MTFCA Forum

Round about 1919 Kalamity met a guy named Joe Jackson who had a problem with his shoes. Never one to know of a problem and let it go without a resolution Kalamity worked on a fix. Here we see what he called the hobnail sneakers. They were used for stealing bases, as can be seen here at one of the unused Army bases after WWI. The model is Knute Wallaby. Knute didn't want anything to do with stealing bases, but Kalamity needed to test the shoes. Kalamity learned of Knute's need for a job in the footwear industry. He had been involved in something called the black sox scandal and needed a job so he got this job with KD. KD knew of his situation and really had him over a barrel. They remained in contact over the years and Knute was his assistant on several projects.

Beulah Pinani, author of Who Eats Toast ? and founder of the International Eaters
of Pancakes Bureau, when asked about the above subject, was heard to reply:

"Rockne's pretty knute, you know"

She went on to form the Volunteer Ambulance Corps that serves the Tri-burg
area to this day.

Cuthbert "Mad Dog" Maddox raised a toast to Beulah in Ernie's Saloon, but the bread was moldy. It's a good thing she had already formed the ambulance corpse. Cuthbert escaped with minor latherations and confusions. The incident inspired Beulah to write the book, "Who Eats Toast ?" When Ernie read it, he threw the book at her, but she had made her point. Fearful from nearly losing his best customer to a raging case of the moldy scours, Ernie made sure all the bread was freshly made ever after. Cuthbert forgave Ernie and kept up his custom of eating breakfast at Ernie's saloon daily and twice on Sunday. Ernie made amends by keeping his coffee mug filled with Happy Sally at no extra charge.

Ernie's place sure was a constant source of shortlived dramas, wasn't it ?

Heinrich just came by on the afternoon train and dropped off a steamer trunk
of historical values. I will post as I have time and research allows.

This first photo shows one of the alien discs common to the era, laying eggs
into a telephone pole along Guerneguagenanvilplatzenhammer street in the
Upper Terrace. The Fecklersburg Gazette, 21 May 1918 stated this was becoming
a chonic problem for the townfolk. By mid-June, Ernesto Del Oreo had been
summoned from Jalisco to eradicate the invaders. Ernesto's TT can be seen in
the background, as he used it to create a distraction, in order to get a closer
shot. The photo is undated, but we all know where assumptions get us.

It is truly amazing the information one can find when not looking for it. 47 wombats were mated before it was discovered before it was realized that without 600 weight gear oil the eggs would never hatch.

Another of Dick’s acquaintances was the actor Homondo Rainje who appeared in the Antelope play with Selthomas Herd and Dee Skory-Gene Ward on the Skyzarnod Kloudious day.

Speaking of that, not many remember how the previous incident inspired the play "Breakfast at Ernie's" which was followed by the movie. Homondo Rainje had the lead in that one, starring alongside Audrey Heartburn. Sisal and Egbert gave the film ten thumbs.

Wasn't that about the same time that Kalamity Dick invented the Collide-a-Scope that was used to measure skid marks in the dirt roads when investigating accidents?

Raoul von S. wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 03, 2019 2:36 pm

Beulah Pinani, author of Who Eats Toast ? and founder of the International Eaters
of Pancakes Bureau, when asked about the above subject, was heard to reply:

"Rockne's pretty knute, you know"


KDknute.jpg

She went on to form the Volunteer Ambulance Corps that serves the Tri-burg
area to this day.

If you look closely at the photo of Beulah you may notice the power disk in her chest that everyone seem to think was the original inspiration for Tony Stark's device in his transformation into "Iron Man".

There is also a pull ring under her ear. You pull it and she talks. You can also pull her finger.....

On one of Dick's excursions he found and sciuridae badly beaten by renegade parakeets. He nursed the little fellow back to health and they became fast friends. Chippley, as he became known, liked to hide in the Raceabout transmission but the oil became rather disgusting. With a little training Dick found that if he drained the oil out and flushed it with some Happy Sally his new friend could weave kite string into the bands and thereby avoid the need for replacing them. Regular string was not sufficient. Tweezers made the job go quickly. One Summer the two did 63 transmissions for friends and relatives. They planned to do more but an unexpected free start turned Chippley into dog meat. Hennessy did manage to take this photo before the mishap. Dick searched for a successor but was never able to replace him.

Too bad about Chippley. I understand the Rottenweiler Dick's neighbor owned somehow took charge of the remains, but as Chippley had spent his entire career with KD thorughly drenched in crank-case oil, the unfortunate canine died of poisoning, after ingesting Chippley's remains. Dick was philosophical about the loss. During his time in Tibet, he had encountered a great ape who was a Bhuddist. They traveled together until the simian made a wrong turn in Katmandu. "Not the first time I lost a chimp-monk." Dick quipped.

Not a lot has been said about KD's involvement in animal husbandry and his development
of the two legged cat. By 1940, they were all over Chugwater and Fecklersburg, on account
of Bernie Gaggle leaving a backdoor ajar while delivering Spucilli seed to the lab at the back
of the vestibule factory. Here we see the afternoon train at the south end of the yards with
a herd of feral 2-legged cats, being fed by none other that Emil Concrete and two others from
the band.

Dick was sidetracked with the bi-legged felidae venture. His training led him to follow the loco motive and express his ideas without being a freight. Emil, the conductor of the band, coached Axel and Gage to stay on track. They were a couple of highballers and knuckleheads with tender hearts to say the least. Feeding the cats was always a switch but a bout with the flue was terminal for Axel.
Good to hear from you Burger.
Grate picture.
Rich

We wake up to the mating calls of the two legged cat. Our neighbors out west from our place have a whole herd of the things. Wish he could train them to hunt the squirrels that roost in our trees and steal our avocados. The 45-70 govt buffalo gun works well, but the local constabulary complains about the noise.

