OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

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Herb Iffrig
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Jul 02, 2019 9:56 pm

Why a duck? Why that...why a duck? Why a no chicken? Hammer: Well, I don't know why a no chicken; I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken and you'll find out why a duck.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:28 pm

These are exactly the questions Kalamity Dick would ponder in the laboratory. Duck, chicken, parakeet, it's all the same when you boil it down to basic science. Here he pauses to think about color coordinated spiltcher rods on the quadrkorn button. Several plinks past the hadronator a funny sound was heard. Never was the time more critical. The people of the Chugwater Basin were running out of patients but after the Regatta things got back to normal.
KDatLab.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:52 pm

Rich, your photo captures a shortlived, but amusing time for KD when his head
fell out of alignment with his shoulders. He noticed it one morning while trimming
nose hairs at the mirror and mused about it for a week before deciding to turn
new neck bushings from vanadium vapor cured strintium. He told friends and media
that having loose neck bushings was kind of fun, as his head free-swung like a speed
wrench. But work drove Kalamity to replace the worn bushings with a neck insertion
device he invented for the project, so he could get back on track with his tinkering
and experimentation.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by wayne sheldon » Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:20 am

Duck, chicken, parakeet, it's all the same when you boil it down, you get soup.

Maybe the soup is what caused the neck bushings to rust and fail?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Jul 03, 2019 9:39 am

And nothing finer than boiled down chicken soup. Getting the centipoise to the right point and carbonating it was how KD perfected the running of his gyroscopic Ford differential. Under the right conditions and at 38 1/3 mph he could turn off the motor and coast up to 9 miles. When he tried to sell the local Ford Dealer on it the comment was "We are already selling the cars faster than we can get them in". Back to the Flungustifer he went and probably time better spent.
Thanks for the comments.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by 46woodduck » Wed Jul 03, 2019 10:34 am

Considering that you get down from a duck is it possible that if you boil down a duck you will get a soggy pillow?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 03, 2019 10:54 am

This is just indirect testimony, but my Grandmother often used the phrase
"madder than a boiled owl".

If this is any indication of the times, apparently when birds and fowl are boiled, one
thing you get is an angry bird or fowl.

KD knew this, and did not let it slip his mind when working in the lab or on complex
theory development.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Jul 03, 2019 11:05 am

That's certainly a possibility Thomas. I believe my soggy pillow is from drooling while dreaming of Mercers and possibly other delights.
Mercerrrr.jpg
Burger, owls get a bit madder but none of them like it much.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Jul 03, 2019 8:14 pm

That looks like the very rare Long Range giant chickens. Easy to tell long range from free range. Look for the shoes.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Jul 03, 2019 8:18 pm

Well no happy sally involved but note to self- make sure your on the right page before posting🤪


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 03, 2019 9:56 pm

Actually, Dallas, ... your comment is entirely relevant, as the chicken shoe industry was a
local mainstay in Saddlestring, after saddles with strings fell out of fashion and that business
dried up. Period photos show women pushing wheelbarrows of unwanted saddle strings to
market, hoping to trade them for a loaf of bread or single chicken shoe. Those were rough
times.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Jul 03, 2019 10:10 pm

Richard said" The people of the Chugwater Basin were running out of patients but after the Regatta things got back to normal. "
I found reference to that :
regatta front.jpg
regatta rear.JPG
This being card being from 1910, would that have been the same Regatta you were speaking of?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Jul 03, 2019 10:55 pm

Yes, that is most certainly the lake. The vanadium mist and mushroom fog in the air is the clincher. It shows an apparent sail on boats at the time also. I forgot there were that many that year.
Also the lake is nearly full of water. Always a good sign.
The Smiths are home for the weekend so don't bring snuff.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jul 04, 2019 1:51 am

Cyrus Wumpstadtler ran the only goat powered taxi in the Chugwater, serving the entire
basin from Saddlestring to Silver Plume. Fare was a penny-a-mile.

KDgoat.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jul 05, 2019 9:23 am

Wumpstadtler had cornered the taxi consortium. Had it not been for the goat stopping suddenly and Cyrus vautling forward into the steering shaft all too often it would have been utopia.
How many of us find the perfect walk of life and total bliss at the same time?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Jul 05, 2019 10:28 am

Heinrich buzzed the hotel lobby late last night, saying he's been trying to link a story
in the World Eye, a newspaper printed by the Mexican Brotherhood of Labor in the early
20th century, to its source in Chugwater. But the story, written by Pistachio Alvarez,
states that "brother" Cyrus Wumpstadtler overcame the stopping goat problem by placing
the goat in fashionable stilletto heels, as seen in this photo. The goat, so enamored by
the sense of grandeur and circumstance, paraded about as if on a fashion runway and the
sudden stoppage issue was no more.

