to Scotland appeared. There is a connection, the twins were born to Cuthbert's sister Althea, who married Angus McWhirter, an immigrant who came to Chugwater from Scotland. The twins had remarkably melodious voices and sang at every barn-raising. Later in life, Nate developed an interest in mechanical inventions, no doubt nurtured by his Uncle Cuthbert's stories of the mechanical wonders he had helped Dick build and repair during their long association. Probably the most remarkable item Nate came up with was this combination Sousaphone, whisky still and haggis boiler pictured above. (that's Kevin alongside Nate's invention) It was possible for Nate to play "Flight of the Bumblebee" in C sharp minor as Kevin sang the lead melody while boiling up a delicious haggis and distilling a fifth of rye whisky at the same time.

To answer your question, while it is possible to make a haggis from a goat, the cost really has no stomach for it.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:45 pm

"C sharp minor" wouldn't you know it. Sebastian tells me the vials of nitro were packed in bags of parakeet feathers and therefore posed no problems. His conclusions of late are subject to screw-tinny. Wasn't Kevin a handsome boy?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Feb 13, 2019 9:06 pm

I think this is Kalamity's friend from Scotland. There is no reference to the mans full name.I do believe that they had some great adventures together.
Didn't they carry nitroglycerine on bottles too?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:32 pm

Alexander "Sandy" Moody was his name. He had a sister named Normalee Moody. She was notorious
for being a grumpy, wet blanket sort of gal. Especially when Cuthbert, Uncle Lumby, or any of the
Klammitboffers weren't buying rounds at Ernie's.

Interesting photo of the guys bagging flatulence ore for shipment at the RR freight depot. Mining of
the ore was a shortlived boom in the hills north of Medicine Bow. No one wanted the processing mill
in their town, and the end product rancid. The market never developed like some hoped it would.
Normalee was the biggest promoter, by a strange twist of fate. Seems that she and Grunda Fulpants
had a falling out over the big scandal, and Grunda, being the founder and well-placed socialite, as a
result of being President of the Uvula League, pretty much destroyed Normalee's post-scandal career
options. Normalee did not like the flatulence business, saying "it stinks", but was left few options after
Grunda's efforts to blacklist her around the Tri-burg area.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Thu Feb 14, 2019 2:16 am

Brings to mind Normalee's pre-scandal career as a pole dancer when she was promoting Happy Sally to the Irish railroad workers.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by REHelgeson » Thu Feb 14, 2019 8:41 am

Yes, Normalee had an eye for Polish men. On any Friday and Saturday night Normalee could be found at Ernie's dancing with the men from a small Polish community down the road a piece. That is actually where the phrase 'Pole Dancing' originated. Interesting don't you think?

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Feb 14, 2019 10:20 am

How right you are. Often she would do a running jump during the dance into the partners arms. This became known as the "Pole Vault". Not to be confused with the safe where the Poles lived. If not for the brave Irish and Polish railroad workers that made the West great, Ernie's would have disappeared into oblivion for sure. Ernie had a colorful background himself. Brown plaid with a touch of vermilion and cyan as I recall.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Thu Feb 14, 2019 10:34 am

If it weren't for Ernie's daring sense of fashion, brown plaid would not be the rage it is today.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:02 am

I would be remiss if I didn't mention Kalamity Dick went through a fashion phase in his earlier years.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:11 am

I think it's time we bring up the subject ot hair, and how Fecklersburg, and namely Watda Fulk Hogan,
was the center of the men's hair fashion world for a stretch. As most of the Model T world today still
wears these styles developed at the Hogan Institute of Hair, it is only fitting to give credit, where credit
is due.

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:29 am

Raoul, thank you for bringing this up. Watda Hogan acquired most of her tonsorial skills at a young age, shearing the bands of sheep that used to graze on free range in the hills surrounding Fecklersburg. While it is true most of today's Model T aficionados avidly adopted her styles while in their callow years, the women and the worries have most hairlines in full retreat, and what's left is turning talcum-powder grey. Still, they hold onto the quality and traditions of the Hogan Hair Institute as best they can.