Ah, Thomas. Back to the .45-70 Govt. round. When the felidae infestation hit Medicine Bow, Cuthbert unlimbered his old trap-door Springfield to thin out the varmints. Results were unsatisfying at close range, as not much more than fangs and claws were left. Finly he found he could pot them at 200 yards, which left some edible parts. Cuthbert claimed they tasted a lot like chicken.

I saw this one down by the river this morning.

This one looks like a tree nester, but many are burrowing, and undermine the quay that
Cuthbert built with his brothers, after the big flood. While one of KD's more enduring
accomplishments, the locals are none too happy with this one.

.....must have scared the hell out of Raoul as I notice he's gone,.....(:^)

Is that one of the Katzenjammers pets?
It sure looks like it got jammed!
How is the Captain doing?

Herb, at last report the Captain is on the mend. Seems he was stove up pretty bad after his sloop ran aground. That was owing to the collapse of the quay The Maddox brothers built. Of course it was the fault of the burrowing two-legged felidae.

Haroldo,

Raoul is everywhere, and he is nowhere.

Rogelio came through on the evening train, dropping off the HCCT that I purchased
over a year ago. We talked a bit before he had to press on to Missoula. This reminded
me of the box of values Heinrich dropped off last week. I had some time still tonight
to farkle through the gubbins and found this gem. Caption says KD's regional branch
office for the vestibule factory was housed in the building we see at right. Oklahoma
law still prohibited the open sales of vestibules, especially to minors, so the company
created a shell operation of cottonseed oil cake and meal to divert suspicion from the
OVP (Oklahoma Vestibule Police). KD's speedster can be seen toward the left side of
the photo. Just to the right of the telegraph pole we see KD's first attempt at building
a large group skateboard, capable of entire groups from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow
Church Sunday School to ride into town together to get ice cream after the Wedneday
evening service. As Pastor Bromskelter was caught up in the Uvula League scandal,
attendance dropped, and the skateboard project found itself being used to transport
giant pancakes around the yard (seen stacked to left). This operation is still a going
concern, with production expanding into the lucrative podium market after the war.

This photo was taken after the big ditch project was completed.

Interesting how there is still a large market for lucrative podiums. I guess the market varies between the lucrative ones and the filthy lucrative ones depending on which side of the tracks they are going to. The black market for illicit vestibules is still there, but the vestibule police have better ways to find them now that they have gotten night vision beer goggles after researching the two legged cats optical capabilities at the local saloon.
I wonder if the producers are still oiling the cotton. It probably does make the looms run quieter.

Obviously the two windmills in the foreground powered the factory. The single vane was an effort to keep the RPMs low with the violent winds incurred when the trains whizzed by. 2092 was my favorite as the click in the armature kept rhythm with "Minnie The Moocher". As a kid we walked the tracks picking up pine-cones. Those were the days.

Many thanks for that report Burger. And the photo cleared up many questions Sebastian had been pestering Heinrich about. He missed the train in Miss-oula but telegraphed he's on his way back to the Institute on a long board. I guess it's all downhill from there.

I am pretty excited about the recently brought-to-light information being turned up
by Heinrich and Sebastian ! Only happy to pass it along.

Heinrich's visit was a real eye opener this time. He said he's uncovered evidence
that Peter Piper and his brother Percival perfected the podium as a tool for growing
the perfect peach. They placed podiums in their orchard and gave motivational
speeches to the trees. This was in 1901, long before Peter had taken to picking
pickled peppers. He sold the rights to KD and associates upon the apparent failure
of the speeches to aid the peaches and focused on the pickled peppers. The Master
Log Book shows Rich has a photo of Peter at the peach tree podium pulpit delivering
his famous "I have a pit !" sermon to the orchard.

No podium but this is he.

That photo shows Peter wearing Abe Lincoln's particulate jacket and Percival's two-
tone beard, in front of the brothers' grapetree orchard, just before harvest. Which
explains the jacket, as Peter was Master of Ceremonies for the Chugwater Regatta
that year.

I would love to be able to take a trip like that some day!

Well. We have found out that this format CAN be overloaded to the point I cannot get it to completely load through my slow "not quite a DSL" connection.
Maybe KD needs to complete the Flying Fiber Flinger Function and adapt it to the modern internet?

Well, alrighty then ! .... wasn't that a pleasant break from all the seriousness of
historical fiction !

From the recently delivered trunk of values from Heinrich:


Caption reads: Kalamity Dick's wagon, out on the old Fecklersburg Road.

Sebastian says KD kept the wagon as a way to get away with his thoughts when
challenged by complicated problems or to escape the clutches of wayward women
or the spells of seductive enchantresses, of which there were many in the Upper
Chugwater Basin.

Grunda Frumunda gave KD the chase for 40 years before those cherry-flavored
cigars took her out of the game. There were many others trying to get their hooks
into this man of wonder.

All that wagon really needed was a TT hooked to the front and KD would have been able to escape to wherever he wanted to go.

And I thought that wagon was my high speed splinternet?

This is another outstanding historical photo from Heinrich. Although not shown in this exact photo, KD often climbed the pole to "hack" into the high speed telegraph lines. Thus, he could send telegraphs and telexes without having to pay for them. Often, he would send them to Grunda excusing himself from her latest engagement.