Anyone able to link Wumpstadtler to Alvarez, or the Mexican Brotherhood of Labor, or
even the labor movement in general, is asked to forward that information to Heinrich at
the Institute for archiving.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jul 05, 2019 11:59 am

The stilletto heels did cure the initial problem but the goat took on a decidedly outrageous change in personality. Other fellow Bovidaes and Caprinaes came from miles around to pursue amiability interests. This sidetracked several customers from their destinations. Disturbing but the extra milage did create more profit for our chauffeur
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Fri Jul 05, 2019 1:16 pm

It is my understanding that she is looking for her goat that Cyrus borrowed and never returned. I think she is about to strike a blow for justice
eyJpdSI6IjdkNWMwNDM0NDQxNjliZGIyZjM4NGRmNmYwNjBhNGFlYjJiOTA5OGJkNjU5ZWIwZjhlMmZmMWRmN2M5NDVhYzYiLCJ3IjoxNTAsImgiOjg3LCJkIjoyLjAsImNzIjowLCJmIjowfQ (2).jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Fri Jul 05, 2019 4:24 pm

As so often is the case on this fascinating thread, the information piles up so quickly and abundantly it becomes hard to follow through with important details. Going back to the previous page, in reference to all the fowl language, it becomes quite apparant why the expression "Duck soup" became synonymous with anything truly simple and easy, 'Nuff said.

After consuming a six-pack of Red Bull, Heinrich buzzed back to relay the following information : Besides confirming the wisdom of duck soup, 'Nuff, whose full name was Shoren Nuff (who made a fortune selling "Shoren Nuff Snuff") provides the link between Cyrus Wampstadtler and Pistachio Alvarez. 'Nuff was the primary stock-holder and CEO of the Tri-Burg Bank & Trust through most of its existence, until its collapse due to insolvency in 1934. 'Nuff not only provided financing for Wampstadtler's Taxi Consortium, but also sold a herd of goats to Cyrus at below market price, to be used for the motive power. Their dream was to operate a fleet of "Go-taxis" running between Silver Plume, Chugwater, Saddlestring and Medicine Bow.

'Nuff also loaned start-up capital to Pistachio Alvarez to begin publishing what was initially titled "El Obrero", the newspaper which was the organ of "La Fraternidad de Obreros Mexicanos". As Alvarez and two brothers name of Sandoval (horse thieves from Boquilla) were the only Mexicans in the tri-burg area in 1903, the publication as well as the labor organization were required to become quickly anglicized to remain viable. Printed in English, the newspaper, now titled "Labor" rapidly gained a majority following among midwives.

Back to Wampstadtler's Taxi service, the enterprise soon failed owing to financial pressures. Clients found riding the uncomfortable incline of the vehicle's goat cage exceedingly tiresome, and those hardy enough to survive a trip from Chugwater to Sadlestring were loath to pay $25.90 for a tortuous ten-day trip without amenities. Worse, Wampstadtler could not afford to run the route for that amount, as it requred no less than fifteen relay-changes to supply fresh goats for the route.

Note to Perry: Heinrich claims no connection to any hammer-weilding fat ladies could be established, but he did say if she should happen to sing, it could all be over.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jul 05, 2019 6:26 pm

Fascinating stuff. This was found in a corner of the Museum just last Friday. Given the thousands sold I suppose it hasn't much value. But timely to this dissertation.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Fri Jul 05, 2019 8:46 pm

I was doing some research on the development of insect window screening and who should appear but our good old inventor Kalamity Dick. The article states that he was instrumental in introducing the first window screens in the homes of America. His first attempt was not very successful.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jul 06, 2019 1:36 am

This is actually a recent photo of Grunda Fulpants' great grand daughter, Grunda Wunda.

facefoop.jpg
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It is suspected that Grunda Wunda's father was actually one of the traveling East
German Women's Weightlifting Team, on tour through Chugwater on the 50th anniversary
of the Nutmeg Incident. Grunda Wunda is an outspoken spokesman in the fupa movement,
advocating public awareness of "foopsters" in the workplace. She wears both the tradional
lower "action foop" and the neck brace-looking "face foop". She was voted Queen of the
Foops in 2015 and is Past President of the Foop Society for several non-consecutive years
as Society by-laws prohibit it.

Grunda Wunda holds several Olympic medals in the hammer throw, including world records.
Her best with the 12lb sledge, 571.12 feet !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jul 07, 2019 6:22 pm

Heinrich sent a message over, asking where all the other researchers are. He
said it seems awful quiet around here, speculating everyone took their jalopies
to the lake.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Jul 07, 2019 6:37 pm

Well I'm not here either. Often I can't seem to find myself when I least need to.
will work on it.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Sun Jul 07, 2019 8:00 pm

I'm not here either. Sebastian came by and picked me up in his sport-about. We headed down-river to meet Ludwig at McTucker's Fall. Ludwig appears to have gill-netted the sturgeon that was swimming in our front yard during the flood of '97. Most of the tag in its adipose fin is quite corroded, but three numbers match. When we drove up, he seemed to recognize me. (Ludwig - not the sturgeon) We are religious about catch and release in these parts. Good thing it's Sunday ! Hi ho !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jul 07, 2019 8:28 pm