Rich, wonderful to see Kalamity Dick in full sartorial splendor. A page in Cuthbert's memoirs notes he sewed that shirt himself, using a pair of pliers and a sacking needle. Sad to say, when he put it on, it so affrighted the zebra dun mule that he refused to run the treadmill trailer Dick depended on to run his portable machine shop, and so the wonderful shirt was put away in a trunk for many years. When Dick decided to begin wearing it again, he had the devil's own time convincing the elephant to part with it.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:41 am

Heinrich videogramed this over. It's still in a bin in the cellar and keeps the mice away.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:42 am

I am not convinced that KD sewed the shirt himself. If he did, he was heavily influenced by the
pages of Pimp My T magazine, as many copies were found within the propinquity of his domicile.

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:44 am

I am told KD was a member of the seamsters Union but he couldn't mend strait.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by REHelgeson » Thu Feb 14, 2019 3:36 pm

Rich, bringing up Normalee and Pole Vaulting I can't help but think about pool old Corki Widznewski. As has been told down through the years Ernie's was the originator of Happy Hour. During that time he would serve mass quantities of Happy Sally, Frog Legs and Deep Fried Lilly Livers. Normalee who was a bit over 105 lbs when she first started dancing at Ernie's bar loved Happy Hour. She eventually was tipping the scales at 283 lbs. As we all know Deep Fried Lilly Livers can sure pack the pound on you. Anyway one Saturday night Corki was at Ernie's when Normalee started dancing with him. Out of the blue Normalee performed a Pole Vault. The witnesses said Corki's eyes got as big as saucers when he saw Normalee running at him. Corki attempted to get out of the way but Normalee was pretty quick for the sturdy women she had become. When she hit Corki they both went through the front wall of Ernie's and into the street. Corki never regained consciousness and succumbed to his injuries two days later. Such a tragedy.


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Feb 14, 2019 3:57 pm

One thing is sure, with his ample wit and sure sense of humor, KD definitely was able to keep his friends and associates in stitches. He may have needled them at times, but it was all in good fun. While Kalamity was something of a clothes horse, what with his natty top hat and the beautifully colorful shirt shown above, Cuthbert (Mad Dog) Maddox never dressed in style, although he was known to wear Seamsters' Union suits in cold weather. After he passed away, his sister, Althea Maddox McWhirter successfully sued "PlaidStallion.com" making them change the name they had initially chosen, "ZebraDunMule.com". She felt it was an affront to the mule's memory (and Cuthbert's as well) for a company to be marketing useless overalls without a proper bib, and not made of plain denim or railroad pinstripe. During court proceedings she did admit, however, that the "Do the Do Suit" could make a nice ladie's house-coat if it were just a bit longer, and that the pansy-boys modelling them looked "cute".
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Thu Feb 14, 2019 10:16 pm

So many traditions spilled into the streets and history through the doors of Ernie's ...

The back alley rock fights that began as playful fun behind Ernie's would have never
become the professional sport they are today without Ernie and a liberal splashing of
the Happy Sally.

The St. Swithen's Day week-long windup party and parade is still the biggest thing to
do in all of Calhoun County or the Tri-burg area. The sidecar piano tradition continues
to this day, although shin guards are now required:
pianosidecar.jpg
The Gooter brothers trained for years at Ernie's before dominating the mayonnaise
eating circuit for over a decade. They also took three titles of the Orange Crown, where
competitors ate oranges whole.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by mtntee20 » Thu Feb 14, 2019 10:59 pm

Yes sireee, shin guards and helmets required but cheek protectors expressly forbidden.

The Gooter brothers were also some great rock throwing competitors but didn't have the stones for it. So, they preferred the mayonnaise and oranges. Those two competitions were less painful. A little know fact about the brothers, they each dated Normalee but at different times. She's the one that got them into the orange eating. She started them on Mandarin oranges and worked up the the Florida Jumbos. I hope you don't find this hard to swallow. If so, I can get Heinrich to confirm it for us.