On another, but related item, we'll have to ask Heinrich if he can find a copy of the Morisey code KD used when hacking the telegraph. KD based his Morisey code on the famous and widely used Morse code but it was completely different. KD devised his code to appear to be random contacts of the telegraph wires, as they might have been blown in the wind. Thus, the telegraphers would never know if it was code or just blowing wind. And so, the telegraph police never caught KD hacking the system. They were close one time, but KD saw them coming from a mile away and was able to hide all the gear well before they arrived. I'm sure the Happy Sally they all shared had nothing to do with the incident. It was said, the lights in the wagon were on all night, along with the music from the grammerphone playing. Being out in the wilds, no one complained.

Speaking of the ladies, I don't believe this is Grunda but certainly an old flame. Does anyone know the story?

I believe that is Shirley Youjest, who was a member of the Happy Sally Underground. Famous throughout the northwest as a purveyor of pub accessories.

Looks like Eulinda Swinetrotter, but it could be any one of her 17 sisters.
They all looked alike. The Swinetrotters were well known for running many
of the mushroom stands along the highway, and racing boll weevils, when
that was in vogue. Remember the big boll weevil sign down by the Chugwater
bridge ?

Their involvement in the mushrooms stands was considered pure treachery
by many, as the boys in the family ran Dr. Pleasant's Gastrointestinal Clinics
in both Chugwater and Fecklersburg. Kinda like Phillip Morris running cancer
clinics.

First, a word on KD's "wagon hideaway". What started out as a simple sheep-camp grew into the double-length, two-story wheeled edifice shown in the photo as Dick added rooms and improvements. Mobility was a problem. There's no documentation, but the length of the wagon tongue indicates the truth to rumors that KD had to telegraph Cuthbert to bring down a six-horse hitch of Percherons when he wanted to move the wagon.

I believe the lady in the second photo is Shirley Knott. Shirley worked as a stunt double for Eulinda Swinetrotter in the two silent movies she made in 1913. Kalamity preferred her company as it kept Eulinda busy squabbling with her sisters, accusing them of "trying to move in on 'her' man". Shirley's resemblance to the Swinetrotter sisters made the deception possible. Dick never got serious with any woman, however. His rapid fire jokes and odd sense of humor seemed to end most of his romances in time. We suppose he had the last laugh.

Thanks Jason. Kalamity would have loved to have that much information on hand. You will remember Kalamity could rebuild a transmission in his sleep and often did so. I seem to remember he and Herm often disagreed over tail shaft bushing specs. Herm insisted on using bronze while Kalamity infused vanadium vapor into yellow aluminum using the Vanbockel method. This did use a lot of helium but the Sptugal trees out in back replenished this pretty much. Dick also lobbied for quadruple gears to replace the triple gears but Henry pointed out it would require more pins. He also pointed out a good man with a file made the reamers obsolete. I won't go into the balancing details as he was a little off balance and I'm trying to keep this from getting too wordy.
Thanks as always for your interest.
Rich

Then there was the afternoon that Kalamity had some frustrations with the Ford transmission. Explaining the workings to the common man was often beyond him. He tried to put it in simple terms for Hennessy. Transfer flux and cubic ohms just didn't get the point across.
Then there was the ongoing argument with Cuthbert on whether the triple gears were called that because there were three sets of teeth on each gear or because there were three of the units. They even made a trip to Dearborn to ask Henry himself. After waiting outside his office for two days for him to come out they asked him their question. He quickly brushed by them and said "You mean the planetary gears?"
Kalamity also experimented with a brass band for his own T but alas the trombone never did fit right and the drums were too loud. He reversed the flutes on the tail shaft but he still could find third gear.
Perhaps that is partly why he never ate broccoli again.

By popular request (over a dozen) , I have moved this thread off the main forum.

Other topics that disrupt the main forum will be moved here as well.

Jeff

Thanks Jeff. I'm sure they will be enjoyed by many who might miss them here.
Always in your debt.
Rich

I am confused. I know you are just "doing your job", as it gets put upon you. And
I understand the thankless nature of being an admin. But can you clarify something
for me ?

We got another dump of snow today. I was scheduled to troubleshoot leaks in a
roof, and that is pretty much down the drain until I have a dry roof to isolate the
problem areas. This is what I call a "disruption". That snow, covering the roof, melting
off, creating random water everywhere is throwing the proverbial "monkey wrench"
in my plans and schedule. I cannot do my job. My plans are thoroughly disrupted.

Are we to believe this thread disrupts the main forum in a similar fashion ? Or is
there another meaning for the word "disrupt" ?

I really don't give a rip where this threads gets filed, and thusly, this is in no way
a complaint ..... but I am curious how others find it "disruptive" or otherwise. And,
disirregardlessly what the answer is here, I thank you for giving this misinformative
and absurd historical exercise in imaginative "creativity" a special place for the misfits
of the forum to play.

There is a report in the 16 Sept. 1931 edition of "Chugwater Living", saying
KD leased the wagon to "the old gypsy woman" as a place to tell fortunes, when
he was not using it himself.

In other news, the entire Upper Terrace took on life when Kalamity first forayed
into the world of animal husbandry, training moles and gophers to dig irrigation
ditches and tunnels to bring water to the arid landscape. This photo, dated 1895,
shows the Pispacattiquauttimawken Trench being cut through the area Peter and
Percival Piper would soon be picking pickled peppers.


Because of the roadside mushroom stand boom, and subsequent explosion of
related businesses, demand for housing pushed outward as fast as the moles and
gophers could dig the trench.

KD's trusted Superintendent Humberto Zimmeroski is seen reviewing the day's work.