When asked about Catch and Release, Grunda Wunda said the sledgehammer usually
rules out much point in performing the "release" end of the program.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sun Jul 07, 2019 10:40 pm

Not being a Stergeon expert I looked up Catch and Release. I don't recognize these guys but they are sipping Happy Sally. Anyone know more?
Catch.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sun Jul 07, 2019 11:46 pm

The adult aged male on left represents the current standard for parenting boys to
never grow up, never get a job, and live in Mommy's basement until she dies. I have
no idea how that relates to sturgeon. Perhaps the term "catch and release" is a one of
annoyed humor, where same-age women think they met/are dating a man, only to
discover the deeply onset case of arrested development, and pull back before he ruins
their life too (?).
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jul 08, 2019 10:08 am

That reminds me of little Stevie Holleranger who tormented poor Nimrod through their grammar school days. He would steal Nimrod's marbles, and then tease him by saying Nimrod had "lost his marbles". He lived with his mother 42 years and became famous for catching and mistreating Sergeon before releasing them. He often teased them with rattlesnakes. The fish could care less about the marbles.
litlStevie.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jul 08, 2019 11:16 am

Ah, yes .... Stevie Holleranger. Heinrich keeps the newspaper clipping story pinned to
the wall by the payphone in the hall, of his siblings killing him and feeding the chopped
up remains to the hogs, after he refused to leave the basement after his mother passed
away. He claimed squatter's rights, but the rest of the kids already had the place sold to
the Fernwoods, who had their wagons loaded and were heading up from Fickleton.

As we can see by the photo on right, Stevie still looked like he was 8 years old at the
age of 40.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Jul 08, 2019 2:11 pm

The photo on the left is of particular interest, as it was unusual to see candid photographs in that era. This one was doubtless taken the day Stevie decided to tie a string of fire-crackers to the family cat's tail. Mrs. Holleranger rescued the cat (held on her left arm) and she has Stevie firmly by the hand. Next stop was to see Dad, waiting in the woodshed with his razor strop (not shown).

As for the later years, the Fernwoods stayed in the Holleranger place less than six months. They complained that ghostly sounds coming from the pig-sty were unnerving, so they left in a hurry. I'm not superstitious, but a quick look through the Institute's cross-reference system brought up no less than four references linking pigs and spiritualism plus a clipping from the Saddlestring Gazette about one Chadworth Bostangle who regularly held seances in the tri-burg area. His communications with those who have "passed over" depended upon performances by the Duroc gilt he claimed was a psychic medium. The article noted local interest in the seances was waning, as fewer people were willing to hold a hog's trotter in a darkened room. I guess you never can know for sure, can you ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jul 08, 2019 5:06 pm

We ran a search though the Van Bockel scanner for seances/tri-burg area and Stevie H. Ne'er-do-well. Two came up. The first has a fellow that even looks a little like KD but most likely he would not be involved. The second states "In his other office". I'm not sure what that means but "scene of the crime" popped up and hour later.
Just reporting on the recent activity.
No need to stop the scheduled events.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Mon Jul 08, 2019 10:14 pm

Speaking of offices, did you know that KD invented the cubicle?
outhouse.JPG
In this photo we see the early version of the Dead Poets Society.
Oh the genius of it all. One could vent about the other poets work and not even open his mouth!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Jul 09, 2019 2:51 am

Fecklersburg City Hall, ca. 1921 !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Jul 09, 2019 8:31 am

This was the County Seat.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jul 09, 2019 1:52 pm

How nice ! I, too, have been privy to "outdoor convenience" on many occasions in my youth. The memory is indelible.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:58 pm

We all need our time to ponder the possibilities.
Here is an image of Kd pondering a clevis from another of his projects. Chester Larkvonnet took this just before the casmont episode. Happily applying his talents.
Rich
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:37 pm

I'm perennially amazed at how posts to this exciting topic always seem to be closely inter-related, in constant mesh, like the gears of a fine-tuned planetary transmission ! Going back five posts to the uncertainty whether that actually is Kalamity Dick in the seance photograph, when Sebastian asked, "What, exactly, was the 'Casmont Episode' ? " Bartholomew found this clipping from the Medicine Bow Informer that just cleared everything up:

Lately, patrons of Ernie's Saloon have been concerned about the long absence of Richard "Kalamity Dick" Klamitbofer and his oft-time partner Cuthbert "Mad Dog" Maddox from the regular intellectual discussions that take place in Ernie's establishment. As it has been over six months (some say ten) since the pair were seen motoring off in the direction of the Big Horn Range, and some rumors have filtered in from Chugwater that the two adventurers met their mortal fate high in those remote crags, spiritualst enthusiasts, Leyat and Mathilde Casmont essayed to hold a seance in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Chester Larkvonnet of this city, in an attempt to contact the spirits of the missing men. The Casmonts claimed an unparalleled success in spiritualist practice when Kalamity Dick himself attended the seance. Mathilde Casmont, the gifted medium conducting the proceedings was grateful to report that her contact with Kalamity Dick was one-hundred percent successful. Klamitboffer told the press that the report of his death was highly exaggerated. No attempt was made to contact the spirit of Cuthbert Maddox, however, as Dick explained that he left Cuthbert at his ranch up Chugwater Creek with a full "fifth" of Happy Sally, and he was alive and in good spirits. Apparently Maddox was disinclined to share his personal brand of "spiritualim".
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 10, 2019 2:54 am

Then, as today, Chugwater (and the entire Chugwater basin) remain a small and
tight knit community. Self-promoting trollops that they are, Las Vegas stole the phrase,
but the original was, and always will be:

"What happens in the Tri-Burg area, STAYS in the Tri-Burg area ! "
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Jul 10, 2019 12:16 pm

What did happen in the Tri-Burg area?
I thin Heinrich's reaction says it all!
eyes.jpg
Was he always this intense?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:48 pm

I don't think there is a person reading this that does not wake up EVERY MORNING,
wondering, what DID happen in the Tri-Burg area !

It is simply shocking.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Wed Jul 10, 2019 6:00 pm

Its a well known fact if you eat too many mushrooms thats the look that comes over you if you are not close to the outhouse!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:30 pm

The emergent outhouse run look could very well be an explanation. There is a
front page photo of Emil Finklebeiner during his run for Mayor, with that look on
his face. The accompanying story said It did not take long to figure out he had
pulled up his trousers after an outhouse respite, only to discover he'd picked up
a hornet or three in his skivvies while they were down around his ankles. The
angry insects waited to let him know of their presence until he'd gotten up to
the podium and was addressing the assembled crowd.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:36 pm

Finklebeiner's run for mayor was as spirited as the first and only speech he delivered with the hornets in his pants. The crowd was amazed.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by perry kete » Wed Jul 10, 2019 10:41 pm

Timing is everything when you mention outhouses in more ways then one, but the timing I'm talking about is the fact you fellow mentioned outhouses just as I finished reading a book about them.
The book "A Dash To The Outhouse" Written by: Willie Makeit and Illustrated by: Bettie Wont.
The book was kinda crappy.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:34 am

Have you read the sequel, Outhouse Basement Dweller, by Seymour Butts ?

Both Willie and Seymour were on the 1934 squamish team that took State.
Willie and Betty raised cats on their Upper Terrace farm. This is back when
you could still herd cats. Their friend Seymour liked to play the lute and eat
only the heads off chocolate bunnies.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by wayne sheldon » Thu Jul 11, 2019 4:39 am

Don't forget that golden classic novel "Yellow River" by their neighbor down the hill, name of U P Freely.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Jul 11, 2019 7:59 am

During the 35th Regatta all the toilets in Chugwater were stolen. The authorities suspected the Spaydaford Gang but had nothing to go on.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Jul 11, 2019 8:26 am

Ba da dump.

I remember my Dad telling those jokes.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jul 11, 2019 11:12 am

Ah, yes ...... "Dad jokes". The Joke Mine, up on Spuzzum Gulch, was first located
when notorious gunslingler Irving Goldstein found bad puns amongst the boulders in
Spuzzum Creek while hiding out from the law. The first adit was sunk a mile above
the Alphabet Mine to tap a large vein of low grade jokes in 1888 by a New York group
that Goldstein sold rights to. The mine was a steady producer through the 1950's,
with dad's everywhere using their product.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:16 pm

When I was a youngin I remember getting Dad's Root beer in gallon glass jugs. I wondered if that was really my Dad's root beer. I wished it was . I liked it. Now I remember his jokes and am happy to have them.
Maybe it was good with some Happy Sally! Has anyone tried it??

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Jul 11, 2019 4:02 pm

Stepping back a bit (and be careful) Sebastian's new assistant took a closer look at a previous photo. Possibly the Fecklersburg City Council in session?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Dallas Landers » Thu Jul 11, 2019 6:27 pm

Mail order shopping booth I suspect!


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jul 11, 2019 8:51 pm

Funny that the Fecklersburg City Hall photo would circle back around ....
as Heinrich pointed out on his last visit that a near identical building was
operated by Robert, William, and Schlomo Stench as the original Stench Bros.
Perfumery, .... an unrelated spinoff enterprise of the Dad Joke Mine, where
the three brothers worked. Between bad camp food, poor hygiene, Happy
Sally, and bad hooch, the crew working the Dad Joke Mine created an array
of moving scents, said to move many to tears with only a whiff.