On one St. Swithen's day, KD was seen on a bicycle side car much the same as the photo above. He was playing the mandolin while singing a ditty about sailing the West Indian Ocean. Ernie was quoted as saying he had never dispensed so much Happy Sally on any one day in history. Must have been a grand birthday party. The quote ended with a statement about the place smelling like Hogan's goat the next day. I wonder why that was?


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by wayne sheldon » Fri Feb 15, 2019 3:28 am

Wasn't that a dirty ditty about Dotty on the dotted Lion?


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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Fri Feb 15, 2019 6:51 am

Speaking of lions. this just surfaced from a trunk found in the loft of a barn in Chugwater. There is no note on the back, but it has to have some relevance to the ongoing story?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:02 am

Herb! Thats Matt and Miss Kittey. Of course I could be lion.

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:23 am

The picture of Sandy Moody is testament to the detrimentel effect to the human physique of long term use of Happy Sally in liberal quantities while toting the bagpipe, sadly the effects were not reversible.
The few reports that have survived the years make mention of a strong suggestion that tha bagpipe playing community had great hopes of making the bagpipe more popular when the flatulence business took off, in hindsight it was nothing but hot air.
Personally, after three pages of Hullabaloo i tend to think that this KD character is full of wind.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:55 am

Has anyone heard the Squamish score from last night?

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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Feb 15, 2019 9:32 am

Only a partial score came in: 87.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Raoul von S. » Fri Feb 15, 2019 10:06 am

The square root of 87 is orange, if the stories are true.

That reminds me of a report in the 05 Aug. 1905 edition of the Fecklersburg Fantastical that
said Kalamity had taken contract to work with the Tri-State lumbering syndicate Boofaloni Bros.
to develop a tree with square roots, limbs, and trunk, in an effort to eliminate the need for
dimensional sawing. While no other mention is made, as late as the 13 Jan. 1917 edition, the
forestal evidence seems to suggest all talk of square roots and such never got past the mathmatical
stage, unless of course, there are square trees growing somewhere we have never heard of. Anyone ?
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Feb 15, 2019 10:41 am

Gale force winds of 70mph with gusts up to 110mph through Wyoming yesterday forced Squamish promoters to cancel most of yesterday's games. Playoffs have been postponed until the annual St. Swithin's Day Squamish Regatta which will be held this year in Saddlestring, Wyo.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Feb 15, 2019 2:10 pm

To get back to Herb's question, the photo is probably from the St. Swithin's Day play "Barney get your Gun". The hit song " There's a fine lion between a Cowboy and his Sweetheart" a duet featuring Sandy Moody and Normalee. RCA recording B77164 if you are keeping score. Skippy Spaydaford was understudy for the part of Rasputin and Arlo Guthrie had the lead. Sam Blotchenferk produced the musical comedy in 1934 but it was lost in the same fire.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Feb 15, 2019 2:50 pm

Thanks for that, Rich. A fine reminder of how the traditional St. Swithin's Day celebrations have enrichened our culture.

Picking up where the discussion has branched out, Raoul's information that KD was under contract to produce trees with square roots, trunks, branches, etc., as early as 1905 is of great interest, as it predates by several years his partnership with Cuthbert Maddox. The 1917 report that the project never got past mathematical theory is certainly correct. Cuthbert had volunteered to take up the project as Kalamity was deeply invested in other experiments and developmental prototypes. Being somewhat math challenged (most of his peers recollect that Cuthbert had to take off both boots in order to count to 20) he began to ride into Rawlins weekly to take a remedial math course after hours from Miss Aspidistra Larkvonnet, the local school marm. He never got as far as studying square roots, and so the lumber project was abandoned. He mounted his horse, galloped out of town, and never returned after she posed this story problem for him to solve, and then revealed the correct answer:
-- "If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many eggs will she lay in a year ?" --
The answer, of course, is around 240-260. Cuthbert was no chicken farmer, and didn't see that coming. Mathematics can be mighty mysterious for the uninitiated.
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Re: The Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Feb 15, 2019 2:53 pm

It all sounds complicated to me. I heard that there were times he could count to twenty-one.
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