[flash=][/flash]

Burger in Spokane wrote: ↑

Tue Mar 12, 2019 5:07 pm

I am confused. I know you are just "doing your job", as it gets put upon you. And
I understand the thankless nature of being an admin. But can you clarify something
for me ?

I’m a volunteer, so this isn’t a job. I do it because I have the skill set to make it all work and happen to enjoy helping folks. And during all this, I’m the CEO of a 75 person company. Across 3 states. so I really don’t have time to respond to dozens of complaints. So, you can’t please all the people all the time but if we can please most of the folks most of the time then that reduces the stuff I have to do.

Chris and I literally get dozens of emails every week we have to respond to. Sometimes we take the path of least resistance.

Jeff

LOL .... yeah ...

I have to clean the cat box. I don't get paid to do it, so I guess that makes me a volunteer too,
... because I volunteered to have a cat. I get the less-than-fun with the good parts. Regardless
of pay, it's still "my job". I totally understand where you're coming from. Thanks for the straight
answer. And thanks for volunteering.

Burger in Spokane wrote: ↑

Tue Mar 12, 2019 5:07 pm

I thank you for giving this misinformative and absurd historical exercise in imaginative "creativity" a special place for the misfits of the forum to play.

I fall squarely into that category as well so.... it's my pleasure.

Jeff

In 1919, brothers Hoot, Buck, and Lorenzo Finklestein opened the Hammond Ranch
General Store along the tracks of the Chugwater & Northern line to Fecklersburg.
This was at the high point of parakeet ranching, and the line handled three cars a
day, both inbound and out. The "Office" reference was something of an inside joke
amongst the ranch hands, as the stove was always warm and the choice of Blatz
Beer for Expectant Mothers or Happy Sally was always on tap. Live music was often
heard from the mushroom stand, just out of sight to the right. Glutial Cleft was the
house band. Band Leader "Groot" Grootnig took 16th in the State finals on kazoo
during his senior year.

Note KD's face and seal at the lower left corner of the Blatz ad. No one at the
Institute has found a connection for this yet.

==============

Why can't we have more of this type of advertising today? Moms need beer for their babies.

This appears to be Buck Finklestein visiting Kalamity Dick at the wagon during that time. Some coincedence that Dick had bought it from some wayward women in the first place. Or was it third or forth place?
Hard to keep score at this point. The fact that Dick pulled it with a real Model T (although modified) almost gives it credibility on a Model T sponsored discussion form.
Or not.
Best wishes to all.
Rich

Sans the smoke, that sure looks like a few people one sees around the Antique Auto Ranch !

This photo was in the trunk that Heinrich dropped off. Caption reads: Piper Pickled Pepper Picking
& Packing Plant, Palisades. They had a connection with the Chugwater & Northern that tied in with
the mainline down by the river.

Up the canyon, the land flattens out and KD's logging operations for supplying the vestibule factory
were established. The company pioneered renewable forestry in the Chugwater basin with eliptical
thrombulatory contraction and tonsic ventricles - both conceived by KD while living in the basement
under Ernie's.

The Piper brothers also operated the Mansfield Mining, Mercantile, & Mortuary Co. in the little town
there.

Going back one post, that surely is Bud Finkelstein, and it must be in KD's wagon retreat as you can clearly see the lathe behind him to his left. Bud was a close friend of Cuthbert's, and a time or two obliged him by bringing Cuthbert's team of six down to move Kalamity's wagon. Bud owned a racehorse he had named "Wayward Woman". Coincidentally, the mare always ran fourth. I don't know if there's any connection to previous owners of KD's wagon. Any help would be welcome !

As for the Pipers and their "4-M" corporation, few nowadays remember the tremendous success they had marketing a pressure-sensitive mending tape they had dubbed "Irish Tape". Just goes to show how fickle the buying public can be. When a rival concern brought out a similar product, plagiarizing the Piper effort in almost every regard, it immediately outsold "Irish Tape" leaving 4-M Corp. stuck with tons of unsold product. Peter refused to seek legal remedies saying he did not wish to get involved with all the red tape that would be necessary. 4-M went into receivership soon after. Why was the competitive brand more successful ? Only because customers associated the sound the tape made as it was pulled off the roll with the name . . . sssscotcccchh !

In the days after the war, Emil Schlorngorten's store was the place for the Fecklersburg
men to congregate in the mornings and solve the world's problems.

It is town legend that the idea of harvesting whale's eye mucus (combined with floor sweepings)
to make fake potato chips in a can was conceived upstairs here. The ponds above Rosalia are still
there.

Ahh, the beauty of the old filling station. Part of the fun to be had there was in the use of the lovely diving platform along side of the porch roof. Would have been more fun had they only added the pool that was on the original plans for the place. They tried backing the TT up to the porch and filling the bed with drain oil, but people had too much trouble getting out of the bed when they were coated with the oil.

Why are fractions not the best way to solve Agora Moons?

Tom,

It's because moons only work in phases and do not understand fractions. Anyway, that's how Kalamity explained it in his treatise on Moons Over Business.

Don't feel lost, I don't understand it either and I have read the treatise several times.

Good Luck,
Terry

Possibly chemtrails?
This photo was taken at Ernie's the night Ed Hickey got spiffed and Elwood and Harvey put him into a cab. I thought the world of Ed too.

That looks like Shirley's sister Esmeralda sitting at the far end of the bar. I remember that she could cause the best of men to get spiffed. Don't know about that leg in the foreground, but it may belong to her cousin Gigabella, (Giggy for short). From the little memory I have left these days I believe she was the one who caused me to fall off of the proverbial wagon back in January of '08. From what I have heard of that incident I had one heck of a fun night.