The brothers thought they were on to something, capturing and bottling these
all-natural aromas, but misjudged their appeal to a general public. Backed by
their combined salaries, the venture lasted many years at a loss, and is carried
on even today by hobbyists and prankster-minded roomates.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Jul 13, 2019 9:54 am

Sebastian ran through the Larvonet files and found this. would it be the perfume works or part of the joke mine?
StenchBros.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jul 13, 2019 12:41 pm

Hmmm .... it appears some photo trickery has been performed here, as both the
Dad Joke Mine and the Stench Bros. operation were a solid mile further up Spuzzum
Gulch from the Alphabet mine, which itself was far up Spuzzum Gulch from the flat
ground of Feddow Meadow, which is where this photo seems to show the building.
Was it moved later on ? The Chugwater & Northern tracks ran nearby in the meadow,
with a switching facility at the base of Spuzzum Gulch to handle all the rail traffic
from the two mines.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Jul 13, 2019 1:39 pm

I can't be sure but I'll grill Sebastian. Sometimes his imagination tints the photoz. I'm still sad that the brothers put so much time into perfume and couldn't make a scent.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jul 13, 2019 3:03 pm

Aroma ? Scent ? What's the difference ?

What matters is their hardworking American spirit to do right and do well, for the
sake of all that is good, God, AND country !

Sebastian is actually a great-grandson of Schlomo Stench, on his paternal mother's
side. He should have caught this, as the Stench family reunion is a large affair, even
today, with the big picnic and ballgame being held up in Feddow Meadow by the old
mushroom stand.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:10 am

Here's wishing a very happy St. Swithin's Day to all our forum friends. We're celebrating Kalamity Dick's birthday as well. He would be over 150 if he were alive today. The institute will be closed all day today in his honor. If you need a document urgently, please text Bartholomew and he will teleport it to you first thing tomorrow morning. Thank you.
"Get a horse !"

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jul 15, 2019 9:14 am

I too want to wish everyone a Happy and Hearty St. Swithin’s Day. St. Swithin has be as mysterious and obscure as Kalamity Dick himself. Dick and several of his friends celebrate the holiday as it coincides with their Birthdays. Ernie’s is open for 24 hours and barrels of Happy Sally are in supply for the occasion.
St. Swithin was the Bishop of Winchester (Hampshire) and now the patron saint of the magical Winchester Cathedral. Very little is known of his life. He was one of the two trusted counsellors of Egbert, King of the West Saxons (d. 839), helping him in ecclesiastical matters.
Please act responsibly and drive carefully on this joyous day.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jul 15, 2019 10:37 am

History has it that he was both studious AND a snappy dresser. Tough in the saddle,
and smooth with the ladies. A hero for all occasions.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Mon Jul 15, 2019 10:53 am

Thanks for posting that, Rich. Seems there's another metaphysical connection between St. Swithin and Kalamity Dick. Notice the rain clouds in the depiction of St. Swithin ? Local legend has it that if it rains on St. Swithin's Bridge (across the river Ichen) on his feast day, it will rain for 40 days.

When KD first partnered up with "Mad Dog" Maddox (who also was born on St. Swithin's Day) he noted Maddox was perennially dogged by a small black rain cloud that followed him everywhere. After several weeks, KD, annoyed by the excessive humidity, invented cloud seeding, but in reverse of later "rain making" processes. Using pellets composed of sponge particles infused with Happy Sally, after a few treatments, Maddox's cloud nemesis dried up for good. In later years, it was commonly accepted that Cuthbert Maddox had been the inspiration for the comic strip character "Joe Btfsplk" who appeared occasionally in Al Capp's feature "Li'l Abner. Maddox vehemently denied the connection.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:03 am

Yes, many inspire cartoons.
StSwith2.jpg
StSwith2.jpg (92.19 KiB) Viewed 2459 times
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Mon Jul 15, 2019 3:28 pm

Heinrich has an ancient document that he suspects is fake, but he likes to keep it
around for amusement sake. If one accepts it's questionable provenance as genuine,
it purports St. Swithen to have actually been migrant door-to-door shoe salesman
and convicted con man Leonard Blutkarsky from Chicago's upper south side. Their
looks were strikingly similar and no one ever saw them in the same room together
to dispell the notion.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Jul 16, 2019 8:24 am

Actually, Heinrich has a lot of ancient documents regarding apparent migrant door-to-door shoe salesman from Chicago's upper south side. It has been an obsession and constant distraction to his work of late. We have been trying to find a gentle way of discouraging him from this without success. Perhaps the Chinese handcuffs will be next.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:33 am

It appears Sebastian already has Heinrich restrained. It was easy enough to slip the Chinese cuffs on when Heinrich told him "Pull my finger !".

It seems Heinrich's unhealthy obsession stems from a clutch of forged documents he purchased from Leonard Blutkarsky. No connection to St Swithin, turns out everything was a thousand years or more "off". A case of in one era and out the other.