Could have been Giggy, or it could have been her brother Bruce. Bruce had a thing for
"being pretty" and had a little surprise for many an outa-towner when the Happy Sally
flowed too freely. The locals considered it sport to see if the tourist would "swing for the
fence" with Bruce, often placing wagers into three figures. The influx of participants and
viewers for the Chugwater Regatta was a crazy time for Bruce and the odds men around
town.

=================================================

Heinrich's trunk of values gave up this shot today. No caption was with it, but many will
recognize the Morrow Block building. Furrow Murrow pioneered the husnegaggen plastograph
from his basement lab after Kalamity Dick and he brainstormed some ideas together at Ernie's.
When Furrow built his new building, local signmakers were experiencing a drought of vowels
after a poor spring crop, and were unable to provide a "U", so an "O" was used instead. Heinrich
pointed out that it shows the Chugwater & Northern line to KD's vestibule factory. I see the
overhead catenary, which fed the trolley that ran between the factory and Ernie's for the lunch
hour special. Perhaps others can add details ?

Ernie's for lunch! What a treat that would be.
Don't get me wrong Burger. I have always enjoyed your posts no matter how radical. Just a word to the wise. I see you inadvertently posted a photo of Model Ts on the "OFF TOPIC" Site. I am open minded to this but am sure some would be offended to see Model Ts on the "OFF TOPIC" site. Model Ts should be shown on the "ON TOPIC" site. Surely some "OFF TOPIC" folks will be upset by "ON TOPIC" photos. You know how they are.
This is in connection to Kalamity Dick so there may be some justification. Perhaps a special Kalamity Dick Model T only site could be added to the menu for these types of photos. You may notice that Kalamity Dick contributors have been careful to keep "ON TOPIC" off and "OFF TOPIC" on since the previous inquisition.
Like I said, I am totally open minded about most things but would hate to see this cause some kind of a problem.
P. S. The squamish tournament in Belgium was cancelled on account of Waffles.
Rich

Rich, to solve that difficulty, I'm sure our moderators could put this thread in a special place called "off and on topics". The whole thread could automatically switch to the main area when model Ts are mentioned or pictured, and back again into the closet when important news like the following is posted. Where's Perry Kete anyhow ? Did he fly the coop ?

Rich,

If I had a time machine, I would cleanse those scenes of On Topic objects, so as to relieve
those so unjust disrupted by the inconsistencies of their traumas. But we all know that time
travel is just a fiction at this point, so I am left helpless to save them from the horrors of on
topic things in the backgrounds of period photos.

Options though, ... might include photoshopping the offending on topic items from the old
photos. Or perhaps, calling them something they ain't, thereby relieving those troubled by
such things of further stress ? One thing is for sure, a pro-active approach is usually the best
way to go. I think we should take a vote at thenext meeting, don't you ?

I am too distracted right now. I just learned in another thread that Heinrich Himmler is now
doing internet porn, raising the inevitable pholosophical question amongst minds more scholarly
than mine, how low can a guy go ?

Just a heads up on past contributors. I had gotten telegrams from both Perry and Herb and they are fine. Herb's computer balks each time the naked piano player appears and takes several weeks to reset. Perry has been caring for a relative and chimes in when he can. Alfred got caught in the webbing between the "ON TOPIC' and "OFF TOPIC" site and has ordered a Swiss Army Knife to extract himself.
I received a folder of detailed photos of KD's Model T Raceabout but can't decide which site to post them on. "ON TOPIC" or "OFF TOPIC" I'll probably just burn them with the Giggy and Bruce photos.
Merry Christmas to those of you who believe.
Rich

Well, I'm back!
It took some searching to find you guys.
I guess I was too busy looking for the mason jar on Funk and Wagnell's porch.
I did come up with this send-off photo of the one man wash tub race that was held out back of Ernie's one day. At least I think that is what it is. Correct me if I am wrong.
Has anyone ever heard how this turned out?

That is Funk and Wagnell's porch. We know that Bernard came in second. After the crash at 3rd street the race was relocated to chapter 9.
May I use this photo for the newsletter?
Rich

I cannot verify this without a return telegram from Heinrich, but this looks suspiciously
like the story he told of early efforts around the Calhoun County to develop an interweb,
in order to expedite sales from Funkbunkler's Mercantile and other merchants in Chugwater,
Fecklersburg, and other communities in the Chugwater Valley. An early attempt to deliver
babies by mail failed, because the delivery time was so slow, the babies arrived as full grown
adults, as we see here, the box being opened and a man climbing out.

That picture was taken just after the Chugwater Valley Rent-A-Seance Pleasure Faire, Parakeet Races and Washtub Olympics. The crew was well lubricated on Happy Sally and well padded with the Budgerigar feathers. History shows that they got through the whole weekend without any serious injuries, but the pair of medics were called out to perform first aid after Funkbunkler was hit in the eye with the cork from a celebratory bottle of Champagne.

Tub racing has been on my bucket list for some time. If you ever have made old fenders you may have noticed the similarities those wash tubs have. The sheet metal is rolled around a wire and crimped in place. The rings around the circumference are similar to the beads in a T fender. These made them both ridged and flexible at the same time. When we compare it to barrel racing at Coopersville we see fewer deaths on record. Splinters and wine stains. Oh My!
Almost time for the noon train.
Rich

Now that I reflect upon it I think the tub might have been used during the lion training sessions. You were told to stand still and play guess who? A lion would lick your ear. When you turned around the wash tub would come into play.
Anyone want to play around of it?

Up the alley and across the sewer trench from Ma Fromberg's place and the vestibule factory,
the Uvula League built this smart building on the corner of Marshall Ave and N. Scaspifficassy.
Popularity of the product forced the League to build the boarding house beyond to house the
visiting dignitaries. Here we see Buck Futz grooming the dirt street of bumps with his 1906 Winkler
sportabout tonneau in the days leading up to the Chugwater Regatta as the Calhoun County Auto
Club looks on.

I'm ever indebted to Burger, Herb, and all the contributors who find these old photos. You can rest assured Sebastian has been diligent using micro-Fitch to convert these images to the Institute's files. His dandruff is almost cured now too.

Some may complain that a photo of Buck levelling the roadway with his '06 Winkler is "off topic" and should be removed to yet another shelf in the sideboard, but you'll recall how some of Buck's story relates directly to our main topic, by adding important detail to Kalamity Dick's adventures. Not only that, but in this photo, you'll notice the sign beside the new Uvula League Building advertising the "Snow Hotel". Just a few weeks prior to the date of this photo, Kalamity Dick had taken rooms in the "Snow Hotel" where he stayed all that winter, from the 3rd of December until Mid-March, when rapid thawing began to make a mess of his blueprints and prototype drawings. The Snow Hotel was a four-storey structure constructed entirely of snow by an itinerant Eskimo who managed to make enough during his four-months venture in the hospitality trade to retire to an igloo a little south-east of Nome. This is notable, as records indicate Dick perfected most of the working theory for the first model kaphistulator during his stay there. Regrettably, no photos of the "Snow Hotel" before it melted entirely away are known to exist. Perhaps one may yet turn up ?

Back to the photo, I see Buck's dog "Tige" riding on the sport tonneau. Tige was very protective of Buck and his '06 Winkler. He never allowed anyone to ride in that "mother-in-law seat". A gentle and friendly dog otherwise, he would growl and show his teeth if anyone approached to mount to the "MIL" seat, though he was perfectly happy to let anyone ride up front with Buck, and would spend most of the journey licking the passenger's ears. Not surprisingly, a number of folks were thus dissuaded from accepting rides from Buck. When the Winkler's muffler bearings finally blew out, the resulting back-pressure warped all the exhaust valves, and Buck was forced to retire the car, as no repair parts were available. He put it up on jack-stands, and with a few straw bales around it, the car made an admirable dog-house for Tige.

I am indebted to Heinrich for entrusting me with this trunk of values and all
the fantastic stuff inside.


Slim and Shoebox Farguaard were the two eldest sons of Herm and Zuhlinda
(nee Zonskowski) Farguaard. Ma and Pa took up melon farming on the Upper
Terrace after Kalamity dug the big ditch. Slim and Shoebox used this delivery
doodle, built from KD's discard pile in the alley, to provide rapid delivery of melons
all across the Tri-burg area. Their success was so great that the Melon Temple
was built in their honor.

You may recall the Farguaard family Sedan. Many trips took the whole gang to the Melon Temple and back until the Thomcat scare in '47.

Not to be confuzed with Zuhlinda's Coupe.

The lads went too far short-coupling another doodle delivery they built. The front and rear tires were set close enough to touch, so when in gear, the front wheels turned backward, and vice versa when in reverse: this development turned melon deliveries inside-out, so Ma and Pa branched out into growing lemons. There's a connection here somewhere but I don't quite get it ?? The Farguaard family was also notable for hosting card parties where they played with a deck of 48 cards.

Digging through the trunk again, I found this shot with a caption mentioning
Giggy's brother Bruce again. This was from a photoshoot for the cover of Granite
Slurry Review. Bruce had just had all his teeth pulled and was growing his beard
out.

The shot was taken at Rocky Reach, on the Chugwater between the whale ponds
and the 60 foot statue of Saint Urquardt made of solid Grade A butter. The No.2
pencil was invented here, as well as the spiral bound notebook.

Survey said: City Mock-Jet

This is Giggy singing "Swingin' Down The Lane" for Slim and Shoebox at Ernie's on a Friday night in May. They had just finished replexicating the Hupmobile transjector. Several splines had come unwound and pistoling was required. A hunting trip was planned the next morning at the base of Rocky Reach. I just thought it might be an appropriate time to share this.
Rich

I believe that is a picture of Kate Smiths sister.
She and Kate would dress up in their parakeet feathered fan dancing outfits and put on a show at Ernie's place. I believe the song "When The Moon Comes Over The Mountain" was written right after a major costume failure. I think Ernie said all of the feathers just fell off the back of her outfit and the rest is history.

Tail feathers for sure. Ernie always was a clever plucker.

Kate and Giggy were no intellectual slouches. Both built kaphistulators of their own design
after KD shared the basic theory with them over a tub of Happy Sally in Ernie's basement. It
was said both gals could evunculate at a pitch above a high C in any weather, but when the
moon came over the mountain, storms were a-brewin' !

I just received this in an email: It seems KD influence lives on!

No question the influence lives on. Just take a trip up the Chugwater Valley today
and the evidence is everywhere you look.

As for the Flux Capacitor, citing all six sources, it proved beyond all question that
the 1980's were the all-time low point for American culture. One needs not be any
sort of David Hasselhoff to understand this.

Getting back to more serious research and revelation ....


Zebulon L. Bronkowitz was the station agent at Silver Plume. He and Kalamity Dick
built their speedsters together before the railroad posted Zeb out at the end of the line.
Kalamity used the connection to secure tranport of loads of Farklenite from nearby mines
and smelters for use in the vestibule base coasters. It was said that KD's vestibules slid
along, as if gliding on air. The same ratchets used on the kaphistilator proved perfect
for engaging/disengaging the coasters, making placement easy for even a small child.