Dr. Spazzlemoff has just attended to Heinrich and says he should be fine when the sedative wears off, but we must keep him away from that stack of Marvel Comics he keeps in the dustbin by the refrigerator. Perhaps Bartholomew can remove them to the insinuator later today.

I hope you all enjoyed the St. Swithin's Day celebrations. I'm going back to bed.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:35 am

He had this problem about 5 years ago when his glands swelled up. The docs had him
rub feduciary cream on them and after a month or so, it went away. He said it felt like
licking paint.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Tue Jul 16, 2019 11:09 am

Marlin Perkins, Bob Keeshan and Russell Hiatt were among those in the ancient documents regarding door-to-door shoe salesman. All were eventually absolved of any wrong doing. Never the less it was disruptive and unnecessary.
We had to wait two hours to get our lunch at the Terminal Cafe yesterday. Saint Swithin's Day revelers had packed the place with their holiday sashes and babushkas. The rowdy ones were sent out to wait in the rain.
Heinrich has promised to to better. His other skills are dearly appreciated by this consortium.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:26 pm

Now that Heinrich's nervous state has somewhat calmed, he admitted the discrepancies caused by forged documents always drive him to distraction. It's difficult to reconcile the false information, and even harder to distinguish what is indeed authentic. The stresses take their toll on Heinrich's meticulous mind for facts. Take for example the confustion caused by one Marvin Perkins and a short-lived TV program he hosted in the early 1960s featuring funny cat videos. He called his show "Mild Kingdom". One may also consider whether Bob Keeshan was committing malfeasance over a 30 year span; he was neither a captain, nor a kangaroo. At least Russell Hiatt was indeed a barber, whether or not he ever actually did cut Andy Griffeth's hair.

Further complicating things, one of the strongest reasons Kalamity Dick gave up on filing patents for his marvelous inventions owed to the fact that early in his career, he had retained the firm of Perkins, Keeshan & Hiatt, patent attorneys,to see to his interests. (There is no connection to the above-mentioned gentlemen so far as we know). The firm went into receivership when the principals were all killed in the infamous Mildred Balloon Debacle of 1906. A rival law firm, Dewey, Cheatham & Howe was appointed by the courts to take up the patent applications which Perkins, Keeshan & Hiatt had left pending. However, Dewey was of dubious character, and claimed KD's file had been lost in the turnover of materials from P,K &H. Not long afterward, several patents for items identical to KD's inventions were granted to various unsavory individuals. The chicanery left KD totally disillusioned with the patent process, and so he continued his illustrious career while avoiding the complication of filing patent claims.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 17, 2019 5:50 pm

Speaking up on Heinrich's behalf, he is not going to be happy with anyone using
terms like "nervous" or referring to his "state", as his time in the State Nervous
Hospital was not only involuntary, but was later proven in court to be falsely based
and he was absolved of all liabilities. Further, it was proven, the glandular swelling
was the root cause, and this itself was proven to be the result of geo-thermic waves,
set off by the improper installation of hypoid bearings in the Institute's kaphistulator
.... the one in the basement. Of the entire research team at the Institute, I have
found none to be more on point for investigative thinking, fact finding, and case-
building than Heinrich. Not to mention his leadership skills, both in the archives and
on the drill field. I think we need to know the facts and not be swept along by the
media spin on his involutary commitment. We need to respect the man and hold the
pundits to the scorn they deserve. ..... 'nuff said !
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Wed Jul 17, 2019 9:54 pm

I was wondering about this photo. It was found stuck in an old agricultural magazine in the attic at Ernie's bar.
Could Heinrich be in this photo, or is it too early for him to be present?
Can any one tell?
drill field.JPG


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 17, 2019 11:04 pm

Heinrich is the one directing drill, 3rd left of the guy with the hat.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Fri Jul 19, 2019 5:44 pm

The rather large man just to the right of the gallows was married to Ludwig's grandmother for nearly 8 years. His suit was woven by nearsighted Dutch sailors from Antwerp Indigo during the canary shortage. Notice the wide lapels and knerfed sleeves. Another remarkable point of interest in this photo is the oval steeple.
How on earth did they get that picture?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Fri Jul 19, 2019 8:19 pm

While rarely done today, back when men were more commonly expert with rope, photos
like that were much easier to get.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Jul 20, 2019 8:10 am

I think I get it now. The canary shortage wasn't completely about the actual birds, although they were shown in the discussion to be of limited supply at one time. New evidence has come to light to give an alternate explanation.
rocky mountain canary.JPG
canary.JPG
Did this have anything to do with KD's wandering days in the desert?

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Jul 20, 2019 8:41 am

I'll bet Cuthbert, Mad Dog, Maddox used those beautiful thoroughbreds in some of his endeavors. He purchased or stole several back in the day.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Sat Jul 20, 2019 12:37 pm

Let's not overlook the pride and emphasis that the entire community took in bringing
first rate dental health to their "canaries". Heinrich has an entire album of photos of the
canary dental competition at the Calhoun County Fair & Exposition that was always held
at the fairgrounds, in conjunction with the Chugwater Regatta.