The skinny guy back by the train looks like Farmsnaggle Grumpworth, well known around the Chugwater area as one of the best badminton players in the northwest quadrant. Those were the days when badminton was played with live parakeets for the birds. He was later discredited for using goldfinches in a championship match and ended his life digging sewage trenches in North Dakota.

We can certainly see the blood spatter above the shadow from a recent "Badminton" game. They tried to change the name to "Goodminton" and use chipmunks but it was too late too appease the weak stomach Kastimonians. Zebulon's Runabout merely had two waterpumps so the radiator often fowled. That charming station was converted to a BurgerQueen just a few years ago.
Take the left hallway.
Rich

Note that Zeb's headlights are keyed in with the steering, as the road to Silver
Plume is notoriously corkscrewed. Heinrich says the box from which this set up
was procured is still preserved in the collection at the Humptulips Archive Station.
Kalamity Dick was pressed for time when they built this car, and urged Zeb to order
the pre-engineered unit from Funkbunkler's on G street.

Also of note, number 7 pulled the daily mixed into Silver Plume this day with Piocene
Revalta at the throttle and Gump Worseley slinging coal. On board were The Seven,
sent from the Marshal's Office in Medicine Bow to clean up the last of the Hoozits Gang,
holed up in Rolling Rock Gulch, above Silver Plume.

I see the telegraph repairman is still hanging around.
"Obstacles may be closer than they appear." This was taken the very same day that Kalamity Dick happened across Cuthbert who had been thrown by the bronco mule. We recall Dick was seeking a shortcut to the infirmary and found the pathway too narrow. By the time the two had lifted the Runabout clear Cuthbert was feeling much better. Stopping at Matilda's "Food for Less" they became fast friends. Less was out of town but the meal was satisfactory never the less. You can see the radical similarities in the two Runabouts.

Was Matilda's "Food For Less" in operation before, after, or during the time she had
the Mediocre Food for Reasonable Prices joint 3 doors down from Ernies ?

Kalamity had a reputation for not seeing the forest OR the trees.

Big news tonight ! Turned up these two photos from the trunk that Heinrich left a
few weeks back. The first one shows the largest kaphistulator KD ever built. The year
was 1921. It is believed this is the only surviving photo of this structure before the
fire destroyed it. It stood 590 feet tall with a launch deck of 700 usable feet. Like
the rest, the ratchets were entirely mechanical, with drums some 21 feet in diameter.
While never tested to its full potential, in tests run, it could sling a car like KD's speedster
into orbit and small houses across the length of Chugwater Lake.

As most know, the fire that started when the crew polishing the kaphistulator's base,
left their linseed oil soaked rags in a pile by the mushroom stand. The rags spontaneously
combusted, igniting the mushroom gas from partakers of the mushrooms, and the conflagration
burned much of the Euclid Block and surrounding business district to the ground.


Here we see linemen from the Calhoun County Power, Traction, and Light Co. cutting the outfeed
wires from the kaphistulator to the system after the structure had burned. It was a low point for
the Tri-burg area. KD was devastated.

Word has it Euclid block was evacuated after the fire due to smoke from the steam pump that put the fire out.
The poor lineman up a pole without a ladder. I have used those climbing spikes and those fellas are real men to do that every day.

An interesting side-bar to this wonderful information on the world's largest kaphistulator is that Euclid Erastus Block (1835-1920) was a pioneer settler who helped to lay out and survey the original Chugwater townsite in the early days. Of course, the Euclid Block was named for him. That impressive brick building housed his successful "wet goods" business for many years. A visionary who realized the diversity of aquatic enterprises that Chugwater Lake would ultimately support, rather than deal in traditional dry-goods, Euclid's geometric approach to marketing basic necessities made him a wealthy man at the time of his death. His sons who succeeded him in the business, Harvey Otis Block and Remington Orville Block, lost everything in the kaphistulator fire of '21. After their father's death, the two had speculated heavily in parakeet futures, and when their assets got burned, they took out bankruptcy. This didn't set well with local creditors, who had to settle for pennies on the dollar. After the bankruptcy proceedings, these original H&R Blocks became known around town as "Hob and Rob". "Blockhead" was another unkind epithet they were forced to suffer.

Great backstory to this, Rich. So much to learn at every turn of the page ! Thanks for adding.

The photo below touches on several points brought in this thread previously. In the late 90's,
when Kalamity was still a young man, he saw a future need for disposal of toxic waste AND a public
desire for what would later become known as "fastfood". He devised a method of grinding up old
socks, carrion, asbestos, whatever needed getting rid of, adding "just the right seasoning", and
selling it at full retail to an unsuspecting public for consumption. KD devised the production, his
partner dreamed up the sales and marketing and sold the stuff "under the golden arches". Here
we see what was locally known as "the Fishstick Mill", on the river just above Rocky Reach.

A smashing success from day one, the mill can today ingest 400 mobile homes a day, turning out
542,000 "all beef patties" and six tons of "nuggets" per shift. The mill is so efficient, even the belching
smoke is captured to make eye shadow and other types of women's beauty products. Out of sight to
the left is the lab where they now do animal testing. Few protest, as brainwash marketing has most
people thinking they are loving it. Those that do are sprayed down with napalm and added to the
mixers

Seeing the dormitory at right reminds me that Artie Kronkhold lived on the second floor there. Artie would play "A Bird in a Gilded Cage" on his kazoo late at night. He didn't work at the mill per-say but did chores at the corner drug store. One day a carrion shard burst from the ground and nearly took off an ear. He reported it to the foreman but they denied responsibility.
His Aunt Clara mended shirts for Samuel Clements when she lived in Hannibal. Artie may have been the inspiration for Elderberry Finn as he could walk barefoot on the Mississippi. It was apparently because he couldn't swim.
Artie still wrote to Aunt Clara but had the wrong address. She always waited patiently to hear from him.
Downstream from the Fishstick Mill there were the remains of an old Packard. If anyone is interested get ahold of Mr. Gower.