There is a LOT if history surrounding this whole event, from the treaty that officially
ended the Indian Wars to Edison's light bulb to the invention of the canary-size tooth
brush and dental floss. Although Montana now holds the record for producing the most
dental floss as a state, Calhoun County has more acres under till than any other in the
nation. The wiry soil and constant breeze provide ideal growing conditions. It is Heinrich's
opinion that, were in not for the dental floss industry, the entire Chugwater area would have
never developed as it did, citing that even the Institute was built from the revenues of
what floss brought to Chugwater. It was none other than Zebulon Floss who built the Institute
as a pillar of higher learning that we all still benefit from today. People often forget that
today.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Jul 20, 2019 1:05 pm

Yes Burger we should be grateful to our predecessors.

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Jul 20, 2019 5:18 pm

This is from Heinrich.
InChair.jpg
One of Cuthbert's finest shows what regular flossing can do. It's thought this was at the 16th competition around bunion week.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Sat Jul 20, 2019 7:45 pm

drill field.JPG
Herb Iffrig wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 9:54 pm
I was wondering about this photo. It was found stuck in an old agricultural magazine in the attic at Ernie's bar.
Could Heinrich be in this photo, or is it too early for him to be present?
Can any one tell?drill field.JPG

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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Sat Jul 20, 2019 8:05 pm

Interesting you should mention that. It was before Heinrich's time but clearly the Larkvonnet twins are the ones with rifles. Here is a shot of them marching and Cuthbert delivering walnuts to the camp. Again we that oval steeple.
Thanks for posting this. Many of us have forgotten.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:44 am

The U.S.Army must have had more recruits at Camp Mac Arthur than they could use, having them fire their rifles at each other :shock:
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Jul 23, 2019 10:40 am

This is where knowing your history pays off Leo ....

Although there is no known connection to Kalamity Dick for this practice, the U.S. armed
forced combined basic training rifle drill with chow hall from 1888 to 1941, the nutrient-
enriched food "capsules" packed into a soft-cased/low velocity "bullet". These were then
shot at each others' mouths. Military strategists found that poor shooting meant going hungry,
and thusly recruits were highly motivated to hone their skills. The practice would still be in
use today, if not for the Nutmeg Incident. The far-reaching effects caused even grown men
to swoon.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:42 am

Thank goodness someone posted on this thread! I thought I was going to have to make something up.
The truth is out there.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:21 pm

It's well worth pondering the patriotic fervor that gripped the nation upon entering World War I. The residents of the tri-burg area were certainly no exception. The Ladies' Aid Societies of all three "burgs" in the Chugwater drainage cooperated in collecting many bushels of walnuts to send to Camp MacArthur. Cuthbert "Mad Dog" Maddox volunteered to drive his wagon and double team of mules from Chugwater to Waco, Texas to deliver the nutty contribution, a distance of nearly one thousand miles. Many locals thought he was "nuts" to attempt it, but Cuthbert always had a strong sense of duty. A record of his out-bound journey and return would doubtless recount an adventure well worth the read !

Walnuts were in short supply in those early days of mobilization, and practically a strategic commodity, as "nutter butter" was the primary component of edible bullets so necessary for training legions of raw recruits. Unfortunately, the load of walnuts Cuthbert delivered contained a single whole nutmeg, inadvertently dropped into the load by one Hattie Griswold, of Saddle String, Wy. (she was very near-sighted) Like Mrs. O'Leary's cow, Hattie has become legendary, bearing historical onus as the cause of the infamous "Nutmeg Incident" thus bringing to an end the use of edible bullets by the U.S. military.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:42 pm

Speaking strictly for Rich, I think I can say that mobilization of one's nuts is no
small matter. This is especially the case when the nuts are exceptionally large
and cumbersome. It was in this endeavor that nutter butter was first developed.
Make of that what you will.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:57 am

Speaking of Nuts, we see one of the warriors balancing on a clothesline showing his agility after consuming a full pound of the Juglans fruits. Camp MacArthur was a geographical center for bizarre activity during that decade. You may recall several classic poems by Remus Reimer regarding the odd antics.
MacArt2.jpg
When did I do that?