As the Fishstick Mill above Rocky Reach continues in production to this very day, misconceptions about its founding linger.
The true story, so far as Kalamity Dick was concerned, is that indeed, KD foresaw the need to dispose of wastes that were a health hazard, toxic, or otherwise dangerous, without polluting streams or the environment. He devised a way to pelletize old socks, carrion and other such items, producing an inert briquette which burned hotter than the local coal, and was a boon to homesteaders in those cold Wyoming winters. Not long afterward, owing to his partnership with Cuthbert Maddox, who ran a small cow/calf operation near Medicine Bow, the two decided KD's waste operation was an ideal fit with a slaughter-house; offal and animal waste products from processing could be pelletized using Kalamity's novel process. It wasn't long before the partners left the modest, foundling concern in the hands of an unscrupulous manager/overseer named Reynaldo MacDogleash, who conceived of funneling the pelletizing part of the operation into what he at first called "fist-food". MacDogleash tested his "all-beef patties" and "nuggets" at Ernie's Saloon, and soon found his secret blend of eleven herbs and spices made the stuff so palatable to saloon patrons that they willingly paid twice to three times the market price for his cow patties over prime cuts of beef, thus avoiding entirely the vagaries of the cattle market and ensuring a steady, high profitability !

Both Kalamity and Cuthbert were entirely unaware of MacDogleash's subversive experiments. During one of Kalamity Dick's longer excursions, MacDogleash sent him a telegram offering to buy out the whole concern for an unheard of attractively high price. As MacDogleash had been purposely phasing out the legitimate slaughter-house trade, falsely blaming lack of demand, Cuthbert was agreeable to the buy-out as he was disgusted with diminishing returns for his part in the enterprise. Fewer and fewer of his cattle were going through the Fishstick plant owing to MacDogleash's unscrupulous scheming to take control. Immediately following the sale, through relentless advertising blitzes, MacDogleash continued to make much of the fact that Kalamity Dick had established the concern. So it was that his subversion of KD's original intent was never fully apprehended by a gullible public. Neither Kalamity nor Cuthbert would ever have agreed to present waste matter as wholesome food to the public.

Interestingly, Artie Kronkhold's twin brother Archie found employment under MacDogleash, where he became foreman, trading shifts with the night foreman, Archie Larkvonnet. Industrial accidents and mortalities were rife at the Fishstick Plant in the early days, and the work force turned over rapidly. The fact that Archie Kronkhold and Archie Larkvonnet both narrowly escaped crippling or fatal injuries many times over the first three years of operation led the workers to refer to them as the "Golden Archies". As ever, scheming ways to promote his products and expand his empire, MacDogleash capitalized on the catch phrase, proclaiming his outlests as "The Home of the Golden Archies". He also conceived of promoting his "fist-food" outlets with various fictitious characters designed, presumably, to appeal to children. Among them, through the years appeared a circus ringmaster named "Stan MacPlan", a locomotive engineer named "Steam MacQueen" and a singing cowboy named "Roy MacJoy". Long after MacDogleash's passing, his successors follow that pattern by clowning around with yet another personality to front the business.

Thanks, I had not known that.
Rich

Rich, your mention of Artie's twin, Archie, reminds me of when the boys liked to fool teachers, neighbors and relatives with their resemblance of each other. It became so frequent that sometimes they themselves could not remember which was which. One day Archie asked Artie which one he was. He said he said "Artie" but realized later that he was wrong. The best way to tell was to ask Aunt Clara as she was Artie's Aunt, not Archie's.
I would like to hear more about the small cows that Cuthbert raised. I fear he was not feeding them enough or planting them too deep.
Always at your service.
Rich

What you say is correct, Rich. Archie and Artie were the original "twin brothers of different mothers". Aunt Clara was Artie's mother's sister, so she definitely could tell. Her ability to tell was her downfall at the Friday evening poker games in Ernie's Saloon, though. Artie and Archie confused themselves as to who was whom enough times that finally they decided it didn't matter any more.

Cuthbert's small cows were Belted Galloway. He chose them for several reasons. First off, they weren't quite big enough or mean enough to kill him outright, as the Texas Longhorns he was used to handling were, and being a Scottish breed, they were extremely thrifty. They did well on the sparse range around Medicine Bow. And, their looks appealed mightily to Cuthbert. He often said they looked simply delicious. This was a bit odd, because this was a few years before the Oreo cookie was introduced in 1912 as the "Chocolate Sandwich Cookie". Coincidence ? Or just another example of how Cuthbert and Kalamity Dick seemed to have so many prescient moments 'way ahead of their time ?

One or the other is on the left. Bye for now. It's almost happy hour.
Rish

Right, that's Archie, Artie is the one who's left on the right. Here's a picture of Mordred, Cuthbert's favorite steer. He always steered to the right and was the first one out of the gate when the herd moved to summer range. Several Porterhouse steaks were broiled in his honor in the fall of 1907.

That looks suspiciously like Cuthbert's OTHER favorite steer, named "Squad Car".
Squad Car patrolled the entire neighborhood.