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Jul 24, 2019 9:25 am

Right you are Rich, and it's good to be reminded of Remus Reimer and his stellar poetry. The mention got Bartholomew very enthusiastic about reviewing the Reimer file. This gem was the second page he found this morning:

"An agile young soldier from Boston,
Didn't realize what training might cost him,
He jumped up on the line,
Thought 'I'm doing fine !',
But his nut-sack got caught,
And he lost 'em"
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:02 am

A veteran of the Boer Wars, Reimer had this one reminiscent of that time:

Tim and I, a-hunting went
Upon the plains of Timkutu
And there, three maidens we did meet
I Bukwun, and
Tim Buk Too

I always felt the poet was subtly hinting at underlying meanings. Institute Professor
of Poetry Schittefromme Scheinola, in a critique of Reimer's pre-war works, wrote:

"His construction is as much, or more about word play and suggestion than rhyme"

.... citing this example that harkened back to Reimer's time working as a choker setter
in the logging camps beyond Silver Plume and his compulsive drive for keeping his tools
clean:

I was standing at the garden gate
Gave her four bits to see her snatch
Her snatch it was so dirty and black
That I made her give me two bits back

This one, of course, won the 1904 Funkbunckler Award and the Chugwater Poetry
Association's top honor that same year at the Chugwater Regatta and Canary Dental
Competition. Remus gave a demonstration on the cleaning and storage of various
chokers, snatches, and block-and-tackle, to have them ready for next use, and to
inhibit moth damage. The Tri-Burg Teacher's Union gave Reimer their TTU Gold Pointer
for bringing such a useful message to children and adults, alike.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by tmodeldriver » Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:09 pm

I love limericks. I don't know too many clean ones but the following two stanza is a good one. I know it's not really related to this saga of misinformation but here goes. When you read the first line don't start thinking of the country version.

There was a man from Nantucket
who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan
ran away with a man.
As for the bucket, Nantucket.

He followed 'em down to Pawtucket,
Nan, the man and the bucket.
He said to the man,
"You are welcome to Nan".
As for the bucket, Pawtucket.

No thanks necessary, I do this all the time. :lol:


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Wed Jul 24, 2019 10:25 pm

Thanks for that insight, Burger. Prof. Scheinola doesn't have much to do at the institute, it seems Kalamity Dick's infrequent attempts at poetry were limited to blank verse, usually written in disappearing ink.

Bob, the clean limerick was much appreciated. Frankly, I don't know any that aren't downright filthy. :shock:
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:27 pm

Rich, I am surprised at your comment, as the Professor is quite busy at the archives
of both the Alphabet Mine and the Institute. Are you sure you know Schittefromme
Scheinola ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by tmodeldriver » Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:34 am

Well, Rich, here's one that straddles the fence. Not quite clean and not quite filthy.

As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and even those who're well hung. :roll:


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Burger in Spokane » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:03 am

Speaking of, .... when was the last time the gallows were used in Saddle String ?
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Thu Jul 25, 2019 8:30 am

As far as I can recall the last time that the gallows were use was when there was a shortage of Happy Sally due to a drought. Two itinerant brothers brought in a wagon load of wine from California. These two guys were Ernest and Julio Gallow, but there was a problem with the wine being too fresh. Later they were heard to say "I will sell no wine before it's time." I really doubt that it mattered back then.


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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Bingham » Thu Jul 25, 2019 8:48 am

Thanks for that fine example Bob. Truly, poetic verse elevates the soul.

Burger, I have to admit I'm not well acquainted with Prof. Scheinola. Obviously I have leaped to an unfair conclusion based on the fact that although my visits to the Institute are infrequent, on each occasion I found the professor asleep under a heap of old newspapers on the bench in the foyer. Once, I upbraided him for his "relaxed" approach to institute research, and his rather churlish response informed me that his duties were confined to poetic research, and the paucity of such produced by KD gave him little to do. Also, Heinrich and the staff have indicated they hold some resentment for the professor's "down time" as they all work very long hours for modest wages, and the professor's stipend seems excessively generous for someone who naps through most of the work-day. Perhaps he compensates by diligence in the Alphabet Mines Archives ? I have yet to review his performance there.

As for the gallows in Saddlestring, I believe it was last used when an angry mob "strung up" a drifter name of Ferd (or maybe Fred?) Ferndip in October of 1917. Ferndip had held up an express train on the Tri-burg & Northern RR. Irate citizens presumed Ferndip had stolen the entire shipment of Happy Sally destined for tri-burg saloons. In fact, the shipment was delayed, and arrived next day on the mail train. Just a silly misunderstanding.
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Rich Eagle » Thu Jul 25, 2019 9:02 am

Waxford Larkvonnet has been leasing the gallows from time to time.
Hanging.jpg
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:08 am

Definitely dirty this one:

There was an old man from Devices,
Who had balls of different sizes.
One was so small,
it was no good at all,
but the other won several prizes !

Sorry, won't happen again
Promiss
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Kaiser » Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:10 am

Thats right, Hang em high for havin' a waterpump !
When in trouble, do not fear, blame the second engineer ! 8-)
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Re: OT - Adventures of Kalamity Dick - Fact or Fiction?

Post by Herb Iffrig » Tue Jul 30, 2019 8:11 am

In the early days of environmental experimentation:
outhouse garden.JPG
outhouse garden.JPG (44.94 KiB) Viewed 2058 times
one can see where the best place to have a garden was.
Was this at the Fecklesburg public works?